Dead Alive (aka Braindead) (1992) Early Peter Jackson Insanity

A Sumatran rat-monkey.  A domineering mother-monster.  A kung-fu priest.  A delinquent's entrails that have a life of their own.  A cheery demon baby.  A lawnmower shield.

All this and lots more is what you'll find in one of Peter Jackson's early films, the energetic cult classic known as Dead Alive here on our side of the world, and Braindead everywhere else.  You may know Jackson as the high-powered director behind the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies of recent years.  He's won Academy Awards, produced several huge hits, and is generally one of the most well-known directors in the modern era.  But before all that, Jackson cut his teeth on wacky, blood-splattered craziness like this movie, or his first feature film, Bad Taste.  This was the first Peter Jackson movie I ever saw, and it remains near and dear to my heart.

Taking place in Jackson's native New Zealand during the 50's, the story follows sad-sack mama's boy Lionel (Timothy Balme) as he balances falling for a local gypsy girl, Paquita (Diana Peñalver), and following his mean mom's wishes and commands.  When mommy dearest is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey and dies, things get a little bit crazy.  Old Vera reanimates as a blood-crazed zombie, turning a gang of ne'er-do-wells and her own nurse into ghouls like her.  Even the local priest, who put the beatdown on the zombie gang while delivering one of the best lines of dialogue ever ("I kick ass for the LORD!"), is eventually turned as well.  Poor Lionel has to keep the monsters hidden in his basement and deal with his lecherous Uncle Les, who wants the house for himself.  Before long, Les throws a rockin' party and Lionel tries to sever ties with his mother by using what he thinks is poison to kill her once and for all.  Unfortunately, the poison turns out to be what equates to super-steroids for animals and the zombie outbreak is seriously on.  The party degenerates into one of THE most gory, insane, and manic sequences in the history of film.  Seriously, Dead Alive is still considered one of the goriest movies ever made.

Still, the gore is played for laughs, and after a while, it becomes less "gore" and more "slapstick."  All those weird things I mentioned in the beginning are there.  What happens when two infected zombies have "relations"?  A demon baby that Lionel actually takes for a day out in a way to return to normalcy. 

Balme's Lionel is a hero who grows through the movie, and it's not hard to cheer for the guy.  Paquita gives him enough confidence to cut the umbilical cord...among a few other things.  The movie is absolutely in-your-face, wild, and energetic with kinetic camera angles, quick editing, and a narrative that never slows down.

Dead Alive is a favorite among horror fans, always thought of with a smile or a chuckle.  It's definitely horror, but the comedy shines through alongside its darker genre cousin seamlessly.  If you have a weak stomach, yeah, you might have a little trouble with things like Lionel's lawnmower shield among many other things.  But the movie's hilarious and drive-in-style fun, as well as being a bit of a history lesson about one of the world's top directors.

Until next time, don't visit the Sumatran rat-monkey at your local zoo...

Hell of the Living Dead (1980) A Nostalgic Mess

Hell of the Living Dead.

Night of The Zombies.

Virus.

Zombie Inferno.

Zombi 4.

These are just some of the titles this wild mess has gone under, like a sneaky con-man sliding from alias to alias.  I can almost envision this movie sitting in a dark corner, cackling over its latest grift, looking all disheveled and wild-eyed.  It not only lifted things like incidental music - which I'll get to later - and documentary footage, but it may also steal your soul.

And yet there's an odd, nostalgic feeling to this strange movie.  As funny-awful as this movie is, there is a sense of carefree abandon about the experience.  At the time, it was certainly the goriest picture I had ever seen in my then-sixteen years.  My summers in the 80's were usually pretty fun and free-wheeling, what with no Internet and massive video games to keep me inside all the time.  Time spent indoors was either with reading, watching baseball, or watching movies I rented or borrowed.  I can remember friends of mine lending Hell of the Living Dead to me in 1984, recorded on VHS off of a movie channel which I couldn't get living in the woods.  I recall thinking to myself that I was ever quizzed on what the plot was, I'd be stumped.  But one could get extra credit in the "gratuitous cheesy gore" section of the test.

Ah, enough metaphors.

You want to know a clue that this movie is up to something?  It's co-written and co-directed by Claudio Fragasso.  You may remember him from my reviews of Troll 2 and Best Worst Movie as the director and co-writer of that vegetarian goblin cult classic.  When you see Troll 2 and you listen to his rants in Best Worst Movie, then things fall into place about Hell of the Living Dead.  It all makes sense.  Well, sort of.

Rrrrgh - I want my ICE CREAM!

Hell of the Living Dead seemed doomed from the start.  Like now, zombies were a hot commodity back in the 70's, with George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead (released as Zombi in Italy under Dario Argento) and Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2 splattering screens in the latter part of that decade.  Italy became a breeding ground for quick, inexpensive zombie flicks, and Hell of the Living Dead was barely given a budget.  Not to mention, much of the footage shot by director Bruno Mattei (credited as Vincent Dawn) was apparently not up to snuff, so they pieced together a mish-mash of already-shot footage and clips from a documentary about native rituals.  Then there's the issue with the music.  When you pop in Hell of the Living Dead, you may see that the soundtrack is by none other than Goblin, the same group that provided the now-legendary score to the original Dawn of the Dead.  After a few minutes, you'll soon realize that not only is Goblin doing the music...it's the exact same soundtrack as Dawn of the Dead.  They didn't even bother to get new music.  Hell, Goblin apparently didn't even allow it, but hey, what's a little legal trouble to a juggernaut like this movie?

Despite what I said before, there is a plot.  An accident at a chemical plant in New Guinea lets loose a contagion that causes living things to become sadistic, flesh-eating automatons.  It also causes their faces to take on a weird shade, but that's neither here nor there.  After foiling a terrorist takeover of an embassy, a crack military unit is sent to New Guinea to find out why communications with the chemical plant have been lost.  The unit is comprised of stock characters:  the hunky hero guy, the almost-hunky guy, the crazy guy, and the goofy guy.  They meet up in a seemingly-abandoned settlement with some people trying to escape the land:  the half-tough/half-screamy woman reporter, her half-brave/half-nauseous cameraman, and a family of three with a sick child.  The settlement is a wash, as the family is slaughtered by an infected priest and their now-bitey child.  The other six take off further into the jungle, offering the reporter an excuse to suddenly remove her shirt and claim she can communicate with the indigenous people.  The dead rise at the village, so the crew must bug out again, finally stopping at a plantation in the middle of nowhere.

Why, oh, why did I wander near a window?

The plantation offers very little in the way of answers, but a whole lot in the way of infected, gore-hungry former residents.  The team's Goofy Guy is killed - wearing a dress, no less - and the team fights their way out, finally heading for the chemical plant.  Once there, they discover that the chemical was meant to be used as Third World population control, but it got out of hand.  Cameraman, Almost-Hunky Guy, and Crazy Guy are all killed before Reporter Girl and Hunky Guy meet their grisly fate in the bowels of the plant.  The epilogue shows a young couple on the toothy end of some zombies in a metropolitan city.  Dun-dun-DUUUN!

Wow, what a journey.

The expression that says, "Dude, I told you."

Let's see:  the acting is fairly average to over-the-top, thanks to the Crazy Guy.  The dubbing is tremendously awful, and the movie is such a scattershot affair that your brain will stop trying to figure it out after about ten minutes.  Possibly sooner than that.  There are plenty of chuckles and winces whenever you see the gore, and there is a lot of it.  Lacking the gritty realism of Tom Savini's special effects work, it appears as though they effects team had a ton of raw meat and, by the power of Greyskull, they were going to use it.  The ending gore is so blatantly insane, it's laughable yet memorable.  Tongue!  Eyes!  Everything!

I also love the lack of basic reasoning that takes place in the film.  Once the team figures out that to stop the creatures, they must be shot in the head, they continue to waste ammo by spraying them in every area below the head.  "They just won't stop!"

Hell of the Living Dead is just not a good movie.  And yet, somehow I've seen it four or five times.  It's like I forget how painful it is, rent it, and say to myself, "oh, yeah, now I remember."  A cult film?  One could argue that it is.  There are plenty of people who do like it.  I'm nostalgic about how I first saw it - that lazy, sunny summer day back in '84 - but beyond that, I don't think I could ever own it, ever see it being the beloved center of attention like Troll 2.

If you don't mind a meandering film with plot holes the size of Florida sinkholes that's worthy of a Mystery Science Theater 3000 or RiffTrax treatment, this is your film.  Don't take it seriously, and you may be able to have some fun with it.  It will never go down as a serious classic of the genre, yet it somehow gets noticed.  In a roundabout way, it did that one thing - getting noticed - right.

Until next time, dear readers, beware of chemical leaks. They might cause bad movies.

Zombieland (2009) Lively, Drooling, Angry-Eyed Fun

Why have I taken this long to review one of my favorite horror-comedies?  Why ask why?

2009's stellar Zombieland, written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and directed by Ruben Fleischer, is a slam-bang, energetic romp (always wanted to use that word in a review) through a world devastated by zombies of the "caught a nasty virus and really got messed up with a taste for human flesh" variety.  There's been a long-standing debate as to whether or not this is truly a horror film.  Many maintain it's a comedy instead of horror.  I tend to believe that it is indeed a comedy with horror elements; therefore, I'm comfortable with the genre label of "horror-comedy."

The world has ended and all neurotic Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) wants to do is head home to his family.  A nervous but careful young man, Columbus (not his real name, but where he's from) has survived the zombie apocalypse through his meticulous rules, which include shooting a zombie twice to ensure it's dead (Rule #2), not being a hero (Rule #17), and the all-important keeping up of the cardio (Rule #1). 

Yeah, Rule #3 is pretty important, I'd say.

On his way out of town, he meets tough-guy Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), an expert in zombie-killing who is searching for the last stash of Twinkies, as they represent a simpler, happier time in his life.  The two complete opposites soon run afoul of two grifting sisters, Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), who steal their guns and their ride.  Soon the tables are turned, and despite their differences, the four team up at least to get where they're going:  Pacific Playland, which is supposed to be devoid of zombies.

They stop for an overnight in Los Angeles and stay at Bill Murray's mansion, which leads to some hilarity, in-jokes, and one big misunderstanding.  Tallahassee lets his guard down and we discover just why he hates zombies so much, a truly heartbreaking reveal.  Columbus and Wichita grow a little closer, leading the nervous young man to think he's finally found the family he always wanted with these strangers.  But Wichita and Little Rock bug out, trying to convince themselves they don't need anyone else, and head for Pacific Playland.  Columbus refuses to let them go and gets Tallahassee to join him in tracking the girls down.

At the amusement park, the sisters' night of fun is rudely interrupted by hordes of zombies attracted by the bright lights and now, fresh meat.  They find refuge on the drop tower ride but their time is running short.  Columbus and Tallahassee ride to the rescue, with Columbus overcoming his paralyzing fear of clowns - yes, that means clown zombie - and Tallahassee making a last stand inside a concession booth.  Somehow, through sheer bravery and quite a bit of luck, the four manage to survive.  And yes, Columbus finds the family he so longed for.

Zombieland is just pure fun from beginning to end.  It pops on the screen with four likable characters fueled by excellent performances by Eisenberg, Harrelson, Stone, and Breslin.  So many memorable lines, so many memorable scenes, as well as the funniest cameo put on film in ages.  It's not a long movie, clocking in at around 88 minutes, but it moves along very quickly, never pausing too long on overly serious scenes yet still bringing about depth in each character.  If you're squeamish, the opening scene will be enough to let you know you may be averting your eyes a few times during the movie, but really, it's entirely worth watching.  If the planned sequel is anywhere near as much fun, I'll be happy.

So Zombieland is definitely a comedy with roots in horror, and it not only walks the fine line between the two genres, it puts on a lampshade and boogies down on each side of the line.  So much fun, and definitely belongs in my high pantheon of horror-comedies along with Shaun of the Dead, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, and Evil Dead II:  Dead by Dawn.

Now "nut up or shut up" and see it!

Dead Set (2008) Reality Shows Need More Zombies

I must admit:  I'm not that big of a fan of most reality shows.  They used to be interesting, like The Real World when it first started out.  Occasionally, there are still some that might catch my eye.  I'm sure through law of averages that at least a few will slip through that really aren't that bad - hell, there are a million of these shows anyway.  In the glut of these things, there are bound to be some OK to decent ones.  But for me, they're mostly not my cup of tea.  Pretty soon, the most mundane events will have drama-soaked reality shows:  "next week, on Watching Paint Dry."  And don't get me started on the "famous for being famous" shows. 

You know what these programs really need?

Zombies.

Lots and lots of zombies.

Thank you, my dear United Kingdom, for granting my wish.  In 2008, Britain's E4 channel aired a five-episode miniseries called Dead Set, and despite the glut of zombie media these days (yes, the irony of my own statements is not lost on me), it offered a hyperkinetic, no-holds-barred take on the living dead genre.  These are zombies of the "spry" variety, sporting characteristics such as colorless eyes and low, dog-like growls.  We can debate the pros and cons of fast and slow zombies all day long, but for me, it's a moot point.  The story is what I want to click, to strike chords with me.  Dead Set definitely struck a chord.

Why the reality show reference?  The whole setting for Dead Set is the Big Brother UK house (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) on a night when one of the contestants is being evicted.  There are blatant nods to the nature of modern reality shows and how rabid the fans are.  You know it's coming:  Big Brother fans in the live audience + a fast-acting zombie plague = wacky fun.

It's eviction night on Big Brother UK, and airheaded Pippa (Kathleen McDermott) is about to take the elimination walk outside with the massive cheering crowds and an interview with host Davina (Davina McCall as herself).  The show itself is in danger of being bumped for news of riots breaking out all over England, riots that include people attacking one another.  Producer Patrick (Andy Nyman), a vain, mean-spirited fellow, cares only about stirring things up in the house and resulting ratings.  Production runner Kelly (Jaime Winstone) juggles her job, her real boyfriend Riq (Riz Ahmed), and flirtations from a co-worker.  In the house itself are a wide variety of personalities:  sassy Angel (Chizzy Akudolu), ladies' man Marky (Warren Brown), sexpot Veronica (Beth Cordingly), lonely older man Joplin (Kevin Eldon), peacemaker Space (Adam Deacon), and wildly flamboyant Grayson (Raj Ghatak).

They have no clue what's about to happen when the show employees who drive Pippa's mother to the festivities come across a bloody accident scene.  When they finally arrive at the show in what I thought was a wonderfully-filmed scene, all hell breaks loose in one of the best "zombies overrunning a location" scenes I've viewed in a while.  After that initial "ka-pow!" the survivors try to assess the situation, but humans being humans, that isn't as easy or as comforting as it sounds.

Patrick and Pippa are trapped together in the green room, and that often-discussed point about bathroom privileges when stranded during a zombie apocalypse are addressed.  While Patrick is often played for dark laughs, he's truly a vile individual.  Riq and another survivor on the outside, Alex (Liz May Brice), discover that the feed of Big Brother is still being broadcast.  Riq sees Kelly and sets out on a quest to save her.  In the house, the contestants don't even know what's happened until Kelly arrives.  Angel's bitten and quarantined to the greenhouse with her best friend Grayson, a male nurse, tending to her.  Joplin has eyes for Veronica, despite being much older and nicknamed "Gollum" for his appearance.  Veronica usually sleeps with Marky, but all bets are off now.

Much like an episode of Big Brother, alliances form and trust breaks down.  All the while, outside the house and the gates, the living dead gather.  One brilliant scene catches them hurrying down a sloped street to gather at the gates, much like they did when alive.  Things really come to a head when the disagreements between Kelly and Patrick take a turn for the tragic and everything just crumbles down around everyone.  As usual, I won't spoil certain moments, including the ending, but let's just say it doesn't end well for a lot of people.  For you symbolism fans, the last shot of the entire series is of an average zombie standing in front of a store TV, staring blankly at what happens on the screen.

Dead Set was good, bleak fun.  If you're looking for laughs or an inspired ending with characters looking off hopefully into the sunset, you've come to the wrong place.  Everything and everyone is fraying at the edges, dark and desperate.  The acting is tremendous with spots of urgency and frustration and a very loose grip on reality.  For me, the two standouts were Andy Nyman as Patrick and Jaime Winstone as Kelly.  Not to diminish the others, but those two really stood out as intense characters with whom you could relate.  Yeah, Patrick was a sociopathic boor, but everything he did fit in his character.  He wanted out, and he didn't care who he had to roll over to get there.  Kelly struggled with an old boyfriend, a new crush, a jealous manager, a jerk of a boss, as well as several frustrating wannabe celebrities all swirling around in a fast-paced zombie apocalypse.  And she ended up becoming a leader on top of all that.

There were some sweet nods to past zombie classics with the phrase "They're coming to get you, Barbara" uttered at one point, and paraphrasing of the great line in Dawn of the Dead about "this place being important to them."  One character even dies much in the same way Rhodes does in Day of the Dead, yelling defiantly at the creatures eating him.  Not to mention, there were some standout scenes that really hit home:  the car full of freshly-turned zombies arriving at the house, the frantic overrunning of the studio, the horde of zombies converging on the fence, and the dark ending where you just say, "Aw, no."

Dead Set might not be easy to find in the United States.  IFC showed the episodes around Halloween, and I caught them on IFC's on-demand channel, where they were available for a very short time.  Amazon has each episode on pay-per-view here.  It's worth the close to $10 you'd have to pay for the whole series ($1.99 per episode).

In the meantime, take a look at the trailer and see if it strikes your fancy.

Shaun Of The Dead (2004) A Slice Of Fried Gold

It's about time I reviewed this.

Seriously.

Shaun of the Dead, the British romantic zombie comedy (or "rom-zom-com"), easily ranks in my top ten of not just horror movies but my top ten in comedies and my all-time top ten.  It is the measuring stick to which I hold any horror-related comedy, the gold standard for "yucks and yuks."  I have no idea why I haven't gotten around to discussing it here but now's the time, and this is the month.  More reviews like this are comings, my "Why Haven't I Reviewed This Earlier?" series, you could say.

Right.  Now, as anyone who reads my blog knows, I like films with energy.  Something that tells me some real effort, some real passion was infused into the making of the film.  Even if the film isn't all that great, I can appreciate the amount of energy it exudes.  Well, this movie has energy in bundles.  Directed by Edgar Wright (who recently brought us Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, and shares writing credits here with star Simon Pegg), the film dashes and leaps, sizzles and pops, shakes you up and buys you a pint before dancing on your table.

Shaun (Pegg) is having a rough day.  His girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield) has had enough of his lack of ambition, and breaks up with him at the urging of her two friends Diane (Lucy Davis) and David (Dylan Moran).  He is at odds with his stepfather Philip (Bill Nighy) which makes visits with his beloved mother Barbara (Penelope Wilton) quite uncomfortable.  The presence of his drug-dealing, ne'er-do-well best friend Ed (Nick Frost) angers his roommate Pete (Peter Serafinowicz).  One morning, the end of the world arrives as the recently dead begin rising and dining on the living.  Once they realize what's happened, which takes a while after being severely hung over, Shaun and Ed devise a plan to rescue Barbara and Liz, then hole up until the crisis passes at their beloved pub, The Winchester.  Things obviously don't go to plan.  Philip, already bitten, dies and revives, causing them to ditch the car and go on foot to the surrounded Winchester.  Keep an eye out for when Shaun and his group run into his old friend Yvonne (Jessica Stevenson, the co-creator of Spaced with Wright and Pegg) and her group.  Once at The Winchester, the group falls apart.  Barbara is bitten, Liz and Shaun try to work things out, and David is vocal about his doubt, mostly because he carries a torch for Liz.  However, we witness the confidence Shaun grows when placed in the role of leader.  He rises to the occasion, even when things get bad during the climax of the movie.  Still, without spoiling it for the few who haven't seen it, I will just say the movie ends on a chipper high note with a fitting end theme song.

Shaun of the Dead, to me, is - to quote Pegg's Shaun - a slice of fried gold.  Impeccably paced, with scores of references to classic zombie films peppered throughout, it never stops moving.  Musical cues, nods to zombie film actors (Shaun works for Foree Electric, named after Dawn of the Dead's Ken Foree) lines of dialogue ("We're coming to get you, Barbara!"), and the slow-walking zombies themselves are all part of the love letter to the classics of our culture, especially the films of George A. Romero.  There are so many references, so many of those nods, I can only direct you to IMDB's trivia page for the movie.  The acting is top-notch, with the obvious chemistry between Pegg and Frost as best friends in the movie, as they are in real life.  They even reprise a line from their Spaced series that sums up their relationship with the "thanks, babe" exchange.  The first in the "Cornetto Trilogy" (spot the Cornetto ice cream product), Shaun of the Dead serves as the first motion picture to build on the Spaced legacy.  They are absolutely linked which is one of the reasons I'm mentioning the sitcom so much.  That, and I just love it to bits.

Some time ago, I wrote a review of an episode of my favorite British sitcom, Spaced, during which the lead character Tim (played by Pegg) hallucinates seeing zombies thanks to staying up all night on cheap speed, eating Twiglets, and playing Resident Evil 2.  That hilarious bit during the television show gave Pegg and Wright some of the inspiration for Shaun of the Dead.  That series, and this movie, are huge breaths of fresh air - often imitated, never duplicated.  They're what's right in entertainment.

There have been some wonderful recent additions to the horror-comedy subgenre:  Zombieland and Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil come immediately to mind.  But Shaun of the Dead is my gold standard.  If you haven't seen it, please...do yourself an immense favor.  I can only gush so much about it before telling you go out in the world and give your eyes a treat.

Here, to give you a little...taste...the trailer:

Rammbock: Berlin Undead (2010) Short Movie, Short Review

Clocking in at just over an hour, the German infection horror offering Rammbock: Berlin Undead offers some really good moments in what turned out to be a mostly decent little horror flick sponsored in the United States by the wonderful horror news website Bloody Disgusting.  It's a pretty straightforward story with basic undertones of longing and lingering loyalty.  No frills, as the story takes place in one location, an apartment building in Berlin that falls under attack by victims of a mysterious illness that causes them to become raving, mad-dashing, bitey zombie-ish thingies.

Milquetoast Michael is in Berlin to return keys to his very-recently-ex-girlfriend Gabi, who isn't home when he arrives.  He meets young plumber's assistant Harper just in time to witness the plumber working on Gabi's apartment turn into a frothing-at-the-mouth nutjob with milky eyes.  They get out of that situation, but quickly realize it's not just one rabid dude teeming with infection, but all of Berlin.  They hole up in Gabi's apartment, with Michael worrying about his ex - who hasn't returned his frantic phone calls - and Harper worrying about his family.  From the window, they watch as those in the courtyard are slaughtered, and meet other survivors through their own windows.  Michael sets about finding a way to a man's apartment after the man offers food in trade for some sedatives for his infected wife. This begins an odyssey through the next apartment and into the attic, where Michael finds one thing he's looking for, but it's not what he had hoped.  The rest of the movie is not only the struggle for survival, but Michael's own transformation from a relative wimp pining for his ex-girlfriend to a resourceful hero for those he meets on his journey to escape.  Not going to spoil it here for you, but the movie ends on a bittersweet note.

There's nothing fancy about Rammbock: Berlin Undead.  It tells its story, and tells it better than some vehicles for infection horror.  There's an air of urgency and hopelessness laced throughout, with signs of hope just enough to not make it a total downer.  As anyone who reads this knows, I liked to see the scale of devastation in these movies, even for a glimpse.  The scene where Michael casts his eyes on Berlin from a rooftop, as shown in the American movie poster, sums up the insane odds against anyone surviving the plague.  The infected - not sure if calling them undead is accurate, since we never really know if they die and come back - are of the fast-running, rabid variety, as seen in 28 Days Later and [REC], only with eyes that film over when infection fully occurs.  I found the characters intriguing from the main characters to the brother/sister across the way (a scene where she cries on the balcony is heartbreaking) to the silent tattooed man with what appears to be a bite on his arm.  The man who offered food and his infected wife have a particularly tragic scene.  While Rammbock didn't offer me anything new, it was tried and true, and sometimes that's just fine.

Honestly, it's not all that bad of a way to spend an hour if you're in the mood for some of your basic flash mob zombies.

Until next time, fellow survivors...no more flights to Berlin for a while.  Let the infection blow over.  Here, enjoy the trailer:

Dance Of The Dead (2008) A Hell Of A Night

I remember prom.  It was the 80's, so those proms you see in "homage movies"?  Yeah, that wasn't my school.  That's not to say our prom wasn't bad.  It was fun for the most part.  I dressed in a white tux (that came with a swank cane), took a girl named Julie to dinner, then prom.  Nothing crazy, nothing wild.  Nobody threw up on the dance floor, nobody spiked the punch, and nobody was a reanimated corpse hungering for human flesh.

Yes, that is me.  Now BASK in the glory that was my nerd-before-nerd-was-cool 80's self.  At least the cane was swank.

That's essentially what happens in Ghost House Underground's Dance of the Dead, written by Joe Ballarini and directed by Gregg Bishop.  You've got your teen hormones, rivalries, drama, and a horde of undead firing out of the cemetery like rocks from a catapult.  It's a little movie with a modest budget and no "big-name" stars, but that doesn't take away from it in the slightest.  The cast more than holds their own in creating what is a very good zombie movie with healthy doses of comedy, adventure, and romance to round out the flavor.

In a cemetery near a nuclear power plant, the poor caretaker is apparently the only one that knows the radiation is causing the buried dead to come back to life.  He calmly goes about his day, cleaning headstones, trimming hedges, and making sure the dead stay in their coffins.  Meanwhile in the town of Cooas, the teen population is readying for the prom.  The characters go through an assortment of typical teen pre-prom excitement.  Troublemaker Jimmy (Jared Kusnitz) thinks everything is a joke which causes his sweet, prom committee girlfriend Lindsey (Greyson Chadwick) to dump him in favor of smarmy popular guy Mitch (Jeff Adelman).  Jimmy's buddy Stephen (Chandler Darby) aches over asking out cute cheerleader Gwen (Carissa Capobianco), whose date just canceled on her.  Gwen, although very sweet, has eyes for the high school rock star Nash (Blair Redford).  Thrown in the mix, but playing important parts, are adrenaline junkie/bully Kyle (Justin Welborn of The Signal) and the Sci-Fi club, led by John Heder lookalike Jules (Randy McDowell).  All the characters are in place thanks to some nudge-nudge-wink-wink 80's-style montage action and when the Sci-Fi Club heads to the cemetery for some exploring, the action begins.

The dead come to life and literally explode out of their coffins.  Interestingly, the speed of the undead seems to depend on how long they've been buried.  More ragged zombies move slowly, while "fresher" ones zip along with reckless abandon.  Not all of the Sci-Fi clubs make it, and Mitch - who just tried getting a little too forward with Lindsey - loses his head over the whole zombie-rising situation.  They make it to, of all places, a funeral home and hole up there.  While running from the undead, Jimmy meets up with Kyle - who has a gun - and Gwen, who is oblivious to the zombies as she's out for a run with her iPod.  They escape into the sewers after hearing from Lindsey and make their way to the funeral home.

After a battle in the home in which Kyle is killed, Gwen makes a daring run to retrieve the hearse and the gang escapes.  Running into the wild-eyed, militaristic gym teacher, Coach Keel (Mark Oliver), they load up on weapons and plan to rescue whoever is left at the prom.  They pick up Nash and his band along the way, gaining some important intel:  the zombies are affected by sound waves.  They stop and sway to music which provides a shade of hope to the little group of living rebels.

The school is overrun by the time they get there, so Keel goes through with a plan to blow up the school with all the undead in it.  The Sci-Fi Club and Gwen embark on a rescue mission while Jimmy and Lindsey undertake the mission of retrieving the explosives trigger that the Coach dropped in a bowl of potato chips.  Not everything goes as planned, and not everyone makes it out alive, but the school is destroyed while the dialogue afterwards sets up the possibility of a sequel.

Dance of the Dead really is a fun little movie.  It might not be the greatest zombie movie ever made, but it ranks pretty high on my own list.  The actors are having a blast and there's a definite nod to 80's-style teen comedies running through it.  Each character has a distinct personality and interacts well with the other characters in the story.  No one really clunks through a scene with a counterpart.  The movie moves along quickly and sharply, with the main emphasis being on the fun.  Yes, friends die and yes, the town is overrun by flesh-eating zombies, but as the viewer, relatively safe from the zombie plague in his or her home, is enjoying the ride.  There are some great scenes of comedy, especially when Kyle interacts with the "geeks" or dispatches zombies in his own Jackass-inspired way.  There are some heartfelt moments, such as when Jimmy comes into his own and the final fate of Gwen and Stephen (although you could include laughs and gore with their final scene, too).  Whether or not Dance of the Dead is your bag, take a look and judge for yourself.  Personally, I did have fun both times I've seen it, and I'd see it again.

Next time you have a rough night out or lament having a "lame" prom when you were younger, just be glad there wasn't a zombie apocalypse in progress.

Or was there?

Now go on, enjoy the trailer:

The Horde (2009) If They Don't Kill Each Other First

You remember those trailers from movies that featured two unlikely allies who must accomplish some goal "if they don't kill each other first"?  My friends and I used to riff on it quite often - "Hey, they're heading down to the bar...if they don't kill each other first."  Pure hilarity, I'm tellin' you.

Well, that whole notion is the basis of the French zombie action film, 2009's The Horde.  Directed by Yannick Dahan and Benjamin Rocher in their feature film debut, the basic plot is pretty straightforward.  In France, a group of cops who refer to themselves as a family unit, decide to take revenge on a Nigerian drug lord who has killed one colleague, and kidnapped another.  They're on an unsanctioned mission of vengeance, quietly storming the high-rise tenement building where the drug lord is based.  The raid doesn't go well, and the police are quickly held at the mercy of the bad guys.  Within minutes, the building is under siege by the titular horde of undead.  It's happening inside, too, as the kidnapped cop revives and attacks after being shot multiple times.  The zombies themselves have the origin characteristics of early Romero undead (don't have to be bitten, just be dead to revive) and the physical attributes of the mad runners of 28 Days Later (they're hungry and fast).  What brought on this undead virus is never revealed.  The important thing is you have two groups of people who couldn't be more different throwing those differences out the window to feed their instinct for survival.  Their goal is to get out of the building and escape the horde, but you know as well as I do, that ain't happening as easy as they think.  The rest of the film is their attempt at escape, with the building, the zombies, and each other as enemies.

While as a whole, the movie rates as "pretty good" in my opinion, it's the parts that make up the sum that stand out to me.  The action drives the relationships, and so the focus is there, unlike most zombie films where characterization is ranked higher.  I would daresay that this is more of an action movie than a horror movie, the way I see it.  There are stretches where scenes drag on a little too long, but the action is fast and furious.  And no, Vin Diesel is not in it.  Getting back to the "parts that make up the sum" thing I mentioned, I wanted to note that there were are scenes and moments that really made those parts enjoyable.

There were a lot of hand-to-hand combat scenes between uninfected and infected.  No martial arts goodness, but some brutal "fighting for my life" kind of fisticuffs.  One hood, Greco (Jo Prestia), finds and completely destroys two zombies using his fists and a small knife.  Completely badass, but only an appetizer for a scene towards the end of the film when heroic cop Ouessem (Jean-Pierre Martins) faces off with a giant-size horde using at first two pistols, then a machete, then his fists in an increasingly-futile battle.  It's riveting and sad and insane at the same time, and really a highlight of the film.

While Ouessem is a great character, for me, the most intriguing character was Adewale, the drug lord.  Eriq Ebouany portrays him with a full spectrum of emotion, from cold killer to protective brother to respectful ally.  He's smart and tough and will do anything to survive, even help his enemies.  His strength is seen on display when his hotheaded brother Bola (Doudou Masta), Greco, and a crazy old soldier they meet named Rene (Yves Pignot) - all hopped up on cocaine - contemplate sexually assaulting a wounded zombie.  While the zombie writhes on the floor and the drugged-up guys stand over her, Adewale's expression is one of horror and anger.  He shoots the zombie in the head, then angrily reminds Bola of their past in Nigeria and hints at something similar that may have happened in their younger lives.

All parts considered, I liked the movie.  The action sequences were very kinetic, the acting was quite good, and I'm going to give points to zombie movies that show a glimpse of the infection's scale in the world.  In this case, it was a dark, panoramic shot of the city burning and it's the punch in the gut to the characters that lets them know, things just got serious.

Until later, my dear readers, remember:  in a zombie apocalypse, we're all in it together.  Except for Fred Phelps and his Westboro nutjobs. I don't want them anywhere near my shelter.

Here, enjoy the trailer:

28 Days Later (2003) A Little Case Of The Rage

It's become a classic of modern horror arguments:  should zombies be fast or slow?  "Fast" increases the urgency, but "slow" - the more traditional choice - allows for more character development.  Well, this argument as it pertains to Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later can be thrown out the window for one very obvious reason:  the movie isn't about zombies.

In fact, the antagonistic force of nature in 28 Days Later isn't comprised of dead-becoming-undead people at all.  They're still alive, but infected with something called The Rage.  So that argument I mentioned?  Save it for another day because while we're talking about infection horror here, the infected are still technically alive.  The danger, though, is still the same as undead movies:  the infected are going to chase you down and viciously attack you until you're a) dead or b) infected as well.  The disease takes hold quick, and makes you twitch and growl with madness, much like a person suffering the after-effects of a late-night Heineken run and too many burritos.  Not that I would know...ahem.

Despite the fast-moving nature of the infected, there are plenty of moments of character development in the film and that's the balance that helps hold this film higher.  It's a wild, kinetic ride when the action is in full swing, yet subdued and soft during scenes of real human interaction, and quietly tense during moments you know something is about to happen.

Literally 28 days after a militant animal rights group naively sets an infected chimp free, London is an abandoned urban wasteland.  Bicycle courier Jim (Cillian Murphy) awakens from a coma to an empty hospital, and a seemingly empty city.  When he's set upon by a group of infected people, he's rescued by Selena (Naomie Harris) and Mark (Noah Huntley) who fill him in on what's happened.  The infection has apparently spread like wildfire, and London - as well as most of England - has been evacuated.

The trio heads to Jim's house, where he discovers the final, peaceful fate of his parents.  While there, neighbors attack, resulting in an injury to Mark.  Without hesitation, Selena kills Mark, knowing the infection can manifest in minutes.  We never know for sure if the injury would have led to infection or not, but the scene marked the stark new reality of post-infection London. 

Selena and Jim eventually meet up with Frank (Brendan Gleeson) and Hannah (Megan Burns), a father and daughter surviving in the upper floors of an apartment building.  The four of them hit the road, as they're running low on supplies and follow the signal of soldiers broadcasting from near devastated Birmingham.  They find an abandoned outpost, and Frank is infected when a drop of Rage-filled blood gets in his eye.  He is gunned down by the arriving soldiers, who take the others to their base in an old mansion.  They meet Major West (Christopher Eccleston), who welcomes them warmly at first before revealing that he plans on keeping the human race alive by forcing the women into sex with the soldiers, making Jim expendable.   Caught trying to escape, the girls are separated from Jim, who is to be executed the next morning.

The execution doesn't go as planned.  Jim escapes and lures soldiers to the roadblock where they first met.  After taking care of those soldiers, Jim makes his way back to the mansion, sets loose an infected soldier to cause mayhem, and goes about rescuing Selena and Hannah, almost meeting the business end of Selena's machete due to the brutal way in which he kills a soldier.  On the way out, Jim is shot by West and after leaving the Major to the tender mercies of an infected soldier, the girls hurry Jim someplace where they can tend to his wounds, which may or may not be fatal, depending on which ending you prefer.  And yes, there is more than one ending, the happiest one being the default at the end of the theatrical release.

Boyle always has an eye for the stylistic, from Trainspotting to the more recent 127 Hours.  In his films, he manages to reach past the wild or unique circumstances of the characters to get right to the heart of their being.  I remember watching Trainspotting and thinking how much I loved and cared about the characters, even if they had less than redeeming qualities.  The same could be said for 28 Days Later.  Even minor characters have depth to them, and the major characters - you just want them to live.  You just want this makeshift family to get to where they're going.  The acting is as good as expected in a Danny Boyle film, with Murphy and Harris as real standouts.

There are some really great moments in it as well. Jim's awakening and wandering around a beautifully empty London is haunting and sad. Jim's standoff at the roadblock is surrealistically bad-ass. His rescue of and subsequent brush with a machete wielded by Selena is heartbeat-fast tension. There are plenty to choose from, believe me.

Plus, I have to admit.  It's weird looking back on this movie and seeing Doctor Who (Eccleston) face off with The Scarecrow (Murphy) after the death of Mad-Eye Moody (Gleeson).

That's the nerd in me.

28 Days Later is kinetic and solemn at the same time, at the time a new look at infection horror when the genre was really starting to break out again.  It's always worth a look and makes you think twice when you hear about a new strain of the flu making its rounds.  Cover your mouth!  And eyes, nose, ears...

The Walking Dead Premiere - Some Things Are Worth The Wait

"Anticipation...it's makin' me wait!" - Old Heinz ketchup commercial

I've been disappointed by hype before, or at best, just a little let down. Way in the back of my mind, I feared the same would happen with AMC's new original series, The Walking Dead. It finally - after months of waiting - premiered appropriately on October 31 to the well-oiled hype machine that is AMC. That station, I tell you, is riding a serious wave of successful original series like Mad Men and Breaking Bad. They, like HBO, seem to set the bar very high in terms of quality, so I knew the series was in good hands. But that nagging fear remained in the back of my head: "What if it's just so-so...or worse, what if it sucks?"

I'm happy to say that not only did the premiere live up to my expectations, it exceeded them.

Now, I may or may not review each episode. I haven't decided yet. More likely, I'll bookend the season with reviews starting with this one. Needless to say, if was borrowing a page from Roger Ebert's book, I'd be giving this a huge thumbs-up.

I love infection horror, and that's evident in my blog. Hell, I prefaced watching this premiere with my annual Halloween viewing of 1978's Dawn of the Dead. More than that, I'm a huge fan of the comic book from Image Comics, created and written by Robert Kirkman, who also co-produced the series (Kirkman also writes a superhero series called Invincible that I hope makes it to the screen as well). Knowing he had a huge say in what went down, and knowing director/screenwriter extraordinaire Frank Darabont was in charge, put me more and more at ease.

Many of you have already seen it, and I'm not going to spoil things for the rest of you. Basically, the plot follows the book for the most part: Deputy Rick Grimes wakes up after a gunshot puts him in a coma to find that the world has really changed. There aren't any living people that he sees right away, but there are plenty of dead bodies...and some of them move. Rick leaves the hospital and returns home to find his wife and son gone. He meets Morgan and Duane, a father and son living in a house once occupied by Rick's neighbors, and they get him up to speed about the disease that has reanimated the dead. In a brilliant but tragic addition to the mythos, Morgan and Duane agonize over the sight of Morgan's wife, Duane's mother, returning day after day as a zombie. Rick intends to move on to Atlanta to find his family, hoping Morgan and Duane will join him later. He finds a horse and rides into the city, but finds nothing but hungry ex-people. Trapped in a tank, Rick hears someone calling him "dumbass" on the radio (if you read the book, you know who it is) as the episode comes to a close.

I skimmed over quite a bit of it, but really, if you're able to watch it, you need to see and hear the experience. The flies buzzing? Nice touch. There are scenes that are perfectly silent, and the confusion and disorientation is enough to drive you crazy because you have no music cues to warn you, or tell you how to feel. The disease spares no one. Yes, a little girl zombie falls in the first few minutes. I know the "politically correct" will be up in arms: "what kind of image is that to show our precious children?" Please. It's horror. What would you do, give it Twizzlers and positively reinforce it not to bite you? Same with the horse. That's in the comic as well. It's hard to see, but it portrays how a zombified world would be. The living dead don't care about cuteness. They're just hungry forces of nature. Another gory, but great, touch was the completely masticated woman lying in the hospital hallway. Darabont told so much story in Rick's post-awakening scene with hardly a word. The half-woman bicycle zombie is straight from the book, but Darabont adds so much pathos and emotion to each scene, it's like an enhanced version of an already-great work. I really hope the rest of the season holds up to this fantastic premiere.

I can't enough good things about it. I've seen overwhelmingly positive reviews, and mine stands as my own. I'm sure there are some who didn't like it, but that's life. Or undead life. So many puns, so little time.

Until later, my friends, try to be awake when the zombie apocalypse comes. And be sure to catch The Walking Dead on AMC, Sundays at 10 p.m.

Survival Of The Dead (2009) Teach Them To Eat At IHOP

I love George A. Romero. I really do. He introduced and fine-tuned the modern living dead template as we know it: slow, lumbering dead people who have been re-animated into vessels of hunger, spreading the contagion to those they don't devour. The original trilogy, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead is placed at the top of horror lists the world over. The subsequent fourth installment, Land of the Dead, was disappointing yet still entertaining. The reboot, Diary of the Dead, was a fresh, updated take on Romero's mythos with a few little missteps here and there.

There are many who say Romero should hang up the zombie spikes and be done with the genre. Admittedly, it would be extremely hard to measure up to Dawn of the Dead, and maybe that's unfair to Romero. I know I'm guilty of holding him up to that film, and it's because Dawn of the Dead is my favorite horror movie, and it's an amazing film. M. Night Shyamalan is often held up to The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable (my favorite movie of Shyamalan's), and maybe that demand is unfair. Because, as everyone knows, nothing measures up to the original blitz of originality and creative flair.

That said, here's my stance: I don't think Romero should give up on the genre. Maybe the movies aren't as good as Dawn of the Dead. But if he's got more stories to tell, and they're at least halfway entertaining, I'm willing to give them a chance. I had middling hopes for his most recent Dead film, Survival of the Dead. I went into expected to see a sad shadow of Romero's past work, but was somewhat surprised to find that it not only held my interest, I was okay with the whole deal.



The story follows an incidental character who appeared in Diary of the Dead. When the main characters of that movie were robbed by renegade military guys, they were threatened by Sarge "Nicotine" Crockett (Alan van Sprang), who advised them to "turn the camera off." In this movie, we find that Crockett passingly remembers those "college kids" and became a minor Internet celebrity when that video was posted. He and his crew have decided to desert and are just searching for a way to escape the rapidly dying (and reviving) world.

Earlier in the movie, we met the feuding families of Patrick O'Flynn (Kenneth Welsh) and Seamus Muldoon (Richard Fitzpatrick), two Irish rivals whose families have settled on Plum Island, off the coast of Maine. O'Flynn wants to eliminate the zombies, while Muldoon wants to save them. O'Flynn is forced into exile and makes a living on the mainland as a modern pirate. He accepts payment for the use of boats, then sends people to Plum Island to bug Muldoon, who hates strangers.

After rescuing a wise-ass kid from abusive zombie hunters, Crockett's unit discovers O'Flynn's online "advertisement" for escaping the mainland. Arriving, they engage in a gunfight with O'Flynn before one of Crockett's men, Francisco (Stefano Colacitti), jump starts a ferry. They are able to escape with O'Flynn barely making it aboard after all his men are attacked by zombies, and he forms a truce with the military deserters. Francisco is feeling a bit queasy, though, after biting the finger off a zombie that tried to drag him under while swimming to the boat.

Things just under the water. Cue the chills. Remember, that kind of thing skeeves me out.


When they reach the island, they find that the Muldoons have been trying to rehabilitate the zombies. They also have been killing the innocents that O'Flynn sent to "bug" his rival, but he never guessed they'd go that far. A couple Muldoons attack, resulting in Kenny (Eric Woolf) being killed (then shot by Crockett to prevent re-animation). They also meet O'Flynn's horse-loving but living dead daughter, Jane, who stayed behind when her father was exiled. Angered, O'Flynn stalks off to find allies while the unit heads to a nearby meeting hall.

Francisco wanders off to kill himself when he accepts what has happened to him, but Tomboy (Athena Karkasis) follows and tearfully does the job for him so that his "soul wouldn't be damned." Then, she's taken prisoner by the Muldoons.

When Crockett passes out from his wound, the kid heads to try to find water, but runs into someone familiar, yet new. Turns out zombie Jane has a twin sister, Janet, who has arrived to help. She has no love lost for her father, but changes her mind when he admits she was truly his favorite.


When O'Flynn and Crockett, along with their allies, head for the Muldoon ranch, they are forced to lay down their weapons and observe what the elder Muldoon has been trying to achieve: conditioning the undead to eat something other than living people. It has been unsuccessful, but now he has Jane in a pen with her horse and the other living dead out of their pens to watch.


Janet arrives with the discarded guns and evens the odds. There's a battle, and the zombies run loose to do what they do so well: tear and eat. Janet tries to connect with her zombie twin sister, only to be bitten on the hand. O'Flynn and Muldoon face off, and Muldoon just wants O'Flynn to admit he's wrong. Not wanting any more bloodshed, O'Flynn agrees and asks for a moment with Janet. Muldoon coldly shoots O'Flynn in the back, but is gunned down by O'Flynn's hidden sleeve gun. The others begin their escape as Janet watches her sister suddenly take a bite out of the horse.


She runs to tell the others, but is shot by her own father, who is on his last legs. Any last hope of holding the key to conditioning the dead goes to the grassy grave with Janet. O'Flynn shuffles off while Crockett, Tomboy, and the kid return to the ferry, passing up the chance to live on Plum Island, not wanting to become warring tribes like the O'Flynns and the Muldoons.

Zombies devour the horse (the only time I cried "noooo!" in the whole movie) and, against the backdrop of a full moon (looking oddly like the poster for Dawn of the Dead), the undead O'Flynn and Muldoon aim empty guns at each other, their hate never dying.

Like I said, I was okay with this movie. Some of the zombie kills are played for laughs, and some of the acting is dubious, something that occurs in Romero's films. The deus ex machina of the twin sister was a little "okay, really?" and I found people sneaking up on other people with surprising stealth that didn't seem plausible. Really, Tomboy couldn't hear those Muldoon goons coming? And the accents. My, my. Francisco's dialect seemed forced, and O'Flynn reminded me of Malcolm McDowell imitating a pirate. Oddly enough, I still liked the character.

I did like the "message," that the rivalry among humans will continue even at the worst of times when unity and teamwork are needed most. I know...I just know...that if something like the zombie apocalypse were to happen (and, oh...it will), humankind will still find ways to blame each other. Political parties will say the other caused it and won't sign on to a good solution the other might have to rectify it. Religious groups will blame each other and "non-believers" as the cause of the dead rising from their graves. Neighbor will blame neighbor. Nation will blame nation. A never-ending cycle. The only winners: the zombies. They don't care who you voted for or what church you go to. They're just going to eat you.

Ah, well, I've waxed philosophical enough for now. To sum up, I did like Survival of the Dead. I know that opinion will be at odds with others' opinions, but that's fun of it all. It's not a bad way to pass a little time, enjoy a little Romero while you're relaxing at home on a lazy afternoon.

Just steer clear of Plum Island. They don't seem to like strangers.

Outpost (2008) The Punisher Meets Some Evil Nazi Zombies

When you need a villain, you really can't go wrong with those evil Nazi bastards. There's a built-in hatred for those master race jerks that allows you to cheer when they're mowed down by the dozen. Make them zombies or ghosts or whatnot, and *bam*...instant supernatural villain. They're villains in the truest sense of the word. No cheering for them because it's "edgy" or "cool" (see World Championship Wrestling's 90's faction The New World Order). If you're cheering for the Nazi, then get off my lawn now.

Much in the same way Dead Snow brought scores of superhuman, very undead Nazi zombies to battle against innocent Norwegian vacationers, the 2008 British horror offering Outpost has a group somewhat more prepared for battle going up against undead Nazi super-soldiers. Throw in a slight touch of sci-fi, and you have an interesting premise.

Soldier of fortune DC (Ray Stevenson of Punisher: War Zone) and his band of merry men have been hired by secretive corporate fellow Hunt (Julian Windham) to open up and explore a bunker deep in some war-torn Eastern European forest. DC's got quite the international team of mercenaries, with guys from the USA to Belgium to Russia. The USA's representative, Prior is played by Richard Brake. You may remember him as my favorite part of Perkins' 14.

And imagine my surprise and delight when I find out that the Irish representative in this team, McKay, is played by none other than Michael Smiley, the rave-obsessed, mood-swinging bike messenger Tyres from my favorite Brit-com, Spaced.



I kept waiting for him to spout his trademark, "Oi-oi! You lucky people!" But alas, this was a more serious role.

The team enters the bunker and find some weirdness right off the bat. Radios don't work very well, and on top of possible snipers bearing down on them, they find someone somewhat alive. A strange, silent bald man lies among a pile of bodies in a mysterious room. No one knows how he could've arrived there, since the bunker was pretty much sealed and hadn't been touched in decades. Upon further investigation, they discover not only is the bunker very old, and not only was it used by the Nazis in World War II, but it was used for some of the more bizarre experiments.

In this bunker, the Nazis apparently tried creating the perfect soldier: one with tremendous capacity for physical strength and cruelty, as well as being virtually indestructible. Not only that, there's the whole reason that Hunt guy is there. Seems the Nazis were also experimenting with reality and time distortion, and there's a machine there his bosses want. The closer he gets to deciphering and understanding the machine, the worse it gets for him and the merc team. Shadowy figures appear on the perimeter. Members of the team go missing and then turn up, tortured and murdered.

Like evil undead super-ninjas, the Nazi super-soldiers get inside the bunker and then the kicker: the helpless, catatonic guy they found at the beginning. Not so helpless after all. While watching one of the films found in the bunker, it's discovered that Silent Bald Guy is really Ultra-Evil Nazi General Guy. He survived the experiment, plus a shot to the head, and is looking to reclaim his mantle as leader.

It comes down to The Punisher DC doing his best to mow down the advancing undead superhumans, but to no avail. Everybody goes, and they don't go pretty. When a recovery team arrives to assess the situation and maybe rescue who might be left (um, no one at this point), the silhouettes appear again at the treeline and we know everyone is pretty much screwed.

This was another movie that didn't wow me, but didn't totally disappoint. The notion of space and time being slightly warped intrigued me. The thought that there was possibly more going on there than what we actually saw. Exactly what could that machine do? I'd like to know more, and it looks as though I may get to, as a sequel is in the works for later this year. This film looked good and had some nice performances. While Richard Brake again played a loony, which he does very well, it was nice to see Michael Smiley show range since I mostly associate him with his wacky character on Spaced. So, mixed feelings on this one, mostly positive, though. I say show me more - there is more that can be done with this story, and it could be tightened up into a nice package.

Still, when all is said and done, The Punisher would have had a field day on those supernatural goose-steppers.

Until next time, fellow survivors, don't mess with the space-time continuum. It makes a mess.

Dead Snow (2009) Chainsaws, Nazi Zombies, and Outhouse Sex

Years ago, and I mean MANY years ago, I was an exchange student to Sweden. It was easily one of the greatest years of my life, and a great memory of how things were before the undead rose. There were definitely no Nazi zombies on any of the ski trips my host family took me on and I don't remember any machine gun snowmobiles. One thing I can tell you: northern Scandinavia during winter is absolutely gorgeous.

Dead Snow (aka Død Snø) is a fun little Norwegian movie directed by Tommy Wirkola, and written by Wirkola and Stig Frode Henriksen. There was considerable hype leading up to my viewing of it, and while it didn't replace Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland as my favorite zombie comedies, it was still a joyful, bloody little romp through the snow-covered mountains of Norway.

When the film opens, a young woman run in pure panic through the dark Norwegian wilderness, pursued by something we can't quite see. She tumbles down a hill, breaking her leg and ending up trapped in a thicket. Whatever was chasing her catches up and engaging in a growling feast as the main title appears on the screen.

From there, we meet a couple groups of cheeky medical students. The men: catalog model-esque Vegard, studious Martin, dirty-minded Roy, and nerdy Erland. They're on their way to Vegard's girlfriend Sara's cabin for a little ski trip full of snow and a high potential of bumping uglies. In the other car are three of the four women: sensible Hanna, sexy-nerdy Chris, and quiet Billie Piper-lookalike Liv. The fourth is Sara, who we later learn is legging it through the wilderness to get there. Uh-oh. That means the woman in the beginning...? Yep. That was Sara.

Beer?

The vacation kicks off just fine, as they typically do in these movies. Vegard brought his prized snowmobile and after setting out ahead of the others to warm up the cabin, gives everyone inner tube rides. No, that's not a euphemism. Everyone wonders where Sara is, but the party rages on into the night. There are couples, as Martin and Hanna have paired off and Chris periodically flirts with Erland, much to his surprise. A knock on the door might mean Sara's joined the party, but alas, no. It's a strange hiker who somehow - don't ask me - found the cabin and wants nothing more than a cup of coffee and to share a terrifying story of a cruel Nazi officer named Herzog. Seems Herzog held the local town - a port for the Nazi navy - in his iron fist, robbing and slaughtering townsfolk until they rose up against him. He was forced to head into the hills, where he and his men were never found. After his rousing story, he's off to continue his hike. Not long after he sets up camp, some fast-moving shapes slit his throat and attack him in his tent.

The next day, Vegard decides to take the snowmobile to look for Sara. He instructs the others to go get help if he isn't back by the following day, then takes off into the mountains. The others, though originally spooked by the hiker's story, continue the party after Vegard leaves. While groping for more beer, Erland finds a box full of gold trinkets and German medals. The medical students are overwhelmed with joy and some proclaim to do what I'd do: pay off their student loans. Vegard, meanwhile, not only finds what's left of the old hiker, but falls into a snow-covered cave.

After night falls, things start getting darker and I'm not talking about the sky. It's all fun and games at first. Erland shuffles out to the outhouse to have a bit of a dump, and we all know outhouses in horror films are bad news. In one of the most outrageous scenes in the movie, Chris finally makes her move on Erland. In the outhouse...AFTER he "releases the hounds." And to add to the gross-out factor, she sucks on his fingers. I thought employees were supposed to wash after using the restroom.

Outhouse sex...this can't end well, zombies or no zombies.

Well, they have their fun and Erland returns to the party so Chris can use the facilities. You know someone's going into the toilet when a horror film includes an outhouse, and sure enough, in goes Chris. Sadly, she'll never get to profess her continuing feelings for Erland. Instead, she meets Herzog's men and they didn't bring flowers or even a six-pack of Carlsberg.

The zombies attack the cabin, forcing the students to barricade the place. Erland, the resident horror movie nerd, proclaims them zombies and tells everyone not to let them bite. Not long after that, Erland is ripped apart by several zombies in one of the wackiest on-screen deaths in a while. Basically, they pull his skull apart until his brain plops neatly on the floor. Insanity, I tell you. Erland's body seems to be enough for the Nazi invaders at this point, so the other four are able to last the night.

Vegard, as it turns out, isn't dead. He wakes up and explores the cave, finding Nazi flags and helmets, not to mention Sara's severed head. He fights off a couple of the zombies, even using one's intestines to keep from falling into a gorge. This doesn't, however, prevent him from being bitten badly on the neck. After stitching himself up - medical student, after all - Vegard scores a sweet machine gun from the bunker and attaches it to his snowmobile.

Hell. Yes.

Back in the cabin, the four survivors decide to split up. The men set out to distract the zombies while the girls make a break for the cars. Hanna and Liv run, then split up to escape throngs of zombies. Liv is taken down and disemboweled, and in a very cool perspective shot, we see it through her eyes. She smartly sets off a hand grenade attached to one zombie and is able to take out a couple. Hanna keeps running, doing battle with a zombie on a cliff as she intentionally cracks the ice shelf holding them up and they tumble into a valley.

What they wouldn't give for showshoes right about now.

Roy and Martin discover the shed has all sorts of handy weapons and in a scene obviously in tribute to Bruce Campbell arming up in Evil Dead II, they prepare for battle with chainsaws, hatchets, and sledgehammers. In a truly fantastic battle scene full of zombie cannon fodder and stark gore on white snow, the pair actually win the first round, but not without casualties. Vegard shows up and mows down a ton of Nazi undead before being literally ripped apart. Hanna survives the fall earlier and makes it back, only to be accidentally killed by Martin while in a battle rage. Never, ever try to grab a guy covered in zombie blood and swinging a hatchet. Still, a victory is a victory...

That is, until Herzog bellows for reinforcements.



Oh, shit.

Another battle ensues, but Martin is bitten. Remembering what Erland had said about zombie bites, Martin takes his own arm off with the chainsaw. Hardcore.

Herzog calls for even more zombies, so Plan B. Plan B involves running really fast. It works for a while, but Roy is cut down by Herzog. Before devouring Roy, Herzog loots him. This gives Martin an idea. Remembering the box of gold things in the now-burnt-down cabin (thanks to Roy's poor Molotov cocktail-throwing skills), Martin returns there and digs up the box, handing it over to Herzog. This seems to please the undead officer, and Martin makes his getaway. He reaches the cars and tries to start one, but notices a gold coin fall to the floor. Martin picks it up and slowly straightens to see Herzog outside the window. The Nazi officer smashes the window and reaches for Martin...and that's the end.

Dead Snow didn't totally blow me away. There were some moments that seemed like a stretch, but hey, if the purpose of the movie was to throw some crazy images, beautiful scenery, and wild zombie kills my way, then it succeeded. Unless I missed it, I would've liked to have a touch more of a hint as to how Herzog and his men became the undead. The ill-fated hiker mentioned the area had an "evil reputation," but that's not quite enough for me. I've been to some bars with an evil reputation, but didn't come out undead. Felt like it the next morning, though.

The acting was quite good and once you know who's who, you do grow attached to some characters. The scenery is gorgeous, but at the same time reminds you how isolated the area is. Herzog made for a menacing villain, with subtle facial expressions that gave him a definite air of evil. As if the Nazi uniform wasn't evil enough. And you can't totally fault a movie that has chainsaws, sledgehammers, and a friggin' machine gun snowmobile:



Those of you in a winter state, use that as a manual to deal with the undead outside your shelter gates.

See you next time, survivors!