Some Mini-Reviews Since Time Flew By

Yeesh, I had no idea it had been that long since I'd posted anything.  I've got to stop getting distracted by shiny objects.

Let's get caught up with some "mini-reviews," shall we?

Almost Human (2013) - Definitely a shoestring budget and an attempt to recreate the magic of 80's VHS horror and slasher flicks.  It tells the story of what happens when a UFO abductee returns years later and has gone from kindly bearded fellow to homicidal maniac with some new alien body parts.  Good effort but the execution fell a bit short.  Any intrigue melted away and it needed more story.  Nice practical effects, though.

Red State (2011) - Kevin Smith takes an effective journey into non-comedy with a suspense thriller about sees some local boys run afoul of the town's crazy church/cult leader that oddly seems like the funeral-protesting wack-a-doos in real life.  Not as talky as a lot of Smith's other offerings, and don't look for a cameo by Jay and Silent Bob.  Tense storytelling and good performances, especially from Michael Parks as the frustratingly smug leader.

Haunter (2013) - A pleasant surprise, this haunted house mystery sees the story told from the ghost's point of view, much like the awesome I Am A Ghost.  In this case, Abagail Breslin turns in a great performance as the ghost of a murdered girl who comes to the realization that she's dead and tries to awaken her family to the fact as well as prevent an evil spirit from his eternal murder spree.  Good tension and a good story.

Jug Face (2013) - This one really started off on the right foot but didn't go as far as I hoped.  It's the story of a young girl who's part of a backwoods community that worships a pit that has healing properties but also demands a sacrifice.   The likeness of who is to be sacrificed is carved onto a clay jug, but when the girl hides hers, the pit expresses its displeasure.  Fine acting and a creepy vibe made it good but the story felt like it lost steam.

Frankenstein's Army (2013) - A crazy Dutch-American-Czech production set in World War II that follows a group of weary Russian soldiers who follow a distress signal to a small town.  What they find there is insanity as the descendent of Victor Frankenstein says "the hell with it" and sets his insane creations on Ally and Axis alike.  The monster design is tremendous and there's no shortage of blood and guts as the movie descends more and more into utter madness.  I dug it because it wanted to be nuts and it got its wish.

My Bloody Valentine (1981) - Remade just a few years ago, this cult classic came from the old school of matching psychotic killers with holidays.  The residents of a town relive an old nightmare that took place on February 14 when grisly murders pile up as the day grows closer.  Add to that the Eternally Doomed Teen Party and you know the body count rises.  Good 80's wackiness and a murder mystery to boot.

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013) - While I felt the first one went off the rails a bit, yet still told an intriguing story, I felt the second chapter was a little stronger.  The poor Lambert family is back and just when they think they dodged an astral bullet, it's the father who becomes the center of a spiritual attack.  Just the right amount of ghostly and strange, I enjoyed it like I usually enjoy seeing Rose Byrne.

+1 (2013) - An interesting take on a sci-fi standard of what duplicates would do if they met.  A meteor crashes, causing a nearby party to experience a little glitch in the matrix.  Time splits and people meet themselves from a few seconds behind.  An interesting story set on a strange premise with decent performances.  Not a bad choice if you like being weirded out by time and space.

Hellbenders (2012) - With a good cast and a premise that borders on sacrilege, this movie was more fun than it had a right to be.  The Augustine Interfaith Order of Hellbound Saints are a ragtag group of badasses who also happen to be priests of various faiths that sin on purpose on orders of The Pope so that if a demon possesses them during an exorcism, they can kill themselves and drag the demon to Hell.  Good guys who do bad things to prevent the really bad things.  In this flick, they have to stop a runaway Norse demon from pulling Hell up around the world.  Funny and with a touch of honor, the cast is headed by the reliable Clifton Collins Jr. and Clancy Brown.

Willow Creek (2013) - Oh, Willow Creek, how I wanted to like you.  A good director in Bobcat Goldthwait and some really suspenseful moments still added up to a movie that was a hair below "OK."  It's a found footage style movie about a couple setting out to make a documentary about the Patterson Bigfoot sighting and getting much more than they bargained for.  Admittedly, the tent scene is suspense at its best, but the ending left me feeling like the whole thing was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek joke.  Maybe it was, but I was hoping for a little more.

OK, that should just about do it for now.  I gotta stop taking so long between reviews.  Maybe some caffeine would help.

Until next time!

Hatchet (2006) Victor Crowley Needs Decaf

Writer/director Adam Green's Hatchet was supposed to be a return to the roots of the modern slasher, a throwback to the early days in the Friday the 13th and Halloween franchises, among others.  Victor Crowley, the monster antagonist, was supposed to join Jason and Michael in the pantheon of memorable killers of curious movie teens.  It's hard to say if that has actually happened.

Hatchet is a divisive movie.  I have horror blog colleagues that absolutely love it, and others that absolutely hate it.  There are several in between, and I think that's where I stand.  I didn't hate it by any means, but it didn't "wow" me either.  However, the attempt at bringing back that old school flavor was not only noticed, but it is to be commended.  Green brings a certain freshness to the genre, not filling the screen with wild colors and big special effects.  It's a low budget he's working with, and therein lies the energy.  And my readers know I love for a film to have energy.

The plot is straight out of the 80's, and honestly, that's not a bad thing.  Ben (Joel David Moore of Grandma's Boy) is a sad sack whose girlfriend just broke up with him.  His friends try to cheer him up with debauchery in New Orleans, but Ben just isn't into it.  He thinks a ghost tour into the bayous might be more his speed, so he's joined by his buddy, Marcus (Deon Richmond of Not Another Teen Movie).  The original tour's guide (Tony Todd in a hilarious cameo) isn't running tours anymore, so he sends them to another guide, Shawn (Perry Shen).  The two friends join a would-be pornographer named Shapiro (Joel Murray of Mad Men), his two willing "stars" Jenna and Misty (Joleigh Fioravanti and Mercedes McNab), the jaunty Permatteos (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo), and a mysterious young woman named Marybeth (Tamara Feldman) as they head into the swamp.

There's a local legend about a deformed child who was accidentally killed during a fire caused by local bullies.  Seems Victor Crowley's father tried chopping down the door with a hatchet, and it hit Victor in the head.  But we know Victor is still roaming the woods and not willing to share some of that deep South hospitality.  Marybeth knows this as well, as she is searching for her lost father and brother (Robert Englund of Nightmare on Elm Street and Joshua Leonard of The Blair Witch Project), who met with a bloody end at Victor's hands in the prologue.  Shawn, who's neither a very good tour guide nor a very good boat captain, manages to sink the ship by running it into some rocks.  The tourists are stranded in Victor's woods just a stone's throw from Victor's house.

Let's just say Victor's a stickler for property boundaries.

"Get off my lawn!"

The enormous Victor (Kane Hodder, who has played Jason Voorhees a million times) bursts out of the house and sets about slaughtering the tourists with such over-the-top methods as the "twist top kill" and the "Pez dispenser kill" and the "I-really-hate-your-shoulder-old-man hatchet kill."  Victor is a force of nature:  pure strength and manic energy.  He's not one for stealth.  He just comes in like a Tasmanian Devil on Red Bull and starts ripping and chopping until the final scene. 

And that ending.  Yeah, I can see where it has something in common with the way the original Friday the 13th ended...sort of.  Still, if there wasn't a sequel planned, it was just a little bit too abrupt for my tastes.  Others may like it...hell, some people love it.  That's fine, but I'm just going by my own preferences here.

Hatchet was pretty good, but for me, it wasn't the new savior of retro-flavored slasher flicks.  It was pretty standard, but with a little more flair in terms of dialogue and direction.  To me, those were the strong points.  The snappy dialogue, especially coming from Deon Richmond, infused the movie with some verbal lightning.  Adam Green showed quite a bit of creativity and, yes, energy in his direction. Working extremely well with a low budget, Green is definitely paying homage to the teens-in-the-woods monster slasher.  It's straightforward and unflinching in its gore, which is so wild that you're more amused than disgusted or even scared.  It was fun, but I would hesitate to call it the movie that returned American horror to glory.  And don't think I hated it because I didn't - I thought it was pretty good, but really, that's about it in my humble opinion.

But hey, judge for yourself. All I know is, if I'm ever in New Orleans again, I'm sticking to the craziness on Bourbon Street and staying far away from the bayou ghost tours.

Sleepaway Camp (1983) or The Movie That I Watched Over Two Years

OK, so I couldn't resist using that old chestnut of a joke in the title. It didn't really take me long to watch the movie, but I started it in the last throes of 2009 and finished it at the end of New Years Day, 2010. It's an old joke, and not a good one, so let's not dwell on that, shall we?

I'm a child of the 80's, that much has always been evident. My formative years were spent in a neon and day-glo haze, as I railed against preppies and cherished my toaster-sized Walkman with its tape of Asia's first album. The 80's were a great time to experience horror films, especially in the slasher genre. Those types of movies exploded so fast and furious, they eventually became parodies of themselves. But mixed in among that slew of films that came out, with their increasingly creative ways of offing the cannon fodder, there were some real classics and some real memorable pieces of work.

WARNING: Spoilers lurk ahead, especially towards the end.

Sleepaway Camp was one of those memorable pieces of work. It never really seems serious, but has a shocking undertone. It's a little like Meatballs done as a juicy murder mystery with a twist. Directed by Robert Hiltzik, it's a great mirror into my past...only without the murder, psychosis, and by GOD I didn't wear those shorts. Honest. Except for gym class. Damn it, didn't want to admit that.

The movie begins with a prologue, standard in its way for horror films as it sets up our premise. A horrible boating accident caused by inattentive, dumbass teenagers takes the lives of two innocent people, one a child. The other child in the boat is sent to live with relatives, including cousin Ricky and his ultra-kooky mom, Martha.

Flash forward eight years, and Martha is sending off Ricky and Angela to camp. Angela is quiet and reserved, to the point of practically being a statue. Ricky is fiercely defensive of Angela and is constantly there to protect her, no matter the size or number of antagonists. It doesn't take long for trouble to start when Angela is cornered by the creepiest cook in all of moviedom, Artie. Artie's soliloquy about the incoming young girls at the camp is enough to make you want to sandpaper your mind. Not long after Ricky rescues Angela, someone forces a pot of boiling liquid and Artie to meet, sending the massive creep off to the hospital with massive injuries. Camp owner Mel gets the staff to keep the incident quiet, and camp goes on as normal in the 80's.

Just two All-American kids. No problems here, right?

At a social event later in the day, and after Ricky and his fellow younger campers had won a baseball game against the meaner older kids, Angela is again accosted by some of those same older kids. She's quiet, staring with big dark eyes, and never fights back. Ricky defends her, getting into a fight, which is quickly broken up. Ricky's buddy Paul, a seemingly decent kid, takes a shine to Angela and actually breaks through her wall a little just by being an OK guy.

During some camp shenanigans, a douchebag camper named Kenny lures a girl out onto the lake on his canoe. His real canoe, that wasn't a euphemism. After some horseplay, the canoe tips and the girl swims to shore. Kenny pops up under the overturned boat and finds he's not alone. Whoever it is shoves him under the water, drowning him. Mel's really starting to stress at this point, but he thinks he's got it under control.

Later, after Angela is pelted with water balloons, Ricky goes ballistic and lets loose with a tirade against the leader of the boy bullies, Billy. Billy later has an unfortunate bathroom experience when someone locks him in the stall and drops a bee's nest into it. Those must have been some fierce bees, as Billy is given the dreaded WICKER MAN REMAKE FACE O' BEES.

Mel starts to lose his shit, and is pretty sure that Ricky is the one behind the murders, since they're connected to the bullying of Angela. Meanwhile, Angela and Paul grow a little closer and he starts making moves on her, hoping for a little make-out session on the beach. Ah, those romantic 80's. Angela freaks out during a memory of her father and his gay lover, and runs away, which confuses the pseudo-nice guy. The next day, camp trollop Judy successfully gets a kiss out of Paul in front of Angela, which sends the poor girl running again. Paul's pissed at himself as well as Judy, and tries to apologize repeatedly to Angela. No sooner does he leave the scene when Judy and Meg really tear into Angela, eventually throwing her in the lake. Mel confronts Ricky, who's frantic to save Angela. He helps her, but by now, even the little kids are throwing sand at the poor, quiet girl. Ricky swears vengeance. Vengeance, I tell you.

Meg, after making a Creepy Date with Mel, hops in the shower in a nearby empty cabin. Yeah, that's always a formula for success in a slasher film. Sure enough, here comes someone with a knife, who slices a deep line right down Meg's back. Guess no date with Mel.

Later, at another dance, Paul tries again to reconcile with Angela. She tells him to meet her at the beach, and Paul is excited. Meanwhile, in another part of the camp, the little kids are attempting to have a night in the woods, but a couple of them can't handle the big, bad outdoors and want to go back. When the counselor returns to the campsite, he finds the ones left behind filleted in their sleeping bags. And let's not forget Judy, who dies a death by curling iron. It is implied that said curling iron is introduced to a body part better left unsaid. Ouch.

Meg's body is found, and Mel goes off the deep end. He pulls Ricky into the woods and bludgeons him into oblivion, leaving him for dead. Right about then, the real killer finds Mel and fires an arrow into his Adam's apple. There, now Mel can drool over Meg in the afterlife, if there's a special room there for creeps.

Oblivious to the danger, Paul finally meets Angela on the beach. She's really opening up now, telling him she's ready to go swimming, which is a pretty big step given her fear of the water. Angela tells Paul to remove his clothing, which is the greenest of lights to the adolescent male.

The camp's in a tizzy now with bodies coming out the faded woodwork. The search for others goes into the woods and to the beach, where two counselors find Angela, rocking back and forth and humming a sweet little tune. Paul's head is in her lap. Literally. Paul's head is in her lap. Here, we're treated to a flashback. Turns out this isn't really an Angela...it's Peter, who survived the boat accident at the beginning. Aforementioned kook-on-wheels Martha decided she didn't want to raise another boy, so made Peter into Angela, her new "daughter."

Lady, you're not helping things.

Angela finally stands and reveals herself...himself...in full, unseeable glory. The expression on Angela/Peter's face is so wonderfully disturbing, that will actually haunt you more than the full body shot, trust me.

Well, there go any dreams of unicorns and rainbows tonight.

Sleepaway Camp is over-the-top glee that approaches parody, but doesn't quite cross over into that territory. That's a fine line to walk. Felissa Rose is, I think, brilliant as Angela. At one point, bully Meg is practically driven to hysterics because Angela won't respond to her needling. Angela just...stares. Big, dark eyes just unwavering. Every emotion is subtle from the introversion to the brink of madness and beyond. Well done, Felissa, well done. I'm glad to know she's still very active, as shown on her website.

80's slashers were a special breed. Special enough to deserve its own genre label. This movie was a trip - every line was delivered with such relish. I'd call it overacting, but hell, you can't blame them. It seemed like the cast was having a good time.

And how could you not in those shorts?