Stitches (2012) A Party Clown's Revenge

I like it when a movie surprises me.

Sometimes late at night, I roll through Netflix and see what's out in the ether.  Stumbling across this oddball British-Irish horror comedy about an undead clown seeking revenge on a kid after being killed at a birthday party, I really wasn't expecting much.  But strangely enough, I ended up pleasantly surprised by the gory slapstick intentional cheese-fest that was Stitches.

Director Conor McMahon seems to be following the Peter Jackson path of starting off a career by turning grant money into bloody splashes of manic-comic theater.  You see a little inspiration from Jackson's early offerings like Bad Taste and Dead Alive, where over-the-top gore leans more toward the humorous.  Stitches doesn't take itself too seriously, offering up a wild premise, stereotypical-and-we-know-it characters, and circus-themed dispatching of those characters.

So it goes like this:  Stitches (comedian Ross Noble in his film debut) is a local clown hired to perform at young Tom's birthday party.  Tom isn't such a bad kid, but his friends range from somewhat to extremely obnoxious.  They taunt Stitches who, admittedly, isn't a very good clown.  The taunting takes a tragic turn when an accident the kids cause leaves Stitches with a huge kitchen knife through his eye into his skull.  The night of Stitches' funeral, Tom stumbles across a strange ritual as clowns honor their comrade.  Years later, it's Tom's (Tommy Knight of The Sarah Jane Adventures) 17th birthday, and he has a pretty understandable fear of clowns.  He's anxious and rather wimpy but his friends want to throw him a blowout, even though he's unsure.  The party includes all his friends from the original party, as well as his longtime crush, Kate (Gemma Leigh Devereux).  Before too long, though, an unwanted party guest makes his grand return:  Stitches, resurrected by some strange magic the clown cult instilled.  Stitches arrives and takes out each of the teenage partygoers from years before in sickeningly creative and often hilarious ways.  Brain scoop, balloon pump, umbrella - so weird, yet so Peter Jackson-ish.  It's then up to Tom and Kate to figure out a way to send Stitches back to Hell - or wherever undead clowns go.

Stitches is a rousing debut for Noble, who nails it in his first film.  He's snappy and slovenly, spouting 80's-style one-liners usually associated with supernatural killers.  "He had to...head off." "Now that's...food for thought."  Stitches is a killer clown, to be sure, and we've seen many of those, good ones and not-so-good.  But obviously, this film doesn't take things too seriously and just wants to tell a funny, wildly splattered tale of redemption for one kid and the ability to make intestine balloon animals for one not-quite-dead clown.

So make sure you treat that clown at a kid's party right.  Put away those knives and don't let your kids be obnoxious.

Until next time, here's the trailer:

Kill List (2011) All Kinds Of Crazy

Say you have a job.  You're pretty good at it.  One day, however, there's an incident.  You mess up and get taken down a few pegs.  You move on.  You're not entirely happy, but you move on.  Then someone comes along and wants you to do your old job again, but won't tell you much about it.  You know the money's good but the instructions are weird.  If they ask you to sign in blood, you better start checking your house for weird symbols scratched behind mirrors because things are about to get funky.

Right there, you've got the setup for the wonderfully weird British horror offering, Kill List.

Written by Ben Wheatley and Amy Jump, and directed by Wheatley, this moody and suspenseful flick isn't your run-of-the-mill best-buds-road-trip-from-hell fare.  Yeah, there's the actual "kill list," as you'd expect when two mercenary hit men are involved.  But there's so much more.

Jay (Neil Maskell) is a retired mercenary whose last job, in Kiev, didn't go so well.  It haunts him as he tries to live a normal life with his wife, Shel (MyAnna Buring) and son, Sam (Harry Simpson).  He has his best friend and fellow mercenary, Gal (Michael Smiley a.k.a. Tyres from Spaced), over for dinner.  Gal brings his new girlfriend, the friendly and somewhat odd Fiona (Emma Fryer), along and the dinner goes from good times to big-time tension in a matter minutes before turning back to drunken friendliness.  Fiona draws a strange symbol behind a mirror in the bathroom, then goes about her business.  Jay and Shel argue...a lot.  Money's tight, and that's part of what's straining Jay and Shel's marriage.  Then Gal brings the offer of a job to Jay, and they learn they must eliminate the people named on a list.  Simple enough, right?  Not so fast.  Why is there a priest on their list?  Why isn't he scared?  Why does the pornographer say he knows Jay before they off him?  And what happens during the stakeout of the third name on the list?  The film delves into something completely unexpected, yet consistent with the signs.  The ending, which I won't spoil here, isn't anything you may have guessed.

While the ending is a true mystery, the whole film will make you think for days after it's over.  The buildup of tension is tremendous, as the viewer just doesn't really know what lies ahead on Jay and Gal's road.  It's increasingly violent, mysterious, and strange as it goes.  The acting is outstanding as Maskell, Smiley, and Buring pick up the film and run with it like a precious rugby ball.  They're tense and you can practically feel it through the screen - the list is as much a mystery to them as it is to us.  Wheatley provides taut direction and unflinching framing of this descent into something maddening.

There are definitely some real shocks in this movie.  It will mess with your mind, and you'll thank it politely.  Then you'll twist your brain around trying to figure out the symbolism of everything you just saw.

Just remember that if someone approaches you with a strange "list" of some kind, start sprinting the other way.

Even if all they want is a gallon of milk and some bread.  You never know!

Now, here's the trailer for you to enjoy...

Attack The Block (2011) Aliens Pick The Wrong Block

It always comes back to Spaced.

Longtime readers of my blog know of my love for that British television series, which starred Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Jessica Stevenson, directed by Edgar Wright, and co-produced by Nira Park.  I always seem to find a way to connect it to something...that is when I'm not watching it for the fiftieth time.

Along comes the little British sci-fi/action/horror flick Attack The Block, and sure enough, it stars Frost, is co-produced by Park, and executive produced by Wright.

Quality!

There was a lot of buzz surrounding Attack The Block, with a lot of voices proclaiming its excellence.  It kind of snuck up on me, so I was quite happy when I realized I could get a hold of it sooner than later.  The premise looked unique enough to catch my eye:  aliens invade an inner city housing project only to meet resistance from the local ruffians.  That may sum it up, but it was definitely a richer experience than just those words.

During Guy Fawkes Night, young nurse Sam is mugged on her way home by a bunch of kids, who are threatening despite their obviously young age.  They're interrupted by a meteor-like object crashing into a nearby car, where they discover a mean little creature that scratches the leader Moses before running off.  The gang finds the creature hiding in a shed and proceeds to beat it to death.  Taking it to the local weed dealer Ron (Frost), they're full of piss and vinegar when Moses gets promoted by the block's head drug dealer Hi-Hatz.  They go out in search of more aliens to beat up on, but run into bigger, meaner, and toothier versions of the one they killed.  Not only that, they get pinched by a couple policeman on a tip from Sam.  Soon, Moses and his gang and Sam are forced to team up as the creatures descend on the block, killing anyone associated with the gang.  Hi-Hatz thinks Moses betrays him, so he sets out after him, too.  The deadly serious Moses steels himself, realizing it's up to him to protect his gang, protect Sam, and defeat the aliens.  There are a few interesting twists and a satisfying ending that redefines heroism within the context of the movie.

Even with the presence of Nick Frost and a funny performance from Luke Treadaway as Brewis, a drug customer who just wants to be seen as cool, Attack The Block isn't really a comedy.  The presence of aliens speaks to a science fiction genre, and the violence and suspense are earmarks of horror.  Like I wrote before, I see it as a sci-fi/action/horror movie with a coming-of-age flavor - it's non-stop with some pretty frightening alien juggernauts that are all black fur and teeth.  Rows and rows of glow-in-the-dark teeth.  The performances are genuine, and the street slang spoken by the kids ends up not distracting the viewer, even if the person watching didn't grow up in South London, where the film takes place.  While there are a few chuckles, they're usually nervous ones as the characters are scared.  When you see these aliens in action, who wouldn't be?

Attack The Block was definitely a fun little film, great for late-night viewing.  Even though the kids are junior criminals, you're guaranteed to root for them as the film progresses.  The monsters are of a simple design, but it absolutely works, as does the reason why they're focusing on the gang.  You could do a lot worse if you need some good entertainment.

Now I'll go watch Spaced again, while you check out the trailer for Attack The Block. Enjoy, and watch the skies...

Dead Set (2008) Reality Shows Need More Zombies

I must admit:  I'm not that big of a fan of most reality shows.  They used to be interesting, like The Real World when it first started out.  Occasionally, there are still some that might catch my eye.  I'm sure through law of averages that at least a few will slip through that really aren't that bad - hell, there are a million of these shows anyway.  In the glut of these things, there are bound to be some OK to decent ones.  But for me, they're mostly not my cup of tea.  Pretty soon, the most mundane events will have drama-soaked reality shows:  "next week, on Watching Paint Dry."  And don't get me started on the "famous for being famous" shows. 

You know what these programs really need?

Zombies.

Lots and lots of zombies.

Thank you, my dear United Kingdom, for granting my wish.  In 2008, Britain's E4 channel aired a five-episode miniseries called Dead Set, and despite the glut of zombie media these days (yes, the irony of my own statements is not lost on me), it offered a hyperkinetic, no-holds-barred take on the living dead genre.  These are zombies of the "spry" variety, sporting characteristics such as colorless eyes and low, dog-like growls.  We can debate the pros and cons of fast and slow zombies all day long, but for me, it's a moot point.  The story is what I want to click, to strike chords with me.  Dead Set definitely struck a chord.

Why the reality show reference?  The whole setting for Dead Set is the Big Brother UK house (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) on a night when one of the contestants is being evicted.  There are blatant nods to the nature of modern reality shows and how rabid the fans are.  You know it's coming:  Big Brother fans in the live audience + a fast-acting zombie plague = wacky fun.

It's eviction night on Big Brother UK, and airheaded Pippa (Kathleen McDermott) is about to take the elimination walk outside with the massive cheering crowds and an interview with host Davina (Davina McCall as herself).  The show itself is in danger of being bumped for news of riots breaking out all over England, riots that include people attacking one another.  Producer Patrick (Andy Nyman), a vain, mean-spirited fellow, cares only about stirring things up in the house and resulting ratings.  Production runner Kelly (Jaime Winstone) juggles her job, her real boyfriend Riq (Riz Ahmed), and flirtations from a co-worker.  In the house itself are a wide variety of personalities:  sassy Angel (Chizzy Akudolu), ladies' man Marky (Warren Brown), sexpot Veronica (Beth Cordingly), lonely older man Joplin (Kevin Eldon), peacemaker Space (Adam Deacon), and wildly flamboyant Grayson (Raj Ghatak).

They have no clue what's about to happen when the show employees who drive Pippa's mother to the festivities come across a bloody accident scene.  When they finally arrive at the show in what I thought was a wonderfully-filmed scene, all hell breaks loose in one of the best "zombies overrunning a location" scenes I've viewed in a while.  After that initial "ka-pow!" the survivors try to assess the situation, but humans being humans, that isn't as easy or as comforting as it sounds.

Patrick and Pippa are trapped together in the green room, and that often-discussed point about bathroom privileges when stranded during a zombie apocalypse are addressed.  While Patrick is often played for dark laughs, he's truly a vile individual.  Riq and another survivor on the outside, Alex (Liz May Brice), discover that the feed of Big Brother is still being broadcast.  Riq sees Kelly and sets out on a quest to save her.  In the house, the contestants don't even know what's happened until Kelly arrives.  Angel's bitten and quarantined to the greenhouse with her best friend Grayson, a male nurse, tending to her.  Joplin has eyes for Veronica, despite being much older and nicknamed "Gollum" for his appearance.  Veronica usually sleeps with Marky, but all bets are off now.

Much like an episode of Big Brother, alliances form and trust breaks down.  All the while, outside the house and the gates, the living dead gather.  One brilliant scene catches them hurrying down a sloped street to gather at the gates, much like they did when alive.  Things really come to a head when the disagreements between Kelly and Patrick take a turn for the tragic and everything just crumbles down around everyone.  As usual, I won't spoil certain moments, including the ending, but let's just say it doesn't end well for a lot of people.  For you symbolism fans, the last shot of the entire series is of an average zombie standing in front of a store TV, staring blankly at what happens on the screen.

Dead Set was good, bleak fun.  If you're looking for laughs or an inspired ending with characters looking off hopefully into the sunset, you've come to the wrong place.  Everything and everyone is fraying at the edges, dark and desperate.  The acting is tremendous with spots of urgency and frustration and a very loose grip on reality.  For me, the two standouts were Andy Nyman as Patrick and Jaime Winstone as Kelly.  Not to diminish the others, but those two really stood out as intense characters with whom you could relate.  Yeah, Patrick was a sociopathic boor, but everything he did fit in his character.  He wanted out, and he didn't care who he had to roll over to get there.  Kelly struggled with an old boyfriend, a new crush, a jealous manager, a jerk of a boss, as well as several frustrating wannabe celebrities all swirling around in a fast-paced zombie apocalypse.  And she ended up becoming a leader on top of all that.

There were some sweet nods to past zombie classics with the phrase "They're coming to get you, Barbara" uttered at one point, and paraphrasing of the great line in Dawn of the Dead about "this place being important to them."  One character even dies much in the same way Rhodes does in Day of the Dead, yelling defiantly at the creatures eating him.  Not to mention, there were some standout scenes that really hit home:  the car full of freshly-turned zombies arriving at the house, the frantic overrunning of the studio, the horde of zombies converging on the fence, and the dark ending where you just say, "Aw, no."

Dead Set might not be easy to find in the United States.  IFC showed the episodes around Halloween, and I caught them on IFC's on-demand channel, where they were available for a very short time.  Amazon has each episode on pay-per-view here.  It's worth the close to $10 you'd have to pay for the whole series ($1.99 per episode).

In the meantime, take a look at the trailer and see if it strikes your fancy.

Shaun Of The Dead (2004) A Slice Of Fried Gold

It's about time I reviewed this.

Seriously.

Shaun of the Dead, the British romantic zombie comedy (or "rom-zom-com"), easily ranks in my top ten of not just horror movies but my top ten in comedies and my all-time top ten.  It is the measuring stick to which I hold any horror-related comedy, the gold standard for "yucks and yuks."  I have no idea why I haven't gotten around to discussing it here but now's the time, and this is the month.  More reviews like this are comings, my "Why Haven't I Reviewed This Earlier?" series, you could say.

Right.  Now, as anyone who reads my blog knows, I like films with energy.  Something that tells me some real effort, some real passion was infused into the making of the film.  Even if the film isn't all that great, I can appreciate the amount of energy it exudes.  Well, this movie has energy in bundles.  Directed by Edgar Wright (who recently brought us Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, and shares writing credits here with star Simon Pegg), the film dashes and leaps, sizzles and pops, shakes you up and buys you a pint before dancing on your table.

Shaun (Pegg) is having a rough day.  His girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield) has had enough of his lack of ambition, and breaks up with him at the urging of her two friends Diane (Lucy Davis) and David (Dylan Moran).  He is at odds with his stepfather Philip (Bill Nighy) which makes visits with his beloved mother Barbara (Penelope Wilton) quite uncomfortable.  The presence of his drug-dealing, ne'er-do-well best friend Ed (Nick Frost) angers his roommate Pete (Peter Serafinowicz).  One morning, the end of the world arrives as the recently dead begin rising and dining on the living.  Once they realize what's happened, which takes a while after being severely hung over, Shaun and Ed devise a plan to rescue Barbara and Liz, then hole up until the crisis passes at their beloved pub, The Winchester.  Things obviously don't go to plan.  Philip, already bitten, dies and revives, causing them to ditch the car and go on foot to the surrounded Winchester.  Keep an eye out for when Shaun and his group run into his old friend Yvonne (Jessica Stevenson, the co-creator of Spaced with Wright and Pegg) and her group.  Once at The Winchester, the group falls apart.  Barbara is bitten, Liz and Shaun try to work things out, and David is vocal about his doubt, mostly because he carries a torch for Liz.  However, we witness the confidence Shaun grows when placed in the role of leader.  He rises to the occasion, even when things get bad during the climax of the movie.  Still, without spoiling it for the few who haven't seen it, I will just say the movie ends on a chipper high note with a fitting end theme song.

Shaun of the Dead, to me, is - to quote Pegg's Shaun - a slice of fried gold.  Impeccably paced, with scores of references to classic zombie films peppered throughout, it never stops moving.  Musical cues, nods to zombie film actors (Shaun works for Foree Electric, named after Dawn of the Dead's Ken Foree) lines of dialogue ("We're coming to get you, Barbara!"), and the slow-walking zombies themselves are all part of the love letter to the classics of our culture, especially the films of George A. Romero.  There are so many references, so many of those nods, I can only direct you to IMDB's trivia page for the movie.  The acting is top-notch, with the obvious chemistry between Pegg and Frost as best friends in the movie, as they are in real life.  They even reprise a line from their Spaced series that sums up their relationship with the "thanks, babe" exchange.  The first in the "Cornetto Trilogy" (spot the Cornetto ice cream product), Shaun of the Dead serves as the first motion picture to build on the Spaced legacy.  They are absolutely linked which is one of the reasons I'm mentioning the sitcom so much.  That, and I just love it to bits.

Some time ago, I wrote a review of an episode of my favorite British sitcom, Spaced, during which the lead character Tim (played by Pegg) hallucinates seeing zombies thanks to staying up all night on cheap speed, eating Twiglets, and playing Resident Evil 2.  That hilarious bit during the television show gave Pegg and Wright some of the inspiration for Shaun of the Dead.  That series, and this movie, are huge breaths of fresh air - often imitated, never duplicated.  They're what's right in entertainment.

There have been some wonderful recent additions to the horror-comedy subgenre:  Zombieland and Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil come immediately to mind.  But Shaun of the Dead is my gold standard.  If you haven't seen it, please...do yourself an immense favor.  I can only gush so much about it before telling you go out in the world and give your eyes a treat.

Here, to give you a little...taste...the trailer:

28 Days Later (2003) A Little Case Of The Rage

It's become a classic of modern horror arguments:  should zombies be fast or slow?  "Fast" increases the urgency, but "slow" - the more traditional choice - allows for more character development.  Well, this argument as it pertains to Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later can be thrown out the window for one very obvious reason:  the movie isn't about zombies.

In fact, the antagonistic force of nature in 28 Days Later isn't comprised of dead-becoming-undead people at all.  They're still alive, but infected with something called The Rage.  So that argument I mentioned?  Save it for another day because while we're talking about infection horror here, the infected are still technically alive.  The danger, though, is still the same as undead movies:  the infected are going to chase you down and viciously attack you until you're a) dead or b) infected as well.  The disease takes hold quick, and makes you twitch and growl with madness, much like a person suffering the after-effects of a late-night Heineken run and too many burritos.  Not that I would know...ahem.

Despite the fast-moving nature of the infected, there are plenty of moments of character development in the film and that's the balance that helps hold this film higher.  It's a wild, kinetic ride when the action is in full swing, yet subdued and soft during scenes of real human interaction, and quietly tense during moments you know something is about to happen.

Literally 28 days after a militant animal rights group naively sets an infected chimp free, London is an abandoned urban wasteland.  Bicycle courier Jim (Cillian Murphy) awakens from a coma to an empty hospital, and a seemingly empty city.  When he's set upon by a group of infected people, he's rescued by Selena (Naomie Harris) and Mark (Noah Huntley) who fill him in on what's happened.  The infection has apparently spread like wildfire, and London - as well as most of England - has been evacuated.

The trio heads to Jim's house, where he discovers the final, peaceful fate of his parents.  While there, neighbors attack, resulting in an injury to Mark.  Without hesitation, Selena kills Mark, knowing the infection can manifest in minutes.  We never know for sure if the injury would have led to infection or not, but the scene marked the stark new reality of post-infection London. 

Selena and Jim eventually meet up with Frank (Brendan Gleeson) and Hannah (Megan Burns), a father and daughter surviving in the upper floors of an apartment building.  The four of them hit the road, as they're running low on supplies and follow the signal of soldiers broadcasting from near devastated Birmingham.  They find an abandoned outpost, and Frank is infected when a drop of Rage-filled blood gets in his eye.  He is gunned down by the arriving soldiers, who take the others to their base in an old mansion.  They meet Major West (Christopher Eccleston), who welcomes them warmly at first before revealing that he plans on keeping the human race alive by forcing the women into sex with the soldiers, making Jim expendable.   Caught trying to escape, the girls are separated from Jim, who is to be executed the next morning.

The execution doesn't go as planned.  Jim escapes and lures soldiers to the roadblock where they first met.  After taking care of those soldiers, Jim makes his way back to the mansion, sets loose an infected soldier to cause mayhem, and goes about rescuing Selena and Hannah, almost meeting the business end of Selena's machete due to the brutal way in which he kills a soldier.  On the way out, Jim is shot by West and after leaving the Major to the tender mercies of an infected soldier, the girls hurry Jim someplace where they can tend to his wounds, which may or may not be fatal, depending on which ending you prefer.  And yes, there is more than one ending, the happiest one being the default at the end of the theatrical release.

Boyle always has an eye for the stylistic, from Trainspotting to the more recent 127 Hours.  In his films, he manages to reach past the wild or unique circumstances of the characters to get right to the heart of their being.  I remember watching Trainspotting and thinking how much I loved and cared about the characters, even if they had less than redeeming qualities.  The same could be said for 28 Days Later.  Even minor characters have depth to them, and the major characters - you just want them to live.  You just want this makeshift family to get to where they're going.  The acting is as good as expected in a Danny Boyle film, with Murphy and Harris as real standouts.

There are some really great moments in it as well. Jim's awakening and wandering around a beautifully empty London is haunting and sad. Jim's standoff at the roadblock is surrealistically bad-ass. His rescue of and subsequent brush with a machete wielded by Selena is heartbeat-fast tension. There are plenty to choose from, believe me.

Plus, I have to admit.  It's weird looking back on this movie and seeing Doctor Who (Eccleston) face off with The Scarecrow (Murphy) after the death of Mad-Eye Moody (Gleeson).

That's the nerd in me.

28 Days Later is kinetic and solemn at the same time, at the time a new look at infection horror when the genre was really starting to break out again.  It's always worth a look and makes you think twice when you hear about a new strain of the flu making its rounds.  Cover your mouth!  And eyes, nose, ears...

Monsters (2010) Is There Beauty In The Beast?

If there's anything I love in the realm of film, it's when filmmakers use every single cent of a tiny budget and make something look like a few million bucks.

Enter 2010's Monsters, written and directed by Gareth Edwards. I knew it was low-budget, but that phrase doesn't scare me away. You can have low-budget that's really bad, but then you have low-budget where it looks like the people involved really went out and tried to make something special. Whether they did or not doesn't really matter, actually. The passion and creativity are there, and that's what important...and maybe leads to bigger and better things.

The story is your basic road story with twists appropriate for the genre. Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able, a real-life couple at the time, play world-weary photographer Andrew Kaulder and Samantha Wynden, daughter of Kaulder's boss, a magazine magnate. Kaulder is tasked with getting Samantha out of Mexico after a disaster destroys her hotel. Oh, and the disaster? A very large, spider-octopus-lookin' thing that could easily have been a star in an H. P. Lovecraft story.

Seems that six years before the movie begins, a probe was sent into space. It crashed back to Earth carrying something...well, many somethings...that grew into these destructive creatures. The new residents of our world are contained in an "infection zone," right about at the border of Mexico and the United States. And, before you start reading political undertones into the movie, Gareth Edwards has stated that there were no such undertones - it's simply where the story is set. So get any political mumbo-jumbo out of your head right away. Some of us watch movies to be entertained, not comb through them for liberal/conservative "secret agendas." Simmer down.

Now, Samantha's dad hired Andrew to get her out of there, but complications arise. Ferries to and from the coast are shutting down due to the creatures' migration patterns. Tickets cost $5000 apiece. Andrew loses Samantha's passport. The only way home is straight through the infected zone.

The film chronicles their journey from the heart of Mexico back home to the United States, and the perils in between. They have several run-ins with the creatures, including one that kills or chases off their armed escort. On their own, and bonding closer and closer along the way, they reach the US of A, only to find the border wall is wide-open, and towns in Texas are being evacuated. They hole up in a gas station and come to terms with their personal lives: Samantha is engaged to someone she doesn't love, and Andrew has a son at home that he loves, but isn't allowed to be his father.

The gas station sequence is really something I enjoyed. Two creatures arrive and after a tense moment, the main characters watch - mesmerized and brimming with emotion - as the two enormous "monsters" communicate and gently caress each other, biological electricity flashing through their bodies in the night. It's a well-done scene, meant to be beautiful, and I imagine I would have the same reaction if I saw something like that at night near my corner gas station. Lucky me, I usually get to see the oblivious schlub picking his nose while he pumps mid-grade.

Monsters is very low-key. It's narrative is slow and deliberate, not meant for shocks and thrills. The "monster" scenes are meant to be tense, but it's never jump-out-of-your-seat stuff. The acting is natural, never forced - Andrew and Samantha come across as real, average people. Everyone else is pretty much an extra...seriously. They used people who were right there to play people...um...right there.

I wouldn't call Monsters scary, but I'd call it a damn fine effort in making a low-budget, good-looking film.

Oh, and pay close attention to the very beginning and the very end of the movie. Neat little storytelling device there...

Until next time, fellow survivors, pray our own "border walls" hold - the undead are getting pretty relentless...

Triangle (2009) Somebody Divided By Zero

Every so often, a movie comes along and it...does something to your head. As a huge fan of LOST, I love a good puzzle on my screen. Something that makes me imagine or makes me ponder the odd circumstances in which the characters find themselves. Triangle, written and directed by Christopher Smith, is a movie in which someone, somewhere divided by zero, sending everyone - viewer included - tumbling into a pit like that kid falling into the hat dimension in the kid's show Lidsville.


Normally, when I share my thoughts on a film, I give a mostly-spoiler-free synopsis of what happens. Triangle is one of those films that to give a synopsis is to spoil the entire thing. I honestly can't get into the entire thing without spoiling everything. I can tell you what happens to a point, but I can't elaborate much after that. It really that wonderful sort of film that requires you to pay attention from start to finish...and beyond.


Here's what I can tell you: quiet, somewhat nervous beauty Jess (Melissa George) joins her good friend (and nice guy who's attracted to her) Greg (Michael Dorman) on his boat, along with Greg's young first mate Victor (Liam Hemsworth), yuppie couple Downey and Sally (Henry Nixon and Rachel Capriani), and their friend Heather (Emma Lung). Greg's worried about Jess, who has left her autistic son Tommy (Joshua McIvor) at his school. Downey and Sally don't care for Jess and have brought Heather along to fix her up with Greg. Setting sail, it isn't long before they encounter strange radio broadcasts and a violent freak storm which capsizes their boat.


It isn't a spoiler to mention that Heather is lost during the storm, and the survivors manage to make their way on board an oddly-quiet luxury liner happening their way. Once they board, they begin to explore.

This is when it gets weird.


The rest of the movie - and even parts up to and including the basics I just mentioned - is a trip that will surely make you rewind, rewatch, and end up insanely scrawling mad equations on the wall of your padded cell. Things happen. You want there to be a solution, but like the myth of Sisyphus, who was doomed to roll a rock uphill repeatedly for all eternity (and who's mentioned in the movie), it's not going to come easily.

As for the movie itself, it's tightly written and well-directed with a standout performance by Melissa George. This really is her movie, and she's up to the challenge. The movie looks good and director Smith makes the most of mounting tension and stunning reveals throughout. There will be inevitable comparisons to Timecrimes, but I personally found Triangle to be the superior movie - and was allegedly conceived well before Timecrimes.

Really, check this one out. Give yourself a good movie-watching atmosphere and follow the bouncing ball, because it'll have you bouncing off the walls. Then think about what you just saw and try to figure it out. That's the fun.

Oh, yeah, and that kid from Lidsville? He divided by zero. Check it out:



You don't want that to happen to you, do you? Trapped in a dimension of giant talking hats, being pursued by an evil Charles Nelson Reilly?

Until next time, friends, practice safe math. Seriously.

Outpost (2008) The Punisher Meets Some Evil Nazi Zombies

When you need a villain, you really can't go wrong with those evil Nazi bastards. There's a built-in hatred for those master race jerks that allows you to cheer when they're mowed down by the dozen. Make them zombies or ghosts or whatnot, and *bam*...instant supernatural villain. They're villains in the truest sense of the word. No cheering for them because it's "edgy" or "cool" (see World Championship Wrestling's 90's faction The New World Order). If you're cheering for the Nazi, then get off my lawn now.

Much in the same way Dead Snow brought scores of superhuman, very undead Nazi zombies to battle against innocent Norwegian vacationers, the 2008 British horror offering Outpost has a group somewhat more prepared for battle going up against undead Nazi super-soldiers. Throw in a slight touch of sci-fi, and you have an interesting premise.

Soldier of fortune DC (Ray Stevenson of Punisher: War Zone) and his band of merry men have been hired by secretive corporate fellow Hunt (Julian Windham) to open up and explore a bunker deep in some war-torn Eastern European forest. DC's got quite the international team of mercenaries, with guys from the USA to Belgium to Russia. The USA's representative, Prior is played by Richard Brake. You may remember him as my favorite part of Perkins' 14.

And imagine my surprise and delight when I find out that the Irish representative in this team, McKay, is played by none other than Michael Smiley, the rave-obsessed, mood-swinging bike messenger Tyres from my favorite Brit-com, Spaced.



I kept waiting for him to spout his trademark, "Oi-oi! You lucky people!" But alas, this was a more serious role.

The team enters the bunker and find some weirdness right off the bat. Radios don't work very well, and on top of possible snipers bearing down on them, they find someone somewhat alive. A strange, silent bald man lies among a pile of bodies in a mysterious room. No one knows how he could've arrived there, since the bunker was pretty much sealed and hadn't been touched in decades. Upon further investigation, they discover not only is the bunker very old, and not only was it used by the Nazis in World War II, but it was used for some of the more bizarre experiments.

In this bunker, the Nazis apparently tried creating the perfect soldier: one with tremendous capacity for physical strength and cruelty, as well as being virtually indestructible. Not only that, there's the whole reason that Hunt guy is there. Seems the Nazis were also experimenting with reality and time distortion, and there's a machine there his bosses want. The closer he gets to deciphering and understanding the machine, the worse it gets for him and the merc team. Shadowy figures appear on the perimeter. Members of the team go missing and then turn up, tortured and murdered.

Like evil undead super-ninjas, the Nazi super-soldiers get inside the bunker and then the kicker: the helpless, catatonic guy they found at the beginning. Not so helpless after all. While watching one of the films found in the bunker, it's discovered that Silent Bald Guy is really Ultra-Evil Nazi General Guy. He survived the experiment, plus a shot to the head, and is looking to reclaim his mantle as leader.

It comes down to The Punisher DC doing his best to mow down the advancing undead superhumans, but to no avail. Everybody goes, and they don't go pretty. When a recovery team arrives to assess the situation and maybe rescue who might be left (um, no one at this point), the silhouettes appear again at the treeline and we know everyone is pretty much screwed.

This was another movie that didn't wow me, but didn't totally disappoint. The notion of space and time being slightly warped intrigued me. The thought that there was possibly more going on there than what we actually saw. Exactly what could that machine do? I'd like to know more, and it looks as though I may get to, as a sequel is in the works for later this year. This film looked good and had some nice performances. While Richard Brake again played a loony, which he does very well, it was nice to see Michael Smiley show range since I mostly associate him with his wacky character on Spaced. So, mixed feelings on this one, mostly positive, though. I say show me more - there is more that can be done with this story, and it could be tightened up into a nice package.

Still, when all is said and done, The Punisher would have had a field day on those supernatural goose-steppers.

Until next time, fellow survivors, don't mess with the space-time continuum. It makes a mess.

Spaced Season 1, Episode 3 "Art": The Inspiration For Shaun Of The Dead

I love Shaun Of The Dead. That's no secret. It's the perfect love letter to the Romero Living Dead film. The energy, the snappy yet unpretentious dialogue, the subtle (and not-so-subtle) references to other zombie movies -- all that provided an intoxicating mix for me. The main crew of actors Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and director Edgar Wright shot up the charts in my eyes.

I also love the British sitcom or "Britcom," if you will. I grew up on a steady diet of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" in high school, "The Young Ones" in college, and "Red Dwarf" and "Coupling" in recent years. When I heard the buzz around the connection of Shaun Of The Dead and a two-season cult classic called "Spaced," I had to check it out.

Thank you, Netflix. Then thank you, Amazon, for providing me with the most-viewed DVD set in my collection.



"Spaced" is the creation of Pegg, Wright, and Jessica Stevenson (née Hynes). You might remember Stevenson as Shaun's friend he occasionally runs into during the zombie apocalypse ("Good luck!"). The show itself is about two people who meet and pretend to be a couple in order to rent a sweet apartment, and the friendships they form with the other tenants and landlord. The episodes are fast-paced, snappy, and chock full of pop culture references that would test the trivia knowledge of the most hardened expert. There's a shot-for-shot nod to Pulp Fiction and the scene where Vincent Vega meets his end. The hilarious reference to The Sixth Sense even includes Olivia Williams, who played Bruce Willis' wife. So many references, you can actually choose as subtitles the "Homage-O-Meter," which literally tells you each reference on-screen. Beautiful.

Just as stated on the DVD commentary of Shaun of the Dead, the inspiration for the movie came from the third episode of the first season. The episode, "Art," begins with Tim Bisley (Pegg) dispatching classic slow-moving zombies while making Bruce Campbell-esque quips like "Come get some" or "Heads up." It is, of course, a wonderfully bloody mess. When he turns his gun on the final zombie, the truth is revealed: he's actually been playing "Resident Evil 2" all night because of some speed he got from some aggressively friendly Scots he'd been playing pool with at the pub.

The seed had been planted. A few years later, Shaun of the Dead would be born.

You can watch the clip on YouTube (sorry, can't embed it here).

The zombie references don't end there. During the course of the episode, fellow tenant and artist Brian Topp (Mark Heap) is invited to a performance by his former collaborator Vulva (a non-gender-specific straight male performance artist played deliciously by "Little Britain" co-star David Walliams). For fun, Daisy (Stevenson) pulls the still-wired Tim along for the viewing, despite Brian's protests. He's still reeling from Vulva's rejection and intends on standing up to him...her...er...you know.

After the marathon performance, Brian confronts Vulva with little success as Tim enjoys the free drinks and Twiglets. The speed, the lack of sleep, the booze, and the fact that Twiglets "make [him] violent" causes Tim to hallucinate there are zombies everywhere. He sees Vulva moving in on Brian and thinks it's a zombie ready to bite his friend, so he punches out the arrogant artist before gathering his friends, nervously reciting some lines from "Resident Evil 2," and scurrying out of the place.



It's very clear that everyone involved with "Spaced" is a fan of horror films. Not only are there references spiced all throughout the two seasons, but the camera work often employs techniques one finds in a horror or suspense film. The soundtrack is full of clips and themes recognizable to the horror fan. The episode I've written about here includes cues from "Resident Evil 2." The penultimate episode features an homage to The Omen, complete with music.

Maybe the show itself can't be classified as horror. It's comedy, pure and simple. But there are so many influences derived from horror, I see it as a shame not to include it in my exploration of the genre.



If you have Netflix, check it out right away. Such an enjoyable series full of fanboy/fangirl moments, and it's such a well-written, well-acted, and well-directed set of episodes. Seriously, get your hands on this series, sit back, and try to pick out all the references while you laugh your arse off.

Until next time, fellow shelter citizens, remember that the undead seem to have fully functioning ears. Refrain from shouting if possible.

The Children (2008)

You know, I can relate to kids. I'm trained to be an elementary school teacher. I can talk to them on their level. I'm somewhat of a big kid myself, as I like video games, superheroes, and fart jokes. But in the world of horror, no one - and I mean no one - is exempt from being an antagonist wielding sharp things. With a title like The Children and a tagline like "You brought them into the world. They will take you out," it should come as no surprise who the antagonists are in this low-budget gem.

Written and directed by Tom Shankland, The Children takes place in the remote English countryside around Christmastime. One family consisting of parents Elaine and Jonah (Eva Birthistle and Stephen Campbell Moore), teenage daughter Casey (Hannah Tointon), middle daughter Miranda (Eva Sayer) and withdrawn youngest Paulie (William Howes), visits their relatives joined by the sisterhood of Elaine to Chloe (Rachel Shelley). Chloe's married to Robbie (Jeremy Sheffield) and they have two tykes of their own, oldest Nicky (Jake Hathaway) and little Leah (Raffiela Brooks). There, all players are in place for the carnage to begin.


Something's not right from the start. Little Paulie is sick, and they pass it off as car sickness. He's quiet, except for banging on a small xylophone. Constantly. Knock it off, Paulie. He gets weirder as the night goes on, even slapping his own father at one point. The other kids are hyper and very much the model of yuppie children. The parents don't do much to calm them down. Casey's the lone exception, a typical pissed-at-the-world teenager. She'd rather be going to a party with her friends, but she's stuck with her relatives. The kids play loudly before settling in for sleep, but Leah coughs up some goop and like a good kid, wipes it on her pillow.

The next day, everyone's playful and no one seems to be sick. And hey, where's that cat? There's a little accident with the sled when Paulie lets it hit Chloe, who spills hot drinks all over Jonah. Jonah gets yuppie-pissy and punishes Paulie while yelling at Casey. Casey's had her fill and enters the greenhouse later to find Robbie having a smoke. There's some bizarre, slightly sexual tension going on that thankfully never goes past this scene, but there is an awkward moment when Chloe walks in and probably assumes the worst.

At dinner, Chloe takes the moment to bring up Casey's forbidden tattoo, but her plan to embarrass her niece never comes to fruition as all the kids go bonkers...crying, yelling, moaning. Like a shared hive-mind or something. Casey's had enough and goes to meet her friend, as they had planned to go to the party all along. The adults are bamboozled, but Robbie takes the kids outside to get them to burn off this weird steam. He gets on a sled, but Nicky pulls a wagon in front of him, causing him to literally get scalped by a hooky, sharpy thing. Blood, blood everywhere, staining the pure white snow. Quite an image, really. The kids freak out again - and I'm telling you, there's a lot of kid-shrieks in this movie so be prepared - and, with the exception of Miranda, bolt off into the woods.

The little tykes go from yuppie-spoiled to Children-of-the-Corn disturbing little nutbars. they cause Elaine to fall off the monkey bars, twisting and breaking her leg in the process. They cut open and insert a freakin' DOLL in the actually-still-alive Robbie's abdomen. It's obvious they did something to that cat, too. They terrorize Casey and Elaine in the greenhouse. Paulie breaks in and assaults them with scissors before being kicked back onto a sharp shard of glass. Yes, a child dies, and the only sensible one in the movie, Casey, sees this as reasonable even though it's her little brother. She's the only one that sees something is wrong with the children.

That doesn't stop Chloe from blaming Casey for all that's happened. Worse, Jonah won't take his daughter's side. Elaine is the only one to believe it all and the sides are split. Chloe takes off into the woods to find her kids while Casey barricades the doors. Panicky Chloe finds her kids - or rather her kids find her - and it's not the best reunion. Well, not for Chloe. They pull her down and stab her in the EYEBALL.

Back in the house, Miranda has crossed over to the dark side. When Casey tries to find the cordless phone, she discovers Miranda hissing and playing "Smash The Cordless Phone." Jonah arrives in the nick of time to misunderstand the situation - and Casey is trying to strangle Miranda after all. Jonah clubs Casey and locks her in the room. This supposedly brilliant guy still can't see what's happening and decides to leave Casey and Elaine, taking Miranda and putting the house in his rearview mirror.

Leah and Nicky return, getting into the house through the dog door and catch up to Elaine on the stairs leading to the room where Casey is trapped. They slowly ascend the stairs to the injured, confused, and defeated Elaine who simply mutters "I can't" when faced with a chance to use the fire poker she scooped up. Casey breaks through the door enough to grab an advancing Nicky and impaling his FACE on sharp door wood. Elaine won't let Casey kill Leah, and they leave in the remaining car.

Down the road, they find Jonah's car, swerved off the road, blood on the windshield. Casey finds Jonah's body buried in the snow, but no Miranda. Oh, wait, there she is, running full tilt at the teenager until Elaine steps on the gas and car checks her daughter into the back of the crashed car in one of the most stunningly-filmed - albeit quick - death scenes I've seen. It just looked, well, crazy.

Suddenly, creeping out of the woods, there are more kids than at a Wiggles concert. They advance slowly, knowingly. It's as if they now know they're in control...of everything. Casey barely makes it back into the car before her mom pops the clutch and leaves the murderous rugrats in the dust.

And, uh, Casey...you're looking a little rough around the edges there...

The Children is a neat little package that starts with a few clues here and there, then steamrolls towards a chilling conclusion. Those clues? When you watch the film, listen closely as to what Jonah does as a living. He helps create inoculations against diseases. It's his youngest that's sick. I assumed that he may have brought some of his work home with him. Places like the CDC and its worldwide cousins are supposed to be airtight against escaping contagions, but no one's perfect. Just ask everyone in "The Stand."

There are a few questions to think about as the movie ends, too, which I always find stimulating if it's done right. Was Casey infected or just really worn out? If the infection starts with the youngest and works its way up, will adults eventually be infected? After seeing this movie, do I still really want to be a teacher?

I was also reminded of Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows' insanely unsettling comic book series "Crossed," which features a contagion that causes people to turn utterly and completely evil in the most frantic and destructive of ways. The kids share a certain glee in the killing and sadism, much like Ennis' script has people doing. I had just read Crossed #8 right before the movie, so I was in that frame of mind.



Great little movie with some natural acting - the kids are supposed to be spoiled brats - and shots filmed in such a way that you only see quick glimpses of carnage, but the images stick to your mind like drying blood.

Brrr.

I'm out for now and remember, stay away from cities during the outbreak.