Absentia (2011) Avoiding Tunnels Now

 Oh, those thin little pedestrian tunnels.

Took this picture back in Traverse City, Michigan.  I did not disappear when I walked through it.  That time, anyway.

 

Not those nice, spacious traffic tunnels that are so safe...oh, wait.  There was that scene in 28 Days Later. Hm.  Well, anyway, the claustrophobic elements of the pedestrian tunnels make them a tad more unnerving.  Add to that a history of Lovecraft-esque colonies of creatures lurking in the walls of the tunnel - and reality - and you have a combination that will make you not want to enter one, day or night, muggers be damned.  This is the scenario presented by writer/director Mike Flanagan in his small but moody film, Absentia.

The winner of a number of film festival awards in 2011, Absentia operates on a small budget with an enormous amount of spirit and atmosphere.  Special effects are minimal, and yet that minimalism only adds to the bigger picture.  I invoked the name Lovecraft earlier.  H. P. Lovecraft penned chilling stories where the ghastly, mind-destroying creatures on the edges of reality weren't revealed in full.  It was the idea of their existence that was terrifying.  We never see a full-on shot of what lies underneath reality in Absentia, but your imagination can fill it in.

Tricia (Courtney Bell) is at a crossroads.  She has moved on in her life after the disappearance of her husband, dating a police detective (Dave Levine) and carrying his child.  Yet she still posts notices right up until she finally decides to have her missing hubby declared "dead in absentia."  Her sister, Callie (Katie Parker), a struggling drug addict and free spirit, arrives to provide moral support.  Tricia begins seeing disturbing apparitions of the missing Daniel (Morgan Peter Brown) while Callie finds herself trying to help an apparently homeless and very frightened man (Doug Jones) in a pedestrian tunnel near Tricia's house.  Things get weirder, especially when Daniel shows up, looking tortured and nearly catatonic.  Where he's been is a mystery, and that unravels as the movie builds towards its inevitable, sad conclusion which I won't spoil here.

You're only given a glimpse of what Daniel has been through, and like a Lovecraft story, the idea of it is scarier than actually seeing it.  Besides the creepiness of the atmosphere surrounding that ominous tunnel, what struck me most was the stellar acting by the two leads, Bell and Parker.  Their scenes together are seamless - you really believe they're sisters.  Individually, their performances are natural and utterly believable.  While Levine, Brown, and the always-a-standout Jones turn in fine performances, it's the team of Bell and Parker that really draw the viewer in.  They don't seem like actors playing a part - they seem real.

Absentia is a small film but is making big waves.  If you want some low-key creepiness chilling you as you ponder what moves beyond the veil of the barely-hanging-on reality around us...yeah, you'll want to avoid pedestrian tunnels after you watch it.

Until next time, dear readers, here's the trailer:

The Cabin In The Woods (2012) Can't Even Begin To Tell You

You ever have this happen?  A friend says, "Hey, let's go to this little party at this place I know."  You agree.  Sounds like it might be fun, little party with some low-key people who are wonderful hosts.  Maybe a game of Pictionary. You get there, and it's all-out, record-breaking, lampshade-wearing, fireball-spitting mayhem and you look at your friend and laugh out over the blaring Motorhead, "OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?"  And you're loving every minute of it.

That party is The Cabin In The Woods.

Written by Drew Goddard and producer Joss Whedon, and directed by Goddard, is this film that takes a genre and its modern tropes, and turns it on its ear.  Not out of spite, mind you, but out of respect.  When you see it, and you step back and take a look at the big picture - and I mean really step back so you can consider everything - you can easily see what it's really about.  And it is good.

I honestly can't even get too far into the plot without giving anything away.  Seriously.  It's a wild, wacky story.  I can tell you this much:  five college kids head to the titular cabin in the woods for a weekend of revelry.  You've got your sweet smart girl (Kristen Connelly), your smart guy (Jesse Williams), your jock (Chris Hemsworth of Thor), your party girl (Anna Hutchinson), and your stoner (Fran Kranz).  You know, the "usual" tropes.  Or are they?  Things get weird, but in many, many more ways than one.  To tell you any more than that would be spoiling it, and the movie's still too fresh.  You need to discover its secrets on your own.

While the film centers on the horror genre, there are plenty of laughs to go around.  Kranz as the perpetually high Marty gets the lion's share of those moments, but there are definitely others.  And wow, that third act is incredibly, utterly insane.  So much wonderful mayhem.

Like that party you went to.

As of this writing, The Cabin In The Woods is playing in theaters everywhere, having just opened a few days ago.  It's not what you might think.  It's even more fun.  There's a bit of a message if you know where to look but you might be having too much of a blast watching what's happening on the screen.

Hell of the Living Dead (1980) A Nostalgic Mess

Hell of the Living Dead.

Night of The Zombies.

Virus.

Zombie Inferno.

Zombi 4.

These are just some of the titles this wild mess has gone under, like a sneaky con-man sliding from alias to alias.  I can almost envision this movie sitting in a dark corner, cackling over its latest grift, looking all disheveled and wild-eyed.  It not only lifted things like incidental music - which I'll get to later - and documentary footage, but it may also steal your soul.

And yet there's an odd, nostalgic feeling to this strange movie.  As funny-awful as this movie is, there is a sense of carefree abandon about the experience.  At the time, it was certainly the goriest picture I had ever seen in my then-sixteen years.  My summers in the 80's were usually pretty fun and free-wheeling, what with no Internet and massive video games to keep me inside all the time.  Time spent indoors was either with reading, watching baseball, or watching movies I rented or borrowed.  I can remember friends of mine lending Hell of the Living Dead to me in 1984, recorded on VHS off of a movie channel which I couldn't get living in the woods.  I recall thinking to myself that I was ever quizzed on what the plot was, I'd be stumped.  But one could get extra credit in the "gratuitous cheesy gore" section of the test.

Ah, enough metaphors.

You want to know a clue that this movie is up to something?  It's co-written and co-directed by Claudio Fragasso.  You may remember him from my reviews of Troll 2 and Best Worst Movie as the director and co-writer of that vegetarian goblin cult classic.  When you see Troll 2 and you listen to his rants in Best Worst Movie, then things fall into place about Hell of the Living Dead.  It all makes sense.  Well, sort of.

Rrrrgh - I want my ICE CREAM!

Hell of the Living Dead seemed doomed from the start.  Like now, zombies were a hot commodity back in the 70's, with George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead (released as Zombi in Italy under Dario Argento) and Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2 splattering screens in the latter part of that decade.  Italy became a breeding ground for quick, inexpensive zombie flicks, and Hell of the Living Dead was barely given a budget.  Not to mention, much of the footage shot by director Bruno Mattei (credited as Vincent Dawn) was apparently not up to snuff, so they pieced together a mish-mash of already-shot footage and clips from a documentary about native rituals.  Then there's the issue with the music.  When you pop in Hell of the Living Dead, you may see that the soundtrack is by none other than Goblin, the same group that provided the now-legendary score to the original Dawn of the Dead.  After a few minutes, you'll soon realize that not only is Goblin doing the music...it's the exact same soundtrack as Dawn of the Dead.  They didn't even bother to get new music.  Hell, Goblin apparently didn't even allow it, but hey, what's a little legal trouble to a juggernaut like this movie?

Despite what I said before, there is a plot.  An accident at a chemical plant in New Guinea lets loose a contagion that causes living things to become sadistic, flesh-eating automatons.  It also causes their faces to take on a weird shade, but that's neither here nor there.  After foiling a terrorist takeover of an embassy, a crack military unit is sent to New Guinea to find out why communications with the chemical plant have been lost.  The unit is comprised of stock characters:  the hunky hero guy, the almost-hunky guy, the crazy guy, and the goofy guy.  They meet up in a seemingly-abandoned settlement with some people trying to escape the land:  the half-tough/half-screamy woman reporter, her half-brave/half-nauseous cameraman, and a family of three with a sick child.  The settlement is a wash, as the family is slaughtered by an infected priest and their now-bitey child.  The other six take off further into the jungle, offering the reporter an excuse to suddenly remove her shirt and claim she can communicate with the indigenous people.  The dead rise at the village, so the crew must bug out again, finally stopping at a plantation in the middle of nowhere.

Why, oh, why did I wander near a window?

The plantation offers very little in the way of answers, but a whole lot in the way of infected, gore-hungry former residents.  The team's Goofy Guy is killed - wearing a dress, no less - and the team fights their way out, finally heading for the chemical plant.  Once there, they discover that the chemical was meant to be used as Third World population control, but it got out of hand.  Cameraman, Almost-Hunky Guy, and Crazy Guy are all killed before Reporter Girl and Hunky Guy meet their grisly fate in the bowels of the plant.  The epilogue shows a young couple on the toothy end of some zombies in a metropolitan city.  Dun-dun-DUUUN!

Wow, what a journey.

The expression that says, "Dude, I told you."

Let's see:  the acting is fairly average to over-the-top, thanks to the Crazy Guy.  The dubbing is tremendously awful, and the movie is such a scattershot affair that your brain will stop trying to figure it out after about ten minutes.  Possibly sooner than that.  There are plenty of chuckles and winces whenever you see the gore, and there is a lot of it.  Lacking the gritty realism of Tom Savini's special effects work, it appears as though they effects team had a ton of raw meat and, by the power of Greyskull, they were going to use it.  The ending gore is so blatantly insane, it's laughable yet memorable.  Tongue!  Eyes!  Everything!

I also love the lack of basic reasoning that takes place in the film.  Once the team figures out that to stop the creatures, they must be shot in the head, they continue to waste ammo by spraying them in every area below the head.  "They just won't stop!"

Hell of the Living Dead is just not a good movie.  And yet, somehow I've seen it four or five times.  It's like I forget how painful it is, rent it, and say to myself, "oh, yeah, now I remember."  A cult film?  One could argue that it is.  There are plenty of people who do like it.  I'm nostalgic about how I first saw it - that lazy, sunny summer day back in '84 - but beyond that, I don't think I could ever own it, ever see it being the beloved center of attention like Troll 2.

If you don't mind a meandering film with plot holes the size of Florida sinkholes that's worthy of a Mystery Science Theater 3000 or RiffTrax treatment, this is your film.  Don't take it seriously, and you may be able to have some fun with it.  It will never go down as a serious classic of the genre, yet it somehow gets noticed.  In a roundabout way, it did that one thing - getting noticed - right.

Until next time, dear readers, beware of chemical leaks. They might cause bad movies.

Amazing Stories: Mummy Daddy (1985) That's One Determined Daddy

I've been around a long time. You know, like the Highlander.

I was fresh out of high school and in my first year at my first college when Steven Spielberg's Amazing Stories premiered on NBC.  It had that trademark Spielberg sense of wonder and pretty successfully related the quality of a good story to mid-80's audiences who happily fed on movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark and E.T.  It also showcased the talents of some fine directors such as Clint Eastwood, Bob Clark, Joe Dante, Martin Scorsese, and Robert Zemeckis.  My younger brother and I were faithful viewers of the series, and had particular episodes we really loved.  The one episode among many that stuck out for years in our churning minds was the hilarious misunderstanding of "Mummy Daddy," written by Earl Pomearantz and directed by William Dear (Harry and The Hendersons).

Harold (Tom Harrison) is an actor in full mummy regalia, the feature creature in a film being made in a dark Southern swamp.  His director (Bronson Pinchot) pampers him, but only because he's asked the poor actor to remain in costume, which restricts his speech and causes him to walk stiffly.  Harold suddenly gets word that his wife is in labor at a nearby hospital, so he races off to be at her side.

The thing is, he forgets he's still decked out as an undead pharaoh.

It might sound unusual for a mummy to be a part of the Southern bayou, but a local legend there tells of a traveling circus that visited the area with an evil, real un-life mummy called Ra Amin Ka.  As Harold hurtles towards the hospital, he loses his way and has a run-in with some trigger-happy locals.  Being pursued, he meets up with a kind old blind man, who brushes up against him and, horrified, mistakes him for Ra Amin Ka.  Stumbling into his back room, the old man awakens the real Ra Amin Ka, who sets out after poor Harold. 

After a quick but truly classic "battle" with the real mummy, Harold is captured and nearly hanged before he finally reaches the hospital.  Reunited with his unfazed wife, Harold gives the dumbstruck rednecks the stink-eye as he dotes on his new baby.  Back on the movie set, the director is excited that Harold seems to have returned.  But we know it's Ra Amin Ka, even as they begin to remove the bandages... 

The episode has so many little moments:  Harold freezing in a ridiculous pose to avoid being seen, the rednecks' lack of reasoning skills, the wonderful near-martial-arts battle Harold has with Ra Amin Ka.   Harrison is the real star of this episode (or "chapter").  With limited facial expressions and speech, he conveys everything through mumbles and as much mobility as his makeup will allow.  He sounds exasperated, frustrated, angry, scared, and ultimately happy throughout his misadventure.  A fantastic performance by Harrison, and let's not forget the locals featuring Brion James (Blade Runner and Fifth Element), Tracey Walter (of a million different movies and TV shows), and soon-to-be Seinfeld actors Larry Hankin (the raisin-stealing actor who plays Kramer in the doomed pilot Jerry and George write) and the late Len Lesser (Uncle Leo).

It's, as they say, a rollicking good time.  Light-hearted fun based on a classic movie monster with a twist.  Amazing Stories was a staple of my heady 80's years, a little piece of Spielberg's express train of 80's movie magic on the small screen.

And it's available on Netflix instant.  So there you go.  Start watching, post-haste.  Just have some good, old-fashioned fun.

Troll 2 (1990) It's...It's Like A Gift (plus a bonus review)

There comes a film.

There comes a film each generation that...simply defies logic.  It transcends the simple words "good" or "bad."  Its very existence beckons you to judge it, then spits Gatorade in your face before cartwheeling away.  You're left confused, bewildered, somewhere between horrified and amused, and smelling of lemon-lime.

This, my friends...this is the magical experience that is Troll 2.

I...I almost don't know where to start.  First off, its name implies a sequel.  It is nothing of the sort.  In fact, and this is not a spoiler (spoilers just don't even apply to this thing), there isn't a troll to be found in Troll 2.  Saying you have to see Troll before Troll 2 is like saying you have to eat a Filet-O-Fish before you eat a bag of Skittles.  Does that make sense?  Of course not.  Nothing about this movie does.

It's an Italian film made in rural Utah, directed by the one-of-a-kind Claudio Fragasso (under the name Drake Floyd) and written by Fragasso and his wife, Rosella Drudi.  Fragasso used to write along with Bruno Mattei in such films as the wildly awful-good Hell of the Living Dead (aka Night of the Zombies), and then directed his own fare, such as the strange 80's Alice Cooper vehicle, Monster Dog.  To understand the mind of Fragasso is one of life's grand mysteries.  He considers Troll 2 to be a social commentary masterpiece.

Anyway, the story goes that a bunch of weekend actors showed up at auditions hoping to be extras and were cast as the main characters.  People hoping to be in the next blockbuster, hoping to get their acting careers off the ground, honestly trying to just make it.  Little did they know what they were in for then, and little did they know how some 20 years later, what they were in for in an insanely different direction.

So there is a plot, so let's get right to it.  The Waits, a nice suburban family, have decided to vacation in sunny Nilbog, a remote rural town in the middle of nowhere.  They're exchanging houses...wait...exchanging houses?  Okay...wait...yeah, exchanging houses with a Nilbog family.  Wow.  Along for the ride, sort of, is daughter Holly's boyfriend, Elliot, and his three buddies as they tag along in an RV.  Because RV's were considered cool in the late 80's.

"You can't piss on hospitality!"

Oh, one thing I should mention is that the youngest Waits, Joshua, has regular conversations with his late Grandpa Seth, who was incidentally wise to the ways of magic.  The Astounding Seth, who's sort of a cross between Doctor Strange and Burl Ives, warns Joshua that he must convince his family to leave Nilbog by any means necessary.  Even if it means stopping time so Joshua can position himself to pee all over the food the previous family left, leading to the infamous "you don't piss on hospitality" monologue by papa Michael.  But that urinary spritzer did postpone what the nefarious townspeople have in store for the Waits:  they're really a town full of goblins (Nilbog = goblin...get it?) who are...steady yourself...vegetarian goblins.  The tainted food will magically turn the humans into plants so they can be eaten.  Yeah, you read that right.

Meanwhile, one of Elliot's buddies, Arnold, ventures out and runs into a woman trying to escape a mob of veggie goblins.  After a nasty run-in with the darling little scamps, they make their way to an old house/church where they meet the delightfully wacky druid queen, Creedence Leonore Gielgud, whose monologues ooze with villainous relish.  Some bizarre hospitality later, and the damsel-in-distress is a puddle of chlorophyll goo and a gaggle of goblins is chowing down on her, forcing Arnold to utter - nay, say loudly - the now-infamous "Oh, my God!" line.

"Oh, my GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!"  And yes, that's a scene-stealing fly on his forehead.

Some time later, another of Elliot's buddies, Drew, goes off in search of the town, where he meets some awfully friendly and interesting residents, like the store owner, played by a legitimate patient from a nearby mental hospital.  The store has no meaty foods, but lots of creepy milk.  Drew takes off, but since he has eaten something from the town, he gets fatigued and his shirt magically changes.  Seriously, watch for it.  Before long, Drew stumbles across the same house/church and sees his friend now literally a potted plant.  Most people would probably point, laugh hysterically, and say "Dude!" but Drew tries in vain to drag Arnold out but Creedence rears her verbose head once again.

Hilariously, Grandpa Seth's ghostly head appears to Holly in a "oops, wrong room" moment and later warns Joshua to seriously get the family out of there.  Joshua destroys all the food in a non-urinary way and must later accompany his father to town to hopefully buy more of what passes for food in Nilbog.  While there, he meets the lovely congregation, led by a preacher who looks like Kalibak from Jack Kirby's Fourth World saga from DC Comics...oops, sorry, crossing the streams here.

Kalibak, as created by the honest-to-God genius that was Jack Kirby.

Only now does Poppa Waits start to suspect something's not quite right in Nilbog.  Joshua already had it confirmed when he saw the name of the town reflected in a mirror.  Go ahead, you try it.  When they return home, the entire town is there to greet them with a party of whimsy and vegetable dishes.  Joshua freaks and tries to call Seth but is attacked by Creedence in her less-Tim-Burton-y goblin form.  Wizard Seth shows up, lops off Creedence's hand, and chases her away before instructing Joshua on the fine art of making a Molotov cocktail.  After a little scuffle, the Kalibak-like preacher is killed in the ensuing magic battle, reverting to his own goblin form...finally convincing the family that hm, something's up.  They hole up in the house and try to ride out Hurricane Nilbog.  Oh, yeah, forgot to mention Elliot's with them now.  Why bother with details?

Elliot's last surviving buddy, Brent, has the most un-sexual sexual encounter with Creedence, who puts on her best face and black stockings, and seduces him with an ear of corn.

AN EAR OF CORN!

Kind of like 9 1/2 Weeks, only wackier.

They kiss and popcorn explodes everywhere.  It sounds like a dream I once had.  With Brent now trapped, Creedence can join her little helpers in capturing the Waits, who have summoned The Stupendous Seth with a seance.  Seth is able to pass him an all-important bag that apparently has an "ultimate weapon" in it.  Joshua shows up at Creedence's pad and touches the piece of Stonehenge that provides her power.  Then, with goblins closing in, he reveals the secret weapon:

A BALONEY SANDWICH!

They're vegetarian goblins, remember?  They can't eat meat, so Joshua chows down, chasing off his pursuers.  The Waits and Elliot escape Nilbog and return home for one of those "or is it?" endings that you can file under "funny" and "say what?".

And...scene.

I wanted to stand up and applaud as the end credits ran.  I don't know why.  By all rights, this movie should have made even one of my even temper angry.  But I wasn't angry.  I was astounded at the pure audacity of the movie.  The moxie, if you will.  It shouldn't exist.  But it does.  And it does so with renewed energy.  Though it was released in 1990, it has that distinct 80's "let's make a movie" straight-to-video spirit.  You can't help but chuckle at the script, the delivery of the lines, the "one take is good enough" acting, the costumes, the sets, the evaporation of logic, and priceless presentation.  Troll 2 is now an icon of anti-cinema, beloved for its badness.  And it's something everyone should experience once in their lives.

Now, I alluded to a bonus review.  You can't see Troll 2 without seeing the documentary Best Worst Movie. Released in 2009, nearly 20 years after its magical subject, Best Worst Movie lovingly looks back at Troll 2, headed up by someone who knows the film better than most:  Michael Stephenson, who played young Joshua.  He set out to document the phenomenon of a film considered so incredibly bad, yet finding its cult audience many years later.  He also set out to reconnect with other stars of the film, with some results proving fun and positive, to others revealing a touch of sadness.

The film documents how modern audiences have grown to accept just how bad the film is, and yet love it anyway.  It shows Troll 2 viewings across the nation, from a traveling exhibit by the Alamo Drafthouse to small gatherings to a reunion set up by the Upright Citizens Brigade comedy troupe in New York City.  One of the highlights of the film is surely Alabama dentist George Hardy, who played the father in the film.  He's gone on to be a successful, beloved member of his community and has an undeniable charisma and likeability about him.  Never bitter about the experience, he does grow tired of the attention...but only just a little.  On the other end of the spectrum, Margo Prey (the mother) and Robert Ormsby (Grandpa Seth) seem overwhelmed and lonely in their lives, despite the good memories of working on the film.  Somewhere in the middle, with feelings of happiness and bitterness mixed with some delusion, is director Claudio Fragasso.  He truly believes the film is a masterpiece of social commentary and a true cinematic classic.  Perhaps he's a mad genius all along?

Along with some lovely goblins, you see Robert Ormsby (Seth), George Hardy (Michael Waits), and Michael Stephenson (Joshua Waits).

Best Worst Movie is an interesting and entertaining - and quite positive - companion piece to Troll 2.  Watch one...recover...then watch the other for a well-rounded dip into the wackiness of cult movies, Italian filmmaking, post-80's direct-to-video, and wild cinema abandon.

And if you go to the town of Nilbog, just pack a few baloney sandwiches, and you'll be okay.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009) Oh, This Ought To Be Fun To Write About

I recall first hearing about The Human Centipede (First Sequence) a couple years ago and thought it was an interesting idea:  crazy doctor attaches people at sensitive areas to create one big digestive tract and therefore, a "human centipede."  I imagined it would be something strange, something that would have a hard time making the rounds because really, who'd want to be the distributor who put out something that over-the-top?  Well, IFC Films - as they often do - took the chance and put out this movie here in the United States, and honestly, its bark was worse than its bite.

You'd think that a movie like this, with its wild medical horror premise, would be a big, insane, bloody mess.  It's actually nothing of the sort.  The idea of what's happening to the victims in the film is actually worse than the execution.  Kind of like how the idea of getting punished when you're a kid is often worse than the actual punishment.  The movie isn't what you think it is.

It goes a little like this (some minor spoilers abound):

Two American tourists in Germany, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie), find themselves stranded when their car breaks down.  They stumble across the abode of a real "people person," Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser), who drugs their drinks and confines them to his homemade basement hospital room, which they share with a trapped trucker (Rene de Wit).  Dr. Heiter proclaims the trucker an unfit "match" and quietly kills him by poisoning his IV.  He kidnaps another hapless guy, a Japanese tourist named Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), and sets about creating his special science project for the Mad Scientist Science Fair.  Lindsay almost escapes at one point but is captured.  Her punishment?  To be the "middle section" of the creature Dr. Heiter wants to create - one with one continuous digestive tract.  Yeah, you do the math.

The operation goes as planned and Dr. Heiter has his creature.  He tries to train it to bring him the paper and otherwise be obedient, but come on.  Would you want to take orders after all that?  Before long, Jenny appears to be dying of blood poisoning, with her stitches becoming infected.  Heiter contemplates bringing in some new "segments" just as a pair of policemen show up to question him about some missing tourists.  Heiter is less than honest and just a tad quirky.  He grows a couple of brass ones and actually slips the policemen some of the same knockout drug, although only one ingests it.

The three tourists try to escape, nearly making it out the window after incapacitating Heiter for a time.  Then Katsuro loses the last bit of his mind and takes the glass-shard-to-the-throat way out.  The police return and have a fatal showdown with the crazed Heiter.  Jenny finally succumbs to her infections, leaving Lindsay alone, the middle segment, with everyone dead around her.

That's pretty much it.  It's not overly gory, and the disgusting parts are more hidden or implied rather than "in your face," not to be funny about it.  Okay, that was a little funny.  Anyway, like I said, it's the idea of what the operation is, what it means, and how it plays out that is more stomach-churning than what you actually see.  Don't get me wrong:  this isn't a heart-warming family movie to which you could gather the kids around and eat popcorn and then discuss life lessons when it's over.  It's a gimmick movie and there's no bones about it.

I didn't find it terrible, nor did I find it amazing.  The best part of the whole thing, believe it or not, was the suspense.  Writer/director Tom Six actually does a fine job creating tension in such scenes as the attempted escapes and the final showdown with the police.  Simple but effective use of set and lighting as well as timing made for some very good scenes of suspense that had nothing to do with how disgusting anything was.  The other part I found quite good was the villainous lead of Dr. Heiter as played by the spooky-looking Dieter Laser.  Laser looks emaciated, harsh, and mad in the eyes - he plays Heiter to the hilt.  You truly want to see him get his - just a completely amoral character who only wishes to please his own mega-twisted fantasies.

Bottom line:  The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is not a movie they'll show on ABC Family any time soon.  If you're angry that it exists, well, then don't watch it.  The sequel is apparently everything the first movie isn't and more, and I'll thank the numerous reviewers who threw themselves on the proverbial grenade and watched it.  This first film is not as bad as you might think, but not the end-all be-all of horror films.

Plus, it doesn't really help to watch it just before you go to the hospital for a couple nights.  I was watching everyone who came into my room suspiciously.

Thanks, medical horror movies.

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) All In The Family

I know, I'm sure some reviewer has made that joke-reference somewhere, but hey.

In 2007, Paranormal Activity - in its own way - became the Blair Witch Project of the modern era:  a shoestring-budget picture that became a cash cow.  2010 brought the sequel, Paranormal Activity 2, and it turned out to be very entertaining as well as hinting as a deeper story.  Well, that deeper story came along in 2011's Paranormal Activity 3, and I must say, it was pretty intriguing.

With direction from Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, and written by Christopher Landon, the film begins with a prologue.  Consistent with the semi-parallel storytelling from the first sequel, we're treated to sisters Katie and Kristi (Katie Featherstone and Sprague Grayden reprising their roles) sometime before the craziness really kicks in during the first film.  Katie asks Kristi to store some old stuff, including some old video tapes.  When the house is messed up in the second film, that's when those tapes disappear.  That's when we're taken to the past via tapes from 1988.  Katie and Kristi are little girls, enjoying life with their mother, Julie, and her boyfriend, Dennis, a wedding videographer...convenient, I know.  After an earthquake occurs on-camera (Julie and Dennis were trying to make a "special" tape), Dennis sees a startling image and excitedly begins trying to capture it again.  He sets up his cameras all over the house and reviews the footage the next day.  In one segment, he sees Kristi whispering to someone off-screen where no one should be.  Later, he finds out that she was talking to an imaginary friend, Toby.  Although, Kristi swears he's not imaginary.  In this movie, that's a pretty glaring red flag.

More cameras (the oscillating fan camera is pretty sweet) and more strange things afoot as evidence makes itself pretty known.  The "ghost under the sheet"?  Yeah, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Dennis continues his investigation, and thanks to some "choppy" editing, we never really know the full story of the house and where it sits.  After a terrifying incident with the closet, he discovers an odd symbol drawn inside.  He connects it to an ancient witches' coven that once occupied the area, and he doesn't like the proximity to the girls he thinks of as daughters.  Julie is still skeptical, even when seeing some of the weird stuff herself.  It's when she has a...shall we say...kitchen moment, that she insists they leave and head for her mother's.

They do just that, but Dennis doesn't stop filming.  Good thing, because the camera starts catching little things, like Kristi's seemingly innocent "preparation."  At night, awakened by the sound of arriving cars, Dennis follows Julie into the darkened house.  Along the way, he discovers truths that he would shortly wish he hadn't discovered.  Getting out of the house with his daughters is the priority, but well, it's not a spoiler to say that doesn't happen.  Things that occur in the first two films make sense by the end, and it all comes together if you've paid attention to the clues.

I've always been somewhat lukewarm to the hype that Paranormal Activity but that's the fault of the films.  The more I think about them, the more I do realize their pure entertainment appeal.  It's a simple formula:  cameras set up, things escalate, some truths are uncovered, things get worse, climactic incident, silent denouement.  But sometimes, simplicity is just what's needed.  If the movies strayed too much from the norm, from what works, it would seem to convoluted or even pandering.  I do like the movies, individually and as a trilogy.  I like that the scares are obviously coming - that camera's going to show something and you know it.  I really like the ambient music that slowly creeps into a scene, indicating something's about to happen, but you just don't know when or what it will be.

It's just good fun.  Sometimes that's good enough.

So, hey, until the next time - I do hear there's another sequel in the works - enjoy the trailer, even if it does show a lot of things that don't appear in the theatrical release: