The Thing (1982) A Classic From A Classic

And here's yet another in my unofficial "Why Haven't I Reviewed This Yet?" series.

I mean, seriously:  John Carpenter is one of my favorite directors of all time, and probably my favorite director during the 80's along with Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner.  I've already reviewed Prince of Darkness and In The Mouth of Madness here, as well as Big Trouble In Little China as a guest on another blog.  It should be a foregone conclusion that I'd review Carpenter's first entry in his "Apocalypse Trilogy" from 1982, The Thing.  Hell, I should've reviewed this one before reviewing the not-so-bad 2011 prequel...um...The Thing.  Yeah, I know, that's a lot of linkage there.

Carpenter's The Thing was a juggernaut in the VHS era.  I can't begin to tell you how often I rented/borrowed it.  It had that "oh, man, you gotta SEE it" vibe years after it came out.  Its reputation preceded it when I first settled in to watch it in 1984 (the turnaround for movies was a little slower back then, plus I'd spent a year in Sweden as an exchange student, limiting my renting abilities).  Plate of beefy nachos in hand, I was enthralled and filled with adrenaline.  This movie was going to GROSS (according to my friends) and filled with groundbreaking practical effects by the legendary Rob Bottin (with significant input by another legend, Stan Winston), it definitely filled that quota.

Now imagine this friendly fellow hanging from your ceiling as you fall asleep.  You're welcome.

U.S. Outpost #31 is a research facility in the sunny locale of Antartica.  A lone dog, chased by a pair of frantic Norwegian men, seeks refuge and as a result of crazy desperation and a language barrier, its pursuers are killed.  You just know the dog is hiding something, and if you translate what one of the Norwegian men shouts, you get much of the plot right there.  Strange things begin happening when the the dog reveals its true nature, assimilating several dogs before apparently being stopped.  R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russell) leads an expedition to the Norwegian outpost, finding evidence that something had ravaged the researchers there.  And hey, if you watch the 2011 prequel, you get to see how it all happened.

Back at the camp, Blair (Wilford Brimley) deduces that the creature can assimilate other living beings.  That's when the paranoia really kicks in.  Who can trust whom?  Things (slight pun intended) get really crazy from here on out, and if you haven't seen the film, what are you waiting for?  You've got a creature that is comprised of individual creatures in a conglomerate building possessing a modified hive mind.  It can be separate creatures, but with one purpose and drive.  MacReady and his colleagues go from guys who work together to guys who don't know who's going to assimilate them at a moment's notice.

You get to see a guy suddenly grow a mouth on his belly while trying to be revived.  You see a blood test like no other - hey, even the blood is a freakin' "Thing."  You see guys who you think are just fine change into bloodthirsty alien demons while tied to a couch.  You just don't know who is who, right down to the final frames.  One of the biggest mysteries of Carpenter's film is the ending.  Are we seeing who we think we're seeing?  The answer is given somewhat in the prequel, if you know where to look, but even that is up to interpretation.

Carpenter used a classic novella ("Who Goes There?" by John W. Campbell Jr.) and the classic 1951 sci-fi film (The Thing From Another World from directors Christian Nyby and Howard Hawks) as inspiration and stirred them up with the earmarks of a closed-room mystery to create what has become a true cult classic.  The Antarctic itself stands as the "closed room," with escape not an easy option.  Hell, it's practically impossible with the weather and terrain.  Then add to that the fact that if anyone actually leaves, he may be carrying the Thing with him.  The creature can appear as anyone, so there's your "it can be anyone" trait that the classic whodunnits and closed-room mysteries have.

Kurt Russell is a standout among intense performances, adding another to his list of great tough-guy heroes that he portrayed during the 80's like Snake Plissken and Jack Burton.  He's steady and reliable, but still paranoid enough that he isn't superhuman.  He makes mistakes just like anyone else, as Clark (Richard Masur) finds out.

The Thing is a classic, with tight direction from Carpenter and a moody soundtrack from Ennio Morricone.  It is, as my subtitle suggests, a classic from a classic - similar but different enough to stand well on its own.  If you've never seen it, take it in the way I did when I first saw it:  full of anticipation with a plate full of beef nachos.  And hey, if you can fully recreate my experience by seeing it on VHS, I tip my Phillies cap to you.

Now here, please enjoy the trailer:

Hatchet (2006) Victor Crowley Needs Decaf

Writer/director Adam Green's Hatchet was supposed to be a return to the roots of the modern slasher, a throwback to the early days in the Friday the 13th and Halloween franchises, among others.  Victor Crowley, the monster antagonist, was supposed to join Jason and Michael in the pantheon of memorable killers of curious movie teens.  It's hard to say if that has actually happened.

Hatchet is a divisive movie.  I have horror blog colleagues that absolutely love it, and others that absolutely hate it.  There are several in between, and I think that's where I stand.  I didn't hate it by any means, but it didn't "wow" me either.  However, the attempt at bringing back that old school flavor was not only noticed, but it is to be commended.  Green brings a certain freshness to the genre, not filling the screen with wild colors and big special effects.  It's a low budget he's working with, and therein lies the energy.  And my readers know I love for a film to have energy.

The plot is straight out of the 80's, and honestly, that's not a bad thing.  Ben (Joel David Moore of Grandma's Boy) is a sad sack whose girlfriend just broke up with him.  His friends try to cheer him up with debauchery in New Orleans, but Ben just isn't into it.  He thinks a ghost tour into the bayous might be more his speed, so he's joined by his buddy, Marcus (Deon Richmond of Not Another Teen Movie).  The original tour's guide (Tony Todd in a hilarious cameo) isn't running tours anymore, so he sends them to another guide, Shawn (Perry Shen).  The two friends join a would-be pornographer named Shapiro (Joel Murray of Mad Men), his two willing "stars" Jenna and Misty (Joleigh Fioravanti and Mercedes McNab), the jaunty Permatteos (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo), and a mysterious young woman named Marybeth (Tamara Feldman) as they head into the swamp.

There's a local legend about a deformed child who was accidentally killed during a fire caused by local bullies.  Seems Victor Crowley's father tried chopping down the door with a hatchet, and it hit Victor in the head.  But we know Victor is still roaming the woods and not willing to share some of that deep South hospitality.  Marybeth knows this as well, as she is searching for her lost father and brother (Robert Englund of Nightmare on Elm Street and Joshua Leonard of The Blair Witch Project), who met with a bloody end at Victor's hands in the prologue.  Shawn, who's neither a very good tour guide nor a very good boat captain, manages to sink the ship by running it into some rocks.  The tourists are stranded in Victor's woods just a stone's throw from Victor's house.

Let's just say Victor's a stickler for property boundaries.

"Get off my lawn!"

The enormous Victor (Kane Hodder, who has played Jason Voorhees a million times) bursts out of the house and sets about slaughtering the tourists with such over-the-top methods as the "twist top kill" and the "Pez dispenser kill" and the "I-really-hate-your-shoulder-old-man hatchet kill."  Victor is a force of nature:  pure strength and manic energy.  He's not one for stealth.  He just comes in like a Tasmanian Devil on Red Bull and starts ripping and chopping until the final scene. 

And that ending.  Yeah, I can see where it has something in common with the way the original Friday the 13th ended...sort of.  Still, if there wasn't a sequel planned, it was just a little bit too abrupt for my tastes.  Others may like it...hell, some people love it.  That's fine, but I'm just going by my own preferences here.

Hatchet was pretty good, but for me, it wasn't the new savior of retro-flavored slasher flicks.  It was pretty standard, but with a little more flair in terms of dialogue and direction.  To me, those were the strong points.  The snappy dialogue, especially coming from Deon Richmond, infused the movie with some verbal lightning.  Adam Green showed quite a bit of creativity and, yes, energy in his direction. Working extremely well with a low budget, Green is definitely paying homage to the teens-in-the-woods monster slasher.  It's straightforward and unflinching in its gore, which is so wild that you're more amused than disgusted or even scared.  It was fun, but I would hesitate to call it the movie that returned American horror to glory.  And don't think I hated it because I didn't - I thought it was pretty good, but really, that's about it in my humble opinion.

But hey, judge for yourself. All I know is, if I'm ever in New Orleans again, I'm sticking to the craziness on Bourbon Street and staying far away from the bayou ghost tours.

Monsters (2010) Is There Beauty In The Beast?

If there's anything I love in the realm of film, it's when filmmakers use every single cent of a tiny budget and make something look like a few million bucks.

Enter 2010's Monsters, written and directed by Gareth Edwards. I knew it was low-budget, but that phrase doesn't scare me away. You can have low-budget that's really bad, but then you have low-budget where it looks like the people involved really went out and tried to make something special. Whether they did or not doesn't really matter, actually. The passion and creativity are there, and that's what important...and maybe leads to bigger and better things.

The story is your basic road story with twists appropriate for the genre. Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able, a real-life couple at the time, play world-weary photographer Andrew Kaulder and Samantha Wynden, daughter of Kaulder's boss, a magazine magnate. Kaulder is tasked with getting Samantha out of Mexico after a disaster destroys her hotel. Oh, and the disaster? A very large, spider-octopus-lookin' thing that could easily have been a star in an H. P. Lovecraft story.

Seems that six years before the movie begins, a probe was sent into space. It crashed back to Earth carrying something...well, many somethings...that grew into these destructive creatures. The new residents of our world are contained in an "infection zone," right about at the border of Mexico and the United States. And, before you start reading political undertones into the movie, Gareth Edwards has stated that there were no such undertones - it's simply where the story is set. So get any political mumbo-jumbo out of your head right away. Some of us watch movies to be entertained, not comb through them for liberal/conservative "secret agendas." Simmer down.

Now, Samantha's dad hired Andrew to get her out of there, but complications arise. Ferries to and from the coast are shutting down due to the creatures' migration patterns. Tickets cost $5000 apiece. Andrew loses Samantha's passport. The only way home is straight through the infected zone.

The film chronicles their journey from the heart of Mexico back home to the United States, and the perils in between. They have several run-ins with the creatures, including one that kills or chases off their armed escort. On their own, and bonding closer and closer along the way, they reach the US of A, only to find the border wall is wide-open, and towns in Texas are being evacuated. They hole up in a gas station and come to terms with their personal lives: Samantha is engaged to someone she doesn't love, and Andrew has a son at home that he loves, but isn't allowed to be his father.

The gas station sequence is really something I enjoyed. Two creatures arrive and after a tense moment, the main characters watch - mesmerized and brimming with emotion - as the two enormous "monsters" communicate and gently caress each other, biological electricity flashing through their bodies in the night. It's a well-done scene, meant to be beautiful, and I imagine I would have the same reaction if I saw something like that at night near my corner gas station. Lucky me, I usually get to see the oblivious schlub picking his nose while he pumps mid-grade.

Monsters is very low-key. It's narrative is slow and deliberate, not meant for shocks and thrills. The "monster" scenes are meant to be tense, but it's never jump-out-of-your-seat stuff. The acting is natural, never forced - Andrew and Samantha come across as real, average people. Everyone else is pretty much an extra...seriously. They used people who were right there to play people...um...right there.

I wouldn't call Monsters scary, but I'd call it a damn fine effort in making a low-budget, good-looking film.

Oh, and pay close attention to the very beginning and the very end of the movie. Neat little storytelling device there...

Until next time, fellow survivors, pray our own "border walls" hold - the undead are getting pretty relentless...

Monster (2008) Surprised They Didn't Call It "Grovershield"

You know, I probably should have known what I was getting into.

Maybe it was because I had devoted nearly all of my brain capacity to studying for the two Praxis tests. Maybe it was the constant groans of the undead finally shutting off my common sense. Maybe I just wanted to poke myself with a stick to see if it would hurt.

It did. But I can look back on it and laugh now.

The Asylum is known for putting out so much cheese, it should be served with wine. Wine from a box. They are the company behind Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus, starring Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. I don't make this stuff up, folks. I can totally get behind a movie idea like that, I'm not afraid to say. They're also known for "copying" blockbuster films into lesser versions of themselves - "mockbusters" - like a funhouse mirror that makes you look like a cheap knock-off of yourself. Kind of like if Steve Zahn looked into a mirror and saw me. I can get behind a certain, knowing "wink" to major blockbusters, but they appear to lack originality even in copying other films. Still, it's kind of fun to see what films they pay "tribute" to: Transformers becomes Transmorphers, The Day The Earth Stood Still becomes The Day The Earth Stopped, and so forth. They even did Titanic 2, for crying out loud! Ow, my sides!

Monster is a direct knock-off of Cloverfield, which as you may know, is a "found footage" style telling of a monster invasion as seen through a first-person lens. And when I say "direct knock-off," I am absolutely not kidding. Cloverfield is about a group of young people filming their escape from New York City after a monster invades from the sea. Monster is about two young sisters filming their escape from Tokyo after a monster invades from maybe the sea. The similarities just keep coming...

Mysterious explosion caught on camera to start the carnage? Check.

Lengthy lead-up to instigation of action? Check.

"I think I saw something [in all the smoke/fire]" line of dialogue? Check.

"We have to record this so people will KNOW" line of dialogue? Check.

The monster seems to be around every corner and down every street? Check.

On-camera apologies and goodbyes to parents? Check. Oh, wait, that's The Blair Witch Project. But it's here, too.

There are other wonderful surprises, though, not owing anything to any other movie:

* The deus ex machina American character, Justin, who arrives from the 70's just in time to explain things in English to our main characters.

* The presence of caves in mid-town Tokyo.

* "That's the first time I've ever seen a dead body" - said about a random guy on the street, even though Justin died just a few minutes before that, and apparently right in front of them.

* The "improvised" dialogue with lines like, "This tunnel will take us right to the streets of downtown Tokyo."

* The video cut-outs, which seem really varied and randomly-placed. I didn't know a video camera could cut out in so many ways. I thought it just, you know, cut out.

* The lack of any payoff shots of the monster, which seems to be a series of tentacles flailing through the air and a distant roar that sounds like someone trying to start a conversation, "uuuhhhhmmmm!"

* The beautiful instance of bustling people just milling about the streets despite the fact an omnipresent octopus trying to get a word in edgewise is destroying their city. In one scene, they do start running, but it isn't until one of those yawning roars sounds off. Why weren't they already in a mad dash for the hills?

* The ending. Well, it is an ending because it just stops.

So many things. So, so many things. In my head, I was hearing the angelic voices of these guys:


My heroes.

If only they could've swooped in and rescued me, but I suppose hearing their jabs and barbs in my head was good enough. Hey, they can even make a poor cat in a wedding dress seem less sad.



Was Monster a complete bomb? I can't speak for anyone else, and since it's my opinion, I'd say it's as close to a complete bomb as I've seen in quite a while. Still, it's no Hardly Working*. The two leads, Sarah Lynch and Erin Sullivan, weren't all that bad and genuinely seemed to be trying. I can't fault them for that. I also ate a really good soft pretzel during the viewing, so there was that.

* My best buddy in college and I would always use this insanely bad Jerry Lewis movie as a measuring stick for movies that were the opposite of good.

I get that sometimes there needs to be "ironic tributes" to modern blockbusters. I can get behind doing a tongue-in-cheek near-parody of a film, but I think this movie is not that. There's a hope that the novice film-renter will pick it up because it either looks like the real thing, or "looks close enough." It's the film equivalent of that relative who knew you wanted the Mr. Spock doll for your birthday, but got you the Mr. Rock doll instead.

"Live many years and thrive."

Ah, well.

Still, I don't feel angry about the experience. Every so often, it's fun to have a go at a film that just cries out for the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. Or, as The Asylum might call it, Mystery Science Moviehouse 2500.

Never stop doing what you do, Asylum. Please.

Until next time, fellow survivors, don't let the unseen octopus get YOU down.