The Loved Ones (2009) Proms Sure Have Changed

I remember prom. It was senior year, 1985, northern Michigan. I wore a white tux and went with a friend of mine out to dinner, some nice dancing, and that was pretty much it. Nothing spectacular and nothing dramatic. Just a plain old good time. She didn't kidnap me and inject bleach into my voice box or anything. I'm pretty sure of that.

The prom featured in Sean Byrne's 2009 horror trip The Loved Ones is a far cry from the one I remember, and a far cry from those cheesy 80's coming-of-age raunchy teen comedy versions of proms.  This one is disturbing, insane, and white-knuckle-inducing.  Although it was released in Australia in 2009, it's finally been distributed on our shores, and it was well worth the wait.  Sure, the high school prom has figured heavily into horror over the years, in films like Prom Night and Carrie.  But The Loved Ones turns it on its ear somewhat and gives the setting a fresh new take.

Brent (Xavier Samuel) is having a rough year, to say the least.  His father died in a horrible accident when Brent swerved to avoid hitting someone in the middle of the road (an incident that is more important than you think).  His mother blames him - in a roundabout way - and spends each day in a depressed haze.  The only bright spot, other than his goofy best friend, is his girlfriend, Holly (Victoria Thaine).  She's good to him, and truly loves the morose kid.  Brent seems popular, because he's also asked to prom by shy, demure Lola (Robin McLeavy).  He politely declines, and she seems hurt.  While on a walk and a climb, Brent just wants to clear his muddled mind.  It's here that his world changes...well, significantly.

Waking up from a chloroform nap, Brent finds himself tied to a chair while Lola and her deranged, wild-eyed father recreate their own twisted prom.  And believe me, "twisted" is a severe, severe understatement.  Turns out Lola isn't so demure after all.  She wants a perfect prom, and she will do anything to get it.  Her father, in turn, will do anything for his baby girl.  Brent, muted by a shot of bleach to the voice box, is thrust deeper and deeper into a depraved, sadistic night that involves sharp objects, power tools, and pure desperation.

I'm not going to go any further with the synopsis because it's really something you'd need to see for yourself.  It's a high-energy downward spiral with incredible acting, a crackling script, and directing that keeps everything going non-stop start to finish.  Byrne has set the bar high for himself, and the acting from Samuel, McLeavy, and John Brumpton (the father) is top-of-the-line.  I don't recall ever cheering so much for a protagonist to escape his predicament like I did for Samuel's Brent.  I mean, escape becomes increasingly impossible as Lola and her pops get increasingly brutal.  McLeavy plays crazy so well, and Samuel does an excellent job with no words for the entire ordeal.

The Loved Ones had a lot of build-up amongst the horror community, and it's well-deserved.  If you have the stomach for it, it's a film any horror fan shouldn't miss and one of the better ones I've had the pleasure to review this year.  And, oh, the music...chilling...brrr....

So, enjoy your prom, and just be glad you didn't have to spend it with Lola and her family.  You'd have to hide the bleach and the power drill...

Troll 2 (1990) It's...It's Like A Gift (plus a bonus review)

There comes a film.

There comes a film each generation that...simply defies logic.  It transcends the simple words "good" or "bad."  Its very existence beckons you to judge it, then spits Gatorade in your face before cartwheeling away.  You're left confused, bewildered, somewhere between horrified and amused, and smelling of lemon-lime.

This, my friends...this is the magical experience that is Troll 2.

I...I almost don't know where to start.  First off, its name implies a sequel.  It is nothing of the sort.  In fact, and this is not a spoiler (spoilers just don't even apply to this thing), there isn't a troll to be found in Troll 2.  Saying you have to see Troll before Troll 2 is like saying you have to eat a Filet-O-Fish before you eat a bag of Skittles.  Does that make sense?  Of course not.  Nothing about this movie does.

It's an Italian film made in rural Utah, directed by the one-of-a-kind Claudio Fragasso (under the name Drake Floyd) and written by Fragasso and his wife, Rosella Drudi.  Fragasso used to write along with Bruno Mattei in such films as the wildly awful-good Hell of the Living Dead (aka Night of the Zombies), and then directed his own fare, such as the strange 80's Alice Cooper vehicle, Monster Dog.  To understand the mind of Fragasso is one of life's grand mysteries.  He considers Troll 2 to be a social commentary masterpiece.

Anyway, the story goes that a bunch of weekend actors showed up at auditions hoping to be extras and were cast as the main characters.  People hoping to be in the next blockbuster, hoping to get their acting careers off the ground, honestly trying to just make it.  Little did they know what they were in for then, and little did they know how some 20 years later, what they were in for in an insanely different direction.

So there is a plot, so let's get right to it.  The Waits, a nice suburban family, have decided to vacation in sunny Nilbog, a remote rural town in the middle of nowhere.  They're exchanging houses...wait...exchanging houses?  Okay...wait...yeah, exchanging houses with a Nilbog family.  Wow.  Along for the ride, sort of, is daughter Holly's boyfriend, Elliot, and his three buddies as they tag along in an RV.  Because RV's were considered cool in the late 80's.

"You can't piss on hospitality!"

Oh, one thing I should mention is that the youngest Waits, Joshua, has regular conversations with his late Grandpa Seth, who was incidentally wise to the ways of magic.  The Astounding Seth, who's sort of a cross between Doctor Strange and Burl Ives, warns Joshua that he must convince his family to leave Nilbog by any means necessary.  Even if it means stopping time so Joshua can position himself to pee all over the food the previous family left, leading to the infamous "you don't piss on hospitality" monologue by papa Michael.  But that urinary spritzer did postpone what the nefarious townspeople have in store for the Waits:  they're really a town full of goblins (Nilbog = goblin...get it?) who are...steady yourself...vegetarian goblins.  The tainted food will magically turn the humans into plants so they can be eaten.  Yeah, you read that right.

Meanwhile, one of Elliot's buddies, Arnold, ventures out and runs into a woman trying to escape a mob of veggie goblins.  After a nasty run-in with the darling little scamps, they make their way to an old house/church where they meet the delightfully wacky druid queen, Creedence Leonore Gielgud, whose monologues ooze with villainous relish.  Some bizarre hospitality later, and the damsel-in-distress is a puddle of chlorophyll goo and a gaggle of goblins is chowing down on her, forcing Arnold to utter - nay, say loudly - the now-infamous "Oh, my God!" line.

"Oh, my GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!"  And yes, that's a scene-stealing fly on his forehead.

Some time later, another of Elliot's buddies, Drew, goes off in search of the town, where he meets some awfully friendly and interesting residents, like the store owner, played by a legitimate patient from a nearby mental hospital.  The store has no meaty foods, but lots of creepy milk.  Drew takes off, but since he has eaten something from the town, he gets fatigued and his shirt magically changes.  Seriously, watch for it.  Before long, Drew stumbles across the same house/church and sees his friend now literally a potted plant.  Most people would probably point, laugh hysterically, and say "Dude!" but Drew tries in vain to drag Arnold out but Creedence rears her verbose head once again.

Hilariously, Grandpa Seth's ghostly head appears to Holly in a "oops, wrong room" moment and later warns Joshua to seriously get the family out of there.  Joshua destroys all the food in a non-urinary way and must later accompany his father to town to hopefully buy more of what passes for food in Nilbog.  While there, he meets the lovely congregation, led by a preacher who looks like Kalibak from Jack Kirby's Fourth World saga from DC Comics...oops, sorry, crossing the streams here.

Kalibak, as created by the honest-to-God genius that was Jack Kirby.

Only now does Poppa Waits start to suspect something's not quite right in Nilbog.  Joshua already had it confirmed when he saw the name of the town reflected in a mirror.  Go ahead, you try it.  When they return home, the entire town is there to greet them with a party of whimsy and vegetable dishes.  Joshua freaks and tries to call Seth but is attacked by Creedence in her less-Tim-Burton-y goblin form.  Wizard Seth shows up, lops off Creedence's hand, and chases her away before instructing Joshua on the fine art of making a Molotov cocktail.  After a little scuffle, the Kalibak-like preacher is killed in the ensuing magic battle, reverting to his own goblin form...finally convincing the family that hm, something's up.  They hole up in the house and try to ride out Hurricane Nilbog.  Oh, yeah, forgot to mention Elliot's with them now.  Why bother with details?

Elliot's last surviving buddy, Brent, has the most un-sexual sexual encounter with Creedence, who puts on her best face and black stockings, and seduces him with an ear of corn.

AN EAR OF CORN!

Kind of like 9 1/2 Weeks, only wackier.

They kiss and popcorn explodes everywhere.  It sounds like a dream I once had.  With Brent now trapped, Creedence can join her little helpers in capturing the Waits, who have summoned The Stupendous Seth with a seance.  Seth is able to pass him an all-important bag that apparently has an "ultimate weapon" in it.  Joshua shows up at Creedence's pad and touches the piece of Stonehenge that provides her power.  Then, with goblins closing in, he reveals the secret weapon:

A BALONEY SANDWICH!

They're vegetarian goblins, remember?  They can't eat meat, so Joshua chows down, chasing off his pursuers.  The Waits and Elliot escape Nilbog and return home for one of those "or is it?" endings that you can file under "funny" and "say what?".

And...scene.

I wanted to stand up and applaud as the end credits ran.  I don't know why.  By all rights, this movie should have made even one of my even temper angry.  But I wasn't angry.  I was astounded at the pure audacity of the movie.  The moxie, if you will.  It shouldn't exist.  But it does.  And it does so with renewed energy.  Though it was released in 1990, it has that distinct 80's "let's make a movie" straight-to-video spirit.  You can't help but chuckle at the script, the delivery of the lines, the "one take is good enough" acting, the costumes, the sets, the evaporation of logic, and priceless presentation.  Troll 2 is now an icon of anti-cinema, beloved for its badness.  And it's something everyone should experience once in their lives.

Now, I alluded to a bonus review.  You can't see Troll 2 without seeing the documentary Best Worst Movie. Released in 2009, nearly 20 years after its magical subject, Best Worst Movie lovingly looks back at Troll 2, headed up by someone who knows the film better than most:  Michael Stephenson, who played young Joshua.  He set out to document the phenomenon of a film considered so incredibly bad, yet finding its cult audience many years later.  He also set out to reconnect with other stars of the film, with some results proving fun and positive, to others revealing a touch of sadness.

The film documents how modern audiences have grown to accept just how bad the film is, and yet love it anyway.  It shows Troll 2 viewings across the nation, from a traveling exhibit by the Alamo Drafthouse to small gatherings to a reunion set up by the Upright Citizens Brigade comedy troupe in New York City.  One of the highlights of the film is surely Alabama dentist George Hardy, who played the father in the film.  He's gone on to be a successful, beloved member of his community and has an undeniable charisma and likeability about him.  Never bitter about the experience, he does grow tired of the attention...but only just a little.  On the other end of the spectrum, Margo Prey (the mother) and Robert Ormsby (Grandpa Seth) seem overwhelmed and lonely in their lives, despite the good memories of working on the film.  Somewhere in the middle, with feelings of happiness and bitterness mixed with some delusion, is director Claudio Fragasso.  He truly believes the film is a masterpiece of social commentary and a true cinematic classic.  Perhaps he's a mad genius all along?

Along with some lovely goblins, you see Robert Ormsby (Seth), George Hardy (Michael Waits), and Michael Stephenson (Joshua Waits).

Best Worst Movie is an interesting and entertaining - and quite positive - companion piece to Troll 2.  Watch one...recover...then watch the other for a well-rounded dip into the wackiness of cult movies, Italian filmmaking, post-80's direct-to-video, and wild cinema abandon.

And if you go to the town of Nilbog, just pack a few baloney sandwiches, and you'll be okay.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009) Oh, This Ought To Be Fun To Write About

I recall first hearing about The Human Centipede (First Sequence) a couple years ago and thought it was an interesting idea:  crazy doctor attaches people at sensitive areas to create one big digestive tract and therefore, a "human centipede."  I imagined it would be something strange, something that would have a hard time making the rounds because really, who'd want to be the distributor who put out something that over-the-top?  Well, IFC Films - as they often do - took the chance and put out this movie here in the United States, and honestly, its bark was worse than its bite.

You'd think that a movie like this, with its wild medical horror premise, would be a big, insane, bloody mess.  It's actually nothing of the sort.  The idea of what's happening to the victims in the film is actually worse than the execution.  Kind of like how the idea of getting punished when you're a kid is often worse than the actual punishment.  The movie isn't what you think it is.

It goes a little like this (some minor spoilers abound):

Two American tourists in Germany, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie), find themselves stranded when their car breaks down.  They stumble across the abode of a real "people person," Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser), who drugs their drinks and confines them to his homemade basement hospital room, which they share with a trapped trucker (Rene de Wit).  Dr. Heiter proclaims the trucker an unfit "match" and quietly kills him by poisoning his IV.  He kidnaps another hapless guy, a Japanese tourist named Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), and sets about creating his special science project for the Mad Scientist Science Fair.  Lindsay almost escapes at one point but is captured.  Her punishment?  To be the "middle section" of the creature Dr. Heiter wants to create - one with one continuous digestive tract.  Yeah, you do the math.

The operation goes as planned and Dr. Heiter has his creature.  He tries to train it to bring him the paper and otherwise be obedient, but come on.  Would you want to take orders after all that?  Before long, Jenny appears to be dying of blood poisoning, with her stitches becoming infected.  Heiter contemplates bringing in some new "segments" just as a pair of policemen show up to question him about some missing tourists.  Heiter is less than honest and just a tad quirky.  He grows a couple of brass ones and actually slips the policemen some of the same knockout drug, although only one ingests it.

The three tourists try to escape, nearly making it out the window after incapacitating Heiter for a time.  Then Katsuro loses the last bit of his mind and takes the glass-shard-to-the-throat way out.  The police return and have a fatal showdown with the crazed Heiter.  Jenny finally succumbs to her infections, leaving Lindsay alone, the middle segment, with everyone dead around her.

That's pretty much it.  It's not overly gory, and the disgusting parts are more hidden or implied rather than "in your face," not to be funny about it.  Okay, that was a little funny.  Anyway, like I said, it's the idea of what the operation is, what it means, and how it plays out that is more stomach-churning than what you actually see.  Don't get me wrong:  this isn't a heart-warming family movie to which you could gather the kids around and eat popcorn and then discuss life lessons when it's over.  It's a gimmick movie and there's no bones about it.

I didn't find it terrible, nor did I find it amazing.  The best part of the whole thing, believe it or not, was the suspense.  Writer/director Tom Six actually does a fine job creating tension in such scenes as the attempted escapes and the final showdown with the police.  Simple but effective use of set and lighting as well as timing made for some very good scenes of suspense that had nothing to do with how disgusting anything was.  The other part I found quite good was the villainous lead of Dr. Heiter as played by the spooky-looking Dieter Laser.  Laser looks emaciated, harsh, and mad in the eyes - he plays Heiter to the hilt.  You truly want to see him get his - just a completely amoral character who only wishes to please his own mega-twisted fantasies.

Bottom line:  The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is not a movie they'll show on ABC Family any time soon.  If you're angry that it exists, well, then don't watch it.  The sequel is apparently everything the first movie isn't and more, and I'll thank the numerous reviewers who threw themselves on the proverbial grenade and watched it.  This first film is not as bad as you might think, but not the end-all be-all of horror films.

Plus, it doesn't really help to watch it just before you go to the hospital for a couple nights.  I was watching everyone who came into my room suspiciously.

Thanks, medical horror movies.

Zombieland (2009) Lively, Drooling, Angry-Eyed Fun

Why have I taken this long to review one of my favorite horror-comedies?  Why ask why?

2009's stellar Zombieland, written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and directed by Ruben Fleischer, is a slam-bang, energetic romp (always wanted to use that word in a review) through a world devastated by zombies of the "caught a nasty virus and really got messed up with a taste for human flesh" variety.  There's been a long-standing debate as to whether or not this is truly a horror film.  Many maintain it's a comedy instead of horror.  I tend to believe that it is indeed a comedy with horror elements; therefore, I'm comfortable with the genre label of "horror-comedy."

The world has ended and all neurotic Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) wants to do is head home to his family.  A nervous but careful young man, Columbus (not his real name, but where he's from) has survived the zombie apocalypse through his meticulous rules, which include shooting a zombie twice to ensure it's dead (Rule #2), not being a hero (Rule #17), and the all-important keeping up of the cardio (Rule #1). 

Yeah, Rule #3 is pretty important, I'd say.

On his way out of town, he meets tough-guy Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), an expert in zombie-killing who is searching for the last stash of Twinkies, as they represent a simpler, happier time in his life.  The two complete opposites soon run afoul of two grifting sisters, Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), who steal their guns and their ride.  Soon the tables are turned, and despite their differences, the four team up at least to get where they're going:  Pacific Playland, which is supposed to be devoid of zombies.

They stop for an overnight in Los Angeles and stay at Bill Murray's mansion, which leads to some hilarity, in-jokes, and one big misunderstanding.  Tallahassee lets his guard down and we discover just why he hates zombies so much, a truly heartbreaking reveal.  Columbus and Wichita grow a little closer, leading the nervous young man to think he's finally found the family he always wanted with these strangers.  But Wichita and Little Rock bug out, trying to convince themselves they don't need anyone else, and head for Pacific Playland.  Columbus refuses to let them go and gets Tallahassee to join him in tracking the girls down.

At the amusement park, the sisters' night of fun is rudely interrupted by hordes of zombies attracted by the bright lights and now, fresh meat.  They find refuge on the drop tower ride but their time is running short.  Columbus and Tallahassee ride to the rescue, with Columbus overcoming his paralyzing fear of clowns - yes, that means clown zombie - and Tallahassee making a last stand inside a concession booth.  Somehow, through sheer bravery and quite a bit of luck, the four manage to survive.  And yes, Columbus finds the family he so longed for.

Zombieland is just pure fun from beginning to end.  It pops on the screen with four likable characters fueled by excellent performances by Eisenberg, Harrelson, Stone, and Breslin.  So many memorable lines, so many memorable scenes, as well as the funniest cameo put on film in ages.  It's not a long movie, clocking in at around 88 minutes, but it moves along very quickly, never pausing too long on overly serious scenes yet still bringing about depth in each character.  If you're squeamish, the opening scene will be enough to let you know you may be averting your eyes a few times during the movie, but really, it's entirely worth watching.  If the planned sequel is anywhere near as much fun, I'll be happy.

So Zombieland is definitely a comedy with roots in horror, and it not only walks the fine line between the two genres, it puts on a lampshade and boogies down on each side of the line.  So much fun, and definitely belongs in my high pantheon of horror-comedies along with Shaun of the Dead, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, and Evil Dead II:  Dead by Dawn.

Now "nut up or shut up" and see it!

The Horde (2009) If They Don't Kill Each Other First

You remember those trailers from movies that featured two unlikely allies who must accomplish some goal "if they don't kill each other first"?  My friends and I used to riff on it quite often - "Hey, they're heading down to the bar...if they don't kill each other first."  Pure hilarity, I'm tellin' you.

Well, that whole notion is the basis of the French zombie action film, 2009's The Horde.  Directed by Yannick Dahan and Benjamin Rocher in their feature film debut, the basic plot is pretty straightforward.  In France, a group of cops who refer to themselves as a family unit, decide to take revenge on a Nigerian drug lord who has killed one colleague, and kidnapped another.  They're on an unsanctioned mission of vengeance, quietly storming the high-rise tenement building where the drug lord is based.  The raid doesn't go well, and the police are quickly held at the mercy of the bad guys.  Within minutes, the building is under siege by the titular horde of undead.  It's happening inside, too, as the kidnapped cop revives and attacks after being shot multiple times.  The zombies themselves have the origin characteristics of early Romero undead (don't have to be bitten, just be dead to revive) and the physical attributes of the mad runners of 28 Days Later (they're hungry and fast).  What brought on this undead virus is never revealed.  The important thing is you have two groups of people who couldn't be more different throwing those differences out the window to feed their instinct for survival.  Their goal is to get out of the building and escape the horde, but you know as well as I do, that ain't happening as easy as they think.  The rest of the film is their attempt at escape, with the building, the zombies, and each other as enemies.

While as a whole, the movie rates as "pretty good" in my opinion, it's the parts that make up the sum that stand out to me.  The action drives the relationships, and so the focus is there, unlike most zombie films where characterization is ranked higher.  I would daresay that this is more of an action movie than a horror movie, the way I see it.  There are stretches where scenes drag on a little too long, but the action is fast and furious.  And no, Vin Diesel is not in it.  Getting back to the "parts that make up the sum" thing I mentioned, I wanted to note that there were are scenes and moments that really made those parts enjoyable.

There were a lot of hand-to-hand combat scenes between uninfected and infected.  No martial arts goodness, but some brutal "fighting for my life" kind of fisticuffs.  One hood, Greco (Jo Prestia), finds and completely destroys two zombies using his fists and a small knife.  Completely badass, but only an appetizer for a scene towards the end of the film when heroic cop Ouessem (Jean-Pierre Martins) faces off with a giant-size horde using at first two pistols, then a machete, then his fists in an increasingly-futile battle.  It's riveting and sad and insane at the same time, and really a highlight of the film.

While Ouessem is a great character, for me, the most intriguing character was Adewale, the drug lord.  Eriq Ebouany portrays him with a full spectrum of emotion, from cold killer to protective brother to respectful ally.  He's smart and tough and will do anything to survive, even help his enemies.  His strength is seen on display when his hotheaded brother Bola (Doudou Masta), Greco, and a crazy old soldier they meet named Rene (Yves Pignot) - all hopped up on cocaine - contemplate sexually assaulting a wounded zombie.  While the zombie writhes on the floor and the drugged-up guys stand over her, Adewale's expression is one of horror and anger.  He shoots the zombie in the head, then angrily reminds Bola of their past in Nigeria and hints at something similar that may have happened in their younger lives.

All parts considered, I liked the movie.  The action sequences were very kinetic, the acting was quite good, and I'm going to give points to zombie movies that show a glimpse of the infection's scale in the world.  In this case, it was a dark, panoramic shot of the city burning and it's the punch in the gut to the characters that lets them know, things just got serious.

Until later, my dear readers, remember:  in a zombie apocalypse, we're all in it together.  Except for Fred Phelps and his Westboro nutjobs. I don't want them anywhere near my shelter.

Here, enjoy the trailer:

Double Dipping: Friday the 13th and Pirnaha (The Remakes)

I seem to be steeped in remakes right about now. Last week, I presented my thoughts on the very good Let Me In - a remake of Let The Right One In - and today, I bring you not one but two looks at recent remakes: 2009's relaunch of the Friday the 13th franchise, and 2010's jaunty remake of Joe Dante's Piranha. Both movies are modern updates of two drive-in-style features from roughly the same period in time, with the original Piranha coming out in 1978 (a great year for horror movies) and Friday the 13th coming out in 1980. Both had their fair share of energy and a certain freshness, which brings about mixed results with their younger descendants.

Let's start with Friday the 13th, originally brought to us in 1980 by Sean S. Cunningham (with writing credits going to Victor Miller). It was a campfire tale brought to life: young, pretty, devil-may-care camp counselors are systematically murdered by the mother of a child that drowned several years before. Boil the story down to its essence, and it truly is one of those flashlight-under-the-chin spooky stories that have been told for generations. In the original, it's given a fleshed-out story, and if anyone remembers, the killer juggernaut Jason Voorhees was not in the first movie, at least not as a the horror icon. He didn't appear until the second film (which I actually find to be the better one).

2009's version, produced by Michael Bay and directed by Marcus Nispel, starts where the original ends: unhinged old lady tries to murder the last teenage counselor, but is given the business end of a machete. Like the beginning of the second film in the 80's, we learn Jason witnessed his beloved but insane mother bite the dust, or mud in this case. Many years later, he takes out his deep-rooted psychological problems on an admittedly annoying group of pretty post-teens out near Camp Crystal Lake geocaching for a secret garden of Mary Jane. A few weeks later, another group of pretty college students heads to the summer home of one of their number and meets Clay (Jared Padalecki of TV's Supernatural), who is still searching for his missing sister, Whitney (Amanda Righetti). Turns out Whitney wasn't killed by Jason in the beginning, as he spared her due to her resemblence to his mother - but he still keeps her chained up in an underground tunnel. It doesn't take long for Jason to start doing his thing to the new group, dispatching them in brutal ways before being defeated by Clay and Whitney in a classically ambiguous ending.

While this remake isn't horrible, I wasn't overly impressed with it either. It's somewhat entertaining, but doesn't have the wild abandon that the original series - despite its shortcomings - possessed. An intriguing change is the no-nonsense body language of Jason. He doesn't lurk for long, instead coming right at victims like a raging hockey-masked rhino. The only time he really "lurks" is when he's stalking Chelsea (Willa Ford) on the lake, and that's just because she's in the water and he's not, which subtly plays into his probable fear of water. It's in the mythology that he was presumed drowned, or was damaged by prolonged time in the water. Anyway, the movie itself was a quarter-pounder, good enough to snack on, but not great as a meal.

Trying to segue deftly from the food analogy of my previous paragraph, I give you Alexandre Aja's Piranha (usually with "3-D" attached to the end), which was a whole different experience. It's based loosely on Joe Dante's (Gremlins) film of the same name, which in itself was a loose sendup of Jaws. Lending itself to the recent trend of homaging grindhouse films, Piranha doesn't have any illusions about itself: it's got boobies and gore, and lots of them, combined with silly lines and situations, and WTF-style cameos that make you say, "wait, he's in this?" I mean, seriously, it's such a rollicking cast. You've got Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry O'Connell, Paul Scheer, Adam Scott, Ricardo Chavira, Dina Meyer, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd, a couple of genuine porn stars, and a cameo by horror director Eli Roth. It's like one of those Airport movies of the 70's. Only with hungry fish.

It's another basic plot: we meet a fisherman (Dreyfuss) who may or may not have triggered a deep tremor by losing his beer bottle while hauling in a fish. The tremor opens up a vast underground lake that's been covered up since the time of the dinosaurs. Out come the fish and of course, it's spring break time in this sleepy little Arizona town. That means a steady diet of alcohol-infused dudes and chesty trollops, along with a few people who don't even deserve it. There is family drama involved as the sheriff (Shue) not only has to deal with the massive carnage at the center of the festivities (which results in a few yuks, both gory and funny) but has to rescue her kids and some others, who are trapped on a porn mogul's (O'Connell) boat. There is, of course, the "gotcha" ending and many 3-D-ready tricks that were pretty much lost on me, watching it in good ol' 2-D.

Piranha is a wacky, toothy good time. Check your brain at the door; you won't need it. And every so often, what's wrong with watching a movie like that? It didn't say, "oooh, look at me, I'm all serious with my mean fish and artsy nudes." No, it said something more along the lines of "dude, check this out and here, pull my finger." It moves along quickly, no one seems to be safe, and you get to see Elizabeth Shue be an action heroine. A movie made just to be fun wink and nod to movies from the tail-end of the grindhouse era. Well, how about that.

And hey, fun fact: the original Piranha had a goofy sequel, Piranha II: The Spawning featuring piranhas that could fly. That film's director, making his feature film debut?

James Cameron.

Until next time, fellow survivors, it's back to the chopper for me.

Ink (2009) Creativity Isn't Dead

Several months ago, my friend and fellow horror blogger Andre from The Horror Digest recommended a slew of movies to me. From the visceral Martyrs to the emotional suspense of I'm Not Scared, she batted 1.000 with them. 2009's Ink was among those recommended, but it got shuffled around on my Netflix queue to the point where I was surprised to see it turn up in my mailbox. I've got to manage that list a little more closely.

Because I should've watched this sooner.

Ink, written and directed by Jamin Winans, is a study in how to weave a powerful tale - a fable in this case - without the benefit of an enormous budget. It wrote its own rules. It was not afraid of its own imagination. And yes, although there are jump cuts, rapid-fire visual tricks, and echoes of The Matrix (among some other distant relatives), it's what was at the heart of the film that moved me. That's it. This film had serious heart.

I can't really provide a detailed synopsis for Ink. To do so would be to spoil certain story elements that you really need to experience for yourself. I can tell you this much: after a tender prelude that actually begins with a jarring car accident, we meet little Emma who is watched over - like everyone - by The Storytellers, people who live on an astral plane and who provide the good dreams people have. Their opposites, the creepy Incubi, cast shadows that bring the nightmares. A misshapen, monstrous man covered in chains and cloaks - who we find later is the titular character, Ink - arrives and kidnaps Emma's astral form from her bedroom. Despite the warrior efforts of Allel, Gabe, and Sarah - the Storytellers assigned to Emma - Ink makes off with the girl in an attempt to bring her to the leader of the Incubi. Ink wants to become one of them, and must help sacrifice the girl, but a small drum he uses to open "doors" to other places is broken, and he must take the long road with Emma and soon another Storyteller, the legendary Liev. Meanwhile, Allel, Gabe, Sarah, and the somewhat-insane blind Pathfinder named Jacob must formulate a plan to reunite Emma with her emotionally distant (and for what he believes is a good reason), somewhat douche-y father, John, the man from the short prologue.


With all of these strings in motion, the film heads toward a conclusion full of action and revelations, punctuated by a lesson. The journey is beautiful. Music swells and weaves during the thoughtful and the action-packed scenes. Visually, shots are set up to frame not just the disorientation of the adventure, but the characters and their outward emotions. Settings and even the effects just look different. Plus, what you find out at the end of the journey is worth every second it took to get there. I like stories that step outside of linear narrative to push and pull reality like taffy. More subtle than most, Ink brings it all home with a climax that's emotional and exciting, packing two punches instead of one. There's that lesson, and it rings true for all of us: what is important in your life and is your anger or guilt sending you on a downward spiral? What can you do to - as Jacob says - "stop the flow"?

Ink is not really horror, although the Incubi are creepy beyond creepy, but I honestly wanted to include this on my blog and spread the word of a low-budget independent film that was a labor of love and I'm sure not easy to distribute. But once it was out there, peer-to-peer sharing (normally illegal, but encouraged by the filmmakers) and word-of-mouth hurtled this little film that could to cult status. I've seen it classified as science fiction, but that genre doesn't fit it either. Fantasy works, and I like the description of "dark fable."


And, oh, the details. Little things I noticed here and there. Among other things, when you see this movie, look for these:

* How the Storytellers appear in our world, like flashes of fireflies or cameras. Sweet little detail.

* How the real world "repairs" itself during a fight scene between Ink and The Storytellers. I love how there's NO evidence that there are forces battling for Emma because the physical world "rights" itself when the astral world makes an impact.

* The straight creepy visual of the Incubi: screens in front of their faces that magnify and distort their expressions, coupled with visual "interference." They rarely speak, but do in hushed tones like a team of conceptual Iagos (woo! Othello reference!).

* Jacob's demonstration of how he listens to the rhythm of the world, and how he can influence it to set in motion something that is designed - no matter how brutal - to help reunite John with his comatose daughter. The music and the cause-and-effect "dance" make for a beautiful scene.

* A single tear running down a certain character's face towards the end, along with the revelation of what has been happening. It's sudden, and it makes sense.

Ink moved me, pure and simple. Many movies claim to be "feel-good" movies, but this one really earned that stripe. It may not be scary, and it may not be disturbing, and it may not be shocking, but once in a while, it's nice to come away from a movie feeling like you really want to smile. And then dream some more.

Watch it. Enjoy. I hope you get the same out of it as I did. Take a peek at the well-done trailer for a glimpse:



Oh! And a quick, unrelated note: I was graciously invited by Nate Yapp of Classic-Horror.com and my good buddy B-sol of The Vault of Horror to contribute to the movie blog, Cinema Geek. I was honored and quickly accepted, so head over there to see articles by yours truly, as well as some of the other great writers from the horror blog community, about movies other than horror.

Until next time, my fellow survivors, sweet dreams...don't let the Incubi give you nightmares.

Survival Of The Dead (2009) Teach Them To Eat At IHOP

I love George A. Romero. I really do. He introduced and fine-tuned the modern living dead template as we know it: slow, lumbering dead people who have been re-animated into vessels of hunger, spreading the contagion to those they don't devour. The original trilogy, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead is placed at the top of horror lists the world over. The subsequent fourth installment, Land of the Dead, was disappointing yet still entertaining. The reboot, Diary of the Dead, was a fresh, updated take on Romero's mythos with a few little missteps here and there.

There are many who say Romero should hang up the zombie spikes and be done with the genre. Admittedly, it would be extremely hard to measure up to Dawn of the Dead, and maybe that's unfair to Romero. I know I'm guilty of holding him up to that film, and it's because Dawn of the Dead is my favorite horror movie, and it's an amazing film. M. Night Shyamalan is often held up to The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable (my favorite movie of Shyamalan's), and maybe that demand is unfair. Because, as everyone knows, nothing measures up to the original blitz of originality and creative flair.

That said, here's my stance: I don't think Romero should give up on the genre. Maybe the movies aren't as good as Dawn of the Dead. But if he's got more stories to tell, and they're at least halfway entertaining, I'm willing to give them a chance. I had middling hopes for his most recent Dead film, Survival of the Dead. I went into expected to see a sad shadow of Romero's past work, but was somewhat surprised to find that it not only held my interest, I was okay with the whole deal.



The story follows an incidental character who appeared in Diary of the Dead. When the main characters of that movie were robbed by renegade military guys, they were threatened by Sarge "Nicotine" Crockett (Alan van Sprang), who advised them to "turn the camera off." In this movie, we find that Crockett passingly remembers those "college kids" and became a minor Internet celebrity when that video was posted. He and his crew have decided to desert and are just searching for a way to escape the rapidly dying (and reviving) world.

Earlier in the movie, we met the feuding families of Patrick O'Flynn (Kenneth Welsh) and Seamus Muldoon (Richard Fitzpatrick), two Irish rivals whose families have settled on Plum Island, off the coast of Maine. O'Flynn wants to eliminate the zombies, while Muldoon wants to save them. O'Flynn is forced into exile and makes a living on the mainland as a modern pirate. He accepts payment for the use of boats, then sends people to Plum Island to bug Muldoon, who hates strangers.

After rescuing a wise-ass kid from abusive zombie hunters, Crockett's unit discovers O'Flynn's online "advertisement" for escaping the mainland. Arriving, they engage in a gunfight with O'Flynn before one of Crockett's men, Francisco (Stefano Colacitti), jump starts a ferry. They are able to escape with O'Flynn barely making it aboard after all his men are attacked by zombies, and he forms a truce with the military deserters. Francisco is feeling a bit queasy, though, after biting the finger off a zombie that tried to drag him under while swimming to the boat.

Things just under the water. Cue the chills. Remember, that kind of thing skeeves me out.


When they reach the island, they find that the Muldoons have been trying to rehabilitate the zombies. They also have been killing the innocents that O'Flynn sent to "bug" his rival, but he never guessed they'd go that far. A couple Muldoons attack, resulting in Kenny (Eric Woolf) being killed (then shot by Crockett to prevent re-animation). They also meet O'Flynn's horse-loving but living dead daughter, Jane, who stayed behind when her father was exiled. Angered, O'Flynn stalks off to find allies while the unit heads to a nearby meeting hall.

Francisco wanders off to kill himself when he accepts what has happened to him, but Tomboy (Athena Karkasis) follows and tearfully does the job for him so that his "soul wouldn't be damned." Then, she's taken prisoner by the Muldoons.

When Crockett passes out from his wound, the kid heads to try to find water, but runs into someone familiar, yet new. Turns out zombie Jane has a twin sister, Janet, who has arrived to help. She has no love lost for her father, but changes her mind when he admits she was truly his favorite.


When O'Flynn and Crockett, along with their allies, head for the Muldoon ranch, they are forced to lay down their weapons and observe what the elder Muldoon has been trying to achieve: conditioning the undead to eat something other than living people. It has been unsuccessful, but now he has Jane in a pen with her horse and the other living dead out of their pens to watch.


Janet arrives with the discarded guns and evens the odds. There's a battle, and the zombies run loose to do what they do so well: tear and eat. Janet tries to connect with her zombie twin sister, only to be bitten on the hand. O'Flynn and Muldoon face off, and Muldoon just wants O'Flynn to admit he's wrong. Not wanting any more bloodshed, O'Flynn agrees and asks for a moment with Janet. Muldoon coldly shoots O'Flynn in the back, but is gunned down by O'Flynn's hidden sleeve gun. The others begin their escape as Janet watches her sister suddenly take a bite out of the horse.


She runs to tell the others, but is shot by her own father, who is on his last legs. Any last hope of holding the key to conditioning the dead goes to the grassy grave with Janet. O'Flynn shuffles off while Crockett, Tomboy, and the kid return to the ferry, passing up the chance to live on Plum Island, not wanting to become warring tribes like the O'Flynns and the Muldoons.

Zombies devour the horse (the only time I cried "noooo!" in the whole movie) and, against the backdrop of a full moon (looking oddly like the poster for Dawn of the Dead), the undead O'Flynn and Muldoon aim empty guns at each other, their hate never dying.

Like I said, I was okay with this movie. Some of the zombie kills are played for laughs, and some of the acting is dubious, something that occurs in Romero's films. The deus ex machina of the twin sister was a little "okay, really?" and I found people sneaking up on other people with surprising stealth that didn't seem plausible. Really, Tomboy couldn't hear those Muldoon goons coming? And the accents. My, my. Francisco's dialect seemed forced, and O'Flynn reminded me of Malcolm McDowell imitating a pirate. Oddly enough, I still liked the character.

I did like the "message," that the rivalry among humans will continue even at the worst of times when unity and teamwork are needed most. I know...I just know...that if something like the zombie apocalypse were to happen (and, oh...it will), humankind will still find ways to blame each other. Political parties will say the other caused it and won't sign on to a good solution the other might have to rectify it. Religious groups will blame each other and "non-believers" as the cause of the dead rising from their graves. Neighbor will blame neighbor. Nation will blame nation. A never-ending cycle. The only winners: the zombies. They don't care who you voted for or what church you go to. They're just going to eat you.

Ah, well, I've waxed philosophical enough for now. To sum up, I did like Survival of the Dead. I know that opinion will be at odds with others' opinions, but that's fun of it all. It's not a bad way to pass a little time, enjoy a little Romero while you're relaxing at home on a lazy afternoon.

Just steer clear of Plum Island. They don't seem to like strangers.

Triangle (2009) Somebody Divided By Zero

Every so often, a movie comes along and it...does something to your head. As a huge fan of LOST, I love a good puzzle on my screen. Something that makes me imagine or makes me ponder the odd circumstances in which the characters find themselves. Triangle, written and directed by Christopher Smith, is a movie in which someone, somewhere divided by zero, sending everyone - viewer included - tumbling into a pit like that kid falling into the hat dimension in the kid's show Lidsville.


Normally, when I share my thoughts on a film, I give a mostly-spoiler-free synopsis of what happens. Triangle is one of those films that to give a synopsis is to spoil the entire thing. I honestly can't get into the entire thing without spoiling everything. I can tell you what happens to a point, but I can't elaborate much after that. It really that wonderful sort of film that requires you to pay attention from start to finish...and beyond.


Here's what I can tell you: quiet, somewhat nervous beauty Jess (Melissa George) joins her good friend (and nice guy who's attracted to her) Greg (Michael Dorman) on his boat, along with Greg's young first mate Victor (Liam Hemsworth), yuppie couple Downey and Sally (Henry Nixon and Rachel Capriani), and their friend Heather (Emma Lung). Greg's worried about Jess, who has left her autistic son Tommy (Joshua McIvor) at his school. Downey and Sally don't care for Jess and have brought Heather along to fix her up with Greg. Setting sail, it isn't long before they encounter strange radio broadcasts and a violent freak storm which capsizes their boat.


It isn't a spoiler to mention that Heather is lost during the storm, and the survivors manage to make their way on board an oddly-quiet luxury liner happening their way. Once they board, they begin to explore.

This is when it gets weird.


The rest of the movie - and even parts up to and including the basics I just mentioned - is a trip that will surely make you rewind, rewatch, and end up insanely scrawling mad equations on the wall of your padded cell. Things happen. You want there to be a solution, but like the myth of Sisyphus, who was doomed to roll a rock uphill repeatedly for all eternity (and who's mentioned in the movie), it's not going to come easily.

As for the movie itself, it's tightly written and well-directed with a standout performance by Melissa George. This really is her movie, and she's up to the challenge. The movie looks good and director Smith makes the most of mounting tension and stunning reveals throughout. There will be inevitable comparisons to Timecrimes, but I personally found Triangle to be the superior movie - and was allegedly conceived well before Timecrimes.

Really, check this one out. Give yourself a good movie-watching atmosphere and follow the bouncing ball, because it'll have you bouncing off the walls. Then think about what you just saw and try to figure it out. That's the fun.

Oh, yeah, and that kid from Lidsville? He divided by zero. Check it out:



You don't want that to happen to you, do you? Trapped in a dimension of giant talking hats, being pursued by an evil Charles Nelson Reilly?

Until next time, friends, practice safe math. Seriously.

[REC] 2 (2009) Yep, Afraid Of The Dark Again

It's no secret I'm a gigantic fan of the masterful Spanish horror film [REC]. Go back and read my review of it to see just how lovingly I spoke of it. When I heard a sequel was in the works, I had one of those rare reactions to news of a continuing story: joy. It wasn't going to be just a sequel with different characters, same story as the first, but with a bigger budget and more "Hollywood-like" promotion. It had some of those traits, but it was more than those. It did have different characters, but in a logical way. The story is only the same because it's a continuation of the first movie. In fact, it starts about 15 minutes after [REC] finishes. It dives in and doesn't look back for one instant. Well...maybe one instant, but that's towards the end of the movie, and I'm not spoiling it here because it's a chiller.




I'll tell you now: this review won't be like most others. There won't be a detailed blow-by-blow here. The entire movie is pretty straightforward and full of spoilers that you really need to see for yourself. So let me give you some of the basics and we'll go from there...

Not long after the first movie ends, a special operations group prepares to enter the quarantined apartment building along with a member of the Ministry of Health in order to get some control of the situation. There's some nostalgia for the viewer upon entering that old building. There's that enormous bloodstain in the lobby along with empty handcuffs attached to the stairs. It's about then you remember something that the new characters don't know: not all of the infected died and you know they're just running around somewhere in this building. Revisiting (well, for us anyway) the penthouse, there's a little reminder of what the characters are dealing with through the pictures, the Evil Dead-like tape recording, and the murky atmosphere.

After some eerie music starts playing in an apartment, one of the special ops team runs afoul of some infected and quickly becomes one himself.

They lock him in a room and the dude from the Ministry of Health drives a knife into the door, then hangs a rosary from it. This actually stops the infected. Yeah, and that guy from the Ministry of Health? Owen is his name, and he's from a ministry, all right, but it's not the one of health. He's an agent of the Vatican with a license to exorcise, and he's kicking ass and taking rosary beads. The other officers aren't too happy about being deceived, and they're even more perturbed when they discover the real reason they entered this death trap: Owen needs to obtain the blood of the first possession victim, Niña Medeiros, kept somewhere in the darkened, ruined apartment that was home to a previous Vatican agent who experimented on Medeiros. Oh, and for a glimpse at the Medeiros girl, watch the ending of [REC]. Yeah, that's her. Shiver at your convenience now.

There are several attacks on Owen and the officers, and some by very recognizable faces from the first movie:



Around the confusion of one attack, a seemingly uninfected man is killed and thrown over the guardrail. The agents catch a glimpse of another party of uninfected people before another wave of attacks occur, splitting them up - which is never a good thing, face it. A frantic and revealing skirmish with the little girl from the first movie that ultimately ends the point of view from the agents' lone camera.

The film goes back a bit and starts down a different path as we meet three young pranksters who are high on adventure and daring-do. They think descending into the sewers and coming up into the quarantined building will be a hoot. Not exactly. They meet one of the firemen from the first movie who didn't go inside, and the father of the infected little girl, who are desperately trying to reach their friends and family inside. They find themselves locked - rather, welded - inside the apartment building. From there, it's a parallel story to that of the special operations team until they all meet up in an apartment. That pivotal scene leads to the final, white knuckle, screaming descent of the roller coaster as the ultimate push to either finish the mission (according to Owen) or simply survive begins.

I honestly can't get into the rest of the movie here. I could, and I could spoil everything for you, but I don't want to do that. I want you to go into this movie with the same blank slate I did, knowing what might happen, but feeling that thrill along the way as you discover what actually does happen. The ending is chilling not so much for what you see, but for what you could see if the film hadn't ended. And that's all I'll tell you. Even the lead-up to the ending includes clues and tip-offs that are better left uncovered by you as you watch.

[REC]2 is a brilliant sequel in my eyes not only because it's wild, intense ride, but because it's a logical progression from the first film. You see characters from the first one - logically - because they've been infected and weren't "killed" in the first movie. Scroll back and see that picture with the bald fireman to see what I mean. If you'd seen the first movie, you know who that is.

When you have entries in the "found footage" or "cinema verite" genre, there are inevitable comparisons to The Blair Witch Project, simply because that was the film that made the mainstream audience aware of the style. Makes some sense, but the films are worlds apart. There was one film that the [REC] series compares favorably to, and that's Demoni (Demons) from 1985, and a film that I gushed about in another review. I'm not the only one who saw that similarity, as my friend Jim from Movie Brain Rot mentioned it to me as well in a discussion. A dark setting and rapid infection from a nefarious source, nasty fluids and frantic escape plans - it's a nod and a wink, however intentional, to Lamberto Bava's Demoni.

Without spoiling anything for you, allow me to list a few indelible images and scenes that make [REC]2 so much of a trip

* Revisiting old settings: the lobby, the penthouse, the bloody landing, the fabric store. You definitely should see the first one again to fully appreciate it all.

* The building itself, a character in its own right. It's like a labyrinth, and seems larger on the inside than it does outside. The apartments seem to go on forever, especially in the dark.

* Ah, the dark. The darkness itself is not only a brilliant mood-setter, but much more important of an element than you think. Trust me, you'll see.

* The rocket. I'm sorry, but one scene involving some fireworks made me laugh out loud.

* The continuity. You'll find yourself saying, "ah, so that's where that came from." Not only that, but the camera manages to catch important establishing shots that allow you, the viewer, to figure certain things out. A film that makes you use your brain? *gasp*

* The "interference" that crops up here and there on the film. Watch when it occurs, and it only adds to the chilling air of what's happening.

* There's a scene involving a small pool of water that will give you shivers when you wrap your mind around what happens. See my reference to the "darkness" above.

* The ending. Yeah.

It's safe to say that I love this movie, and that's not just because I watched a pair of stinkers before it. [REC]2 has everything I love in a horror movie: thrills and chills, an enthusiastic air about it, clever use of atmosphere and setting, moments that let you figure out the details, a feeling that you can't control what's happening thanks to a better use of first person than most "found footage" films. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but from what I've seen, the tea table I'm sitting at is crowded.

Now, who wants biscuits?

Until next time, fellow survivors, the rules remain the same: don't get bitten. Now enjoy the trailer for this fine film, [REC]2:

Perkins' 14 (2009) Is It Wrong To Cheer For The Bad Guy?

Sometimes you just get a movie that...I don't know...doesn't click. You think it should. It's got the potential. It's got several of the pieces required for it to click, but it just doesn't. Perkins' 14 was one of those films for me.

Knowing me and my love for infection horror and apocalyptic survival fiction, you'd think this movie would fall right into my embrace. It's sort of about infection and there's sort of an apocalyptic atmosphere about it. But I wasn't left with warm fuzzies.

It has a unique genesis as being a film whose parts - script and cast - were put up for public approval far before shooting began. Making a film that asks for the input of the horror movie isn't exactly a bad idea, but it runs the risk of becoming said bad idea. Still, the plot synopsis was enough for me to give it a go. While I don't regret it, it's possible I may just forget it.



So you've got this guy, Perkins (Richard Brake). Turns out he kidnapped 14 kids from the Stone Cove area some years ago, and all of these children are presumed dead. Our protagonist, Deputy Dwayne Hopper (Patrick O'Kane), is the father of one of those kidnapped children, something that still haunts him to the present day. Haunts him so much, it makes him intense. I mean, really intense. He takes a shift at the station house while his emo daughter Daisy (Shayla Beesley) plans to head to a party and his pseudo-emo wife Janine (Mihaela Mihut) prepares for her book club. Another normal night at the Hoppers.

"Don't mock me, ceiling."

While at the station, Deputy Hopper starts having suspicions about the pharmacist arrested earlier in the evening, this being Perkins, of course. Through some slick detective work and intense interrogation, Hopper concludes that Perkins is indeed the man who took his son. Perkins doesn't help his own case by being the Chesire Cat of horror films and taunting Hopper just a little. Hopper convinces one of his buddies to check out Perkins' home, and Perkins' facade drops. He warns Hopper, but the deputy just won't listen. Hopper's pal inadvertently opens the cages in Perkins' basement, where he's kept the kids for the last several years.

Now worried about his fellow deputy, Hopper frees Perkins and they head for the house. There, Hopper finds his friend, dead and bloody. Also in the basement, all the evidence needed on Perkins, including the possibility that his own son, Kyle, may still be alive. Perkins not only admits to the kidnapping, but explains his motive. When he was a child, his parents were brutally murdered. The police never solved the crime, and Perkins took it as they just didn't care. When Hopper and the other families called off the searches for their own children, Perkins called that his revenge, that he wanted them to feel what it was like to abandon all hope. He's brainwashed and drugged the children, and now they're loose. His taunting gets to be too much for Hopper, and he shoots Perkins in the head, thereby killing the best character in the movie.

I really wanted Perkins to stay around. Is that wrong?

In town, the 14 kids Perkins kidnapped - yes, Perkins' 14 - are on the attack. They're slaughtering townsfolk left and right. One shows up where Daisy and her friends are partying, killing all but Daisy and her rocker boyfriend, Eric (Michale Graves, formerly of The Misfits). Poppa Hopper shows up just in time, but they find the boy who attacked them quite unkillable. Off they go to find Mrs. Hopper. Only she's not in a book club, according to Daisy. She's at some no-tell motel with an illicit lover.

At the motel, Janine and said lover are attacked by a wild young girl, who literally - and quite impressively - beats the lover's face into ground chuck. Janine locks herself in a bathroom until she's rescued by the rest of the Hopper family and Eric. They take refuge in the police station, where the final siege takes place. Another of Deputy Hopper's co-workers bites it, proving that Dwayne Hopper is a life-size bad luck charm to other law enforcement officers in this movie. The one remaining prisoner in the cells, a hippie protester with a bad attitude named Felicity, also shuffles off this mortal coil after a bad run-in with an air duct.

"Why do you hate my hands?"

The Hoppers formulate a plan to leave, but not only does Janine volunteer to crawl through the air ducts to the evidence room to snag a set of keys to Perkins' car, but Dwayne wants to try to get through to Kyle. The years of conditioning and constant injections of PCP are putting that latter plan into a precarious area. Janine gets the keys, but also a faceful of hopped-up psycho kids. Dwayne locks Daisy in a cell, arms her with a shotgun, and sets off to rehabilitate Kyle.

I dare you to kiss her.

Dwayne finds Kyle and they hesitantly embrace. Kyle lovingly snaps his fathers' neck before taking the cell keys and saying a big shotgun-y hello his sweet sister.

Aaaaand, scene...

All the pieces were there for me to love this movie. Sadly, it didn't click. I'm sure Patrick O'Kane is a fine actor, but he was so intense that I had a hard time buying that he was a loving father in those flashbacks with a younger Kyle. It was as if he had two speeds: intense and about to snap any minute. The other actors weren't bad, but none of them had the presence of Richard Brake, our man Perkins. Brake's been around, too. He's been on TV shows like NCIS and Cold Case. He was in Outpost (on my Netflix list) as well as Doom and Batman Begins, where he plays the very pivotal character of Joe Chill. Hell, he's even in Muse's video for "Knights of Cydonia," which makes my personal zombie movie soundtrack list (cheap blog plug).



In Perkins' 14, he delivers his lines with relish and perfect timing. When he gets half his cerebrum blown out, I thought, "well, there goes the movie." Not entirely, but I half-hoped he'd show up later on.

Like I said, this movie didn't click for me. It might for others, I don't know. I almost would've liked to see a hint that Perkins had stumbled onto creating the first strain of zombie virus, but other than the rampant cannibalism by the 14 kids, there wasn't any indication of it spreading through infection. This movie did have a real "indie spirit," but that's not always enough to carry it in my eyes. Valiant effort, but in my opinion, it simply fell short.

So, fellow survivors, make sure your kids are within your sight at all times. Who knows if we have a nutball Perkins in our midst?

Until next time, stay safe and un-undead.