Carriers (2009) *cough* Uh-Oh

Oh, just the perfect movie to watch when you have a sore throat. A cough comes along and you think, "aw, hell..."

Carriers is a fine little film that sported one of 2009's breakout stars in Chris Pine (the new Captain Kirk in Star Trek) and a familiar face that makes me sigh, Piper Perabo (witness my sighs in my review of The Cave), and it's directed by brothers Alex and David Pastor. Most people who know me know that I - for some macabre reason - loves me my infection horror. The antagonist is usually an unseen enemy - microbe or virus - that turns regular folk into antagonists themselves. That's what lies at the heart of Carriers: the notion that paranoia and mistrust elevate to insane levels when the instinct for survival meets a superflu epidemic.

When the film begins, the country, and possibly the world, is deep in the throes of some kind of virulent superflu. We're introduced to four college-age kids tooling along the back roads of the near-southwest: brash Brian (Pine), his girlfriend Bobby (Perabo), Brian's brother Danny (Lou Taylor Pucci), and Danny's friend Kate (Emily Van Camp of "Brothers And Sisters"). They're on their way to Turtle Beach on the west coast, specifically a place where Brian and Danny spent their summers. As evident in the choppy home movie clips that start the film, it's place that holds a special place in their hearts. There, they plan to wait out the epidemic.

The back roads are smooth until they come across a desperate father, Frank (Christopher Meloni) and his sick daughter Jodie (Kiernan Shipka, who plays Sally Draper on "Mad Men"). Frank just wants some gas to get his daughter to a school in a nearby town where it's rumored a cure has been found. Brian doesn't trust him, citing his "survival rules," and tries to gun it past him, only to smash up the oil pan. Hanging their surgically-masked heads in shame, the quartet is forced to march back to Frank and Jodie to ask for their help. A compromise is reached by sealing off the very back of the SUV with plastic, keeping Jodie's sickness contained.

They reach the school and discover to their horror that no cure has been found. The serum staved off the sickness for three days, but that was about it. The doctor (Mark Moses, Duck on "Mad Men") is providing euthanasia punch to the children there, saying one of the heaviest lines of dialogue in the movie: "Sometimes choosing life is just choosing a more painful death." Despite Frank's pleas, the doctor slowly goes about his grim duty.

Meanwhile, outside in the SUV, Bobby has been babysitting the weak Jodie. When Jodie begins choking, Bobby goes against the rules and opens the plastic to help her. Good motive, bad move. Jodie coughs a spatter of blood into Bobby's face and the realization is instant. The look on Bobby's face tells it all: infected. Her basic survival instinct kicking in, Bobby tries to cover it up, hiding all evidence of what just happened.

In one of the saddest scenes of the movie, I thought, a defeated Frank escorts his daughter to a bathroom, knowing full well that they will be left behind by the others. He expects it and even accepts it. He engages Jodie in a rendition of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" as the others leave them to their fate.

Trying to find a place to sleep and maybe relax, the four find a golf resort and, after a close call with a haz-mat-suited corpse in the pool, decide to have a little fun on the course. Smashing windows with long drives, it's revealed to the viewer that the resort is already spoken for, as one of the rooms is prepped for paranoid living. Could this just be the room of the corpse in the pool? Not if the radio calling for him is any indication. Outside, Bobby remains distant, but panics when Brian forces a kiss on her.

And now a picture of Piper Perabo, because I said so.

Mr. Pool Corpse's buddies return and track down the four, and there's a standoff. Tensions flare when one of the survivalists tells the girls to strip and that they're staying while they'll let the guys leave. Kind of like in 28 Days Later, this isn't looking good. Suddenly, everyone panics. Bobby, her shirt off now, shows signs of infection with rashes and bruises on her left side. The survivalists demand they all leave now, so the quartet hurries into the SUV and they're gone.

It's not a happy escape, though, as you might guess. No one wants to talk about the fart in the car, so to speak. Hell, they're even hanging their heads out the window. At an abandoned gas station, the situation is finally addressed. Danny and Kate talk about it, but Brian is the one who goes through with it, pulling Bobby from the vehicle and leaving her behind. The sight of Bobby weeping hysterically in the middle of the road as she shrinks from view is utterly heartbreaking.

The whole experience sets Brian off the deep end. He's withdrawn and morose, and really, who can blame him? But he really takes the crazy cake when he cuts off another survivor's car, practically causing an accident. Danny tries the peaceful route, pleading with them to help him "and his pregnant wife." Brian coldly shoots the driver and engages the passenger in a short gun battle, killing her after being wounded in the leg. Remember, dear readers: no hospitals.

Stopping at a boarded-up farmhouse, Danny slips inside for medical supplies and is greeted by two corpses, one of which is being dined upon by the family German shepherd. Danny is forced to kill the dog when it lunges for him, but he manages to pick up some pain pills for Brian. When he asks Brian to see the wound so he can assess the damage, the real damage is evident: Brian is infected. Rashes run up and down his legs.

Later, during a rest stop, Kate convinces Danny that they should leave the delirious and dying Brian behind. Brian isn't going down without a fight, though. He reveals he has been doing all the dirty work - starting with abandoning the sick parents Danny thought were already dead. And now, he holds the keys - literally - to Danny and Kate's escape. His sad duty finally clear, Danny shoots and kills his own brother.

Danny and Kate silently drive the rest of the way to Turtle Beach, but it's not a cheery drive full of show tunes and games of Punch Bug. The beach hotel that held so many memories and symbolized hope is now just an old motel, abandoned by the disease. You'd think maybe Danny and Kate would grow closer, but there's no indication of this. In fact, Danny muses on facing his future "truly alone," as we're treated to old home movies of he and Brian during happier times.

It's a well-acted, grim movie, the darker mirror image of the same year's comedic apocalypse film Zombieland. There's traveling and a set of rules to live by, but there aren't any laughs in Carriers. It's the dark side of what we are, animals just trying to survive. Look at the German shepherd in the movie. Probably a devoted pet at one time, but forced by hunger and desperation to feed on its own owner, lying long dead in the bed. So that begs the big question:

What would you do to survive?

Seriously, what would you do? Would you be peaceful negotiator or violent taker? Would you be loyal to your friends, or would you drop them in a second to save yourself? What would you really do?

Therein lies the real mystery. And the real horror.

But remember, my dear fellow survivors, there's always a party in my shelter...just don't get so drunk you wander outside the gate. You know what's out there.

The Cave (2005) - I Was Due For A Snoozer

After white-knuckling it through four amazing French extreme films where the bar for cinematic tension was raised to new levels for me, I knew the adrenaline high wouldn't last forever. I was due for a rest stop, the movie equivalent of a light snooze, and with 2005's The Cave, I found it.

I'm not entirely sure why I wanted to see this movie, really. It might have been for (unfair) comparisons to The Descent, which is similar in that it takes place in a cave and there is pursuit by ugly little things. It might have been the fact that the idea of being trapped underground - or worse in an underground body of water - is truly frightening to me on levels I can't imagine. It might have been the fact that Piper Perabo is in the movie, and that was all I needed.

She's in this movie? Fine, I'll give it a chance.

I'll address those right now: The Descent is the superior movie between these, and they really shouldn't be compared as they're two different films altogether...I'll mention my total letdown in the tension department later...and yes, Piper Perabo played a major part in my choosing this movie. There, I admit it.

The Cave was directed by Bruce Hunt and has admittedly what I thought would be a great cast: Cole Hauser (Dazed and Confused), Morris Chestnut (the recent "V" remake), Eddie Cibrian ("CSI: Miami"), Daniel Dae Kim ("Lost"), and the aforementioned Miss Perabo (Coyote Ugly) among others. It was an interesting cast, and I thought there would be some diverse acting styles and dialogue, but...I don't know.

The plot is pretty basic: group goes into cave, gets trapped, picked off one by one by darkness-dwelling creatures. Thank you, good night! Remember to tip your waiters and waitresses.

That said, the recap might be a bit short so maybe I'll spice it up. To start, we're treated to a prologue which sees a group of cavers in the Carpathian Mountains enter an old abbey to explore the cave network below it. Well, less enter than blow a hole in the floor that swallows them up. Oh, and sets of an avalanche from the mountain behind the abbey, which obliterates the church. I guess one of the things this expedition forgot was a demolition expert. That's "expert."

Cut ahead about 30 years and your typical old college professor Dr. Nicolai (Vlad Radescu) along with his associate Kathryn (Lena Headey) explore the site as they are among a group of scientists who believe there's an entirely undiscovered ecosystem in the vast network of caves. They hire Jack and his crack team of battle-hardened superheroes. Okay, well, they're not superheroes, and they're not really battle-hardened. In fact, they are all quite pretty. For a roll call, we've got leader Jack (Hauser), his brother the hot-headed Tyler (Cibrian), rock climber Charlie (Perabo), survival guy Top (Chestnut), scout Briggs (Rick Ravanello), and sonar mapper Strode (Kieran Darcy-Smith). The final piece in the cannon fodder puzzle is photographer Alex (Dae Kim). They're confident and excited to head into the cave system. I mean, wouldn't you be if it was as WELL LIT as this one was? Sigh.

Piper is concerned that I have mentioned her far too often in this blog.

Well, anyway, Briggs scouts ahead, finds them a second base camp and encounters some of the local wildlife: a fearsome naked mole that looks like a scab with legs. Maybe "fearsome" is not the word. Let's try "adorable." Communications cut off and everyone is worried that the moles have, I don't know, tickled Briggs to death. They set off to the new base camp. On the way there, group genius Strode is distracted by some underwater creature that snakes by him. I've seen pictures of moray eels. I don't want to chase one under a mile of rock in some subterranean death trap. Thankfully, these tunnels are so WELL LIT. Strode surfaces to find half-eaten cave moles and another larger, toothier creature which decides he is more the cut of meat it wants. In his dying throes, Strode manages to let his whatever-they're-called, water scooter, loose to crash and explode against the cave walls. The resulting rockslide effectively traps the party.

Looking for a way out, Jack encounters a nest full of albino scorpions (which were actually pretty badass) and another of the bigger, meaner creatures. He manages to escape, but he's scratched up pretty badly. Now they know they're up against something the Knights Templar apparently battled centuries ago, according to local legend. Supposedly demons, but some scientific research tells a different story. Kathryn discovers an aggressive parasite on the claw Jack cut off his attacker, and also on some regular ol' wildlife. As they search for a way out, Jack is feeling the effects of the scratches: he's erratic, his senses are kicked up a notch. He's...changing. In one of the few cool touches of the movie, his pupils take on a star-like shape. Kathryn gets it: he's changing into one of the creatures. They aren't simply evolved monsters. They're the previous expedition! "How?" you ask, so anxiously I can sense it. Simple: it's the parasite. It mutates living things to adapt rapidly to living in any environment. Wow, I hope these things don't get out of their WELL LIT home.

On their way down a keen water slide to another underwater lake, Dr. Nicolai gets hung up on some rocks. The guy can't even body surf down a water slide, for crying out loud. He's like some kid getting stuck on the carpet slide at the local fair. Two things I kept waiting for during the water slide scene: a sad trombone for Dr. Nicolai and One-Eyed Willie's ship from The Goonies at the bottom. I was deprived of both.

Nicolai finally tumbles to the bottom somehow, and is immediately set on by a demon-thing with a tattoo, confirming that this is the expedition from the beginning. Jack tries to save him, but to no avail. They get to dry land and decide the best way out is up a sheer cliff. The team's not trusting Jack since he's acting a bit too dodgy. Charlie takes it upon herself to climb since she is, after all, the best climber of the bunch.

Aw, crap.

At the top, she encounters one of the creatures and it attacks, but she manages to tumble out and down before saving herself. In one of the more badass scenes of the movie - and not because of my obvious Piper Perabo bias - Charlie makes like Batgirl and holds her own against the flying monstrosity. She even manages to set it on fire, but only at the cost of her own life. What? I was outraged - how dare they do...then I realized it was a movie, and paused it so I could get a Pepsi.

Charlie's death pisses off the team, and the trust in Jack is split. Jack, Tyler, and Top head off to find a sure way out. They gracefully (sarcasm intended) make their way down an ice vein which leads to a room full of methane fire fountains and sharp rocks. It looks like Hell, so I think this was supposed to be symbolism, but I can't be sure. An attempt at symbolism, maybe. The rest of the team joins them, sort of. Briggs is captured and impaled on some rocks while Kathryn and Alex make it to the methane fart cave. During the final battle, Alex is caught and eaten but we know he'll be back on February 2 with the season premiere of "Lost" on ABC. Check your local listings.

In order to help the others get out, Jack climbs a rock column to retrieve a rebreather the creatures stole. He's pretty far gone at this point, but manages to hold off the creatures while the others escape. Tyler, Top, and Kathryn are the only ones to make it back out into the fresh air.

Cut forward a few days, I guess, it's not really clear. Kathryn warns Tyler that the parasite may not just adapt to underground life, but life anywhere. She smooches Tyler, then reveals that her eyes have that same star pattern Jack's had. When realization hits Tyler, he pursues her, but Kathryn disappears into the crowd. The film ended, and I felt nothing.

That was the problem: I felt nothing. With the recent slew of beautifully intense films, this film was just the opposite. Never once did I feel that sense of claustrophobic dread of being trapped underground. The caves were too spacious and too...sing it with me...WELL LIT. There is no sunlight down there, and how are their flashlights and flares so able to create such a romantic ambiance? It should look like the geological version of [REC] down there. The tunnel scene in Frontier(s) was infinitely more intense and frightening than anything in The Cave. The dialogue and script was so minimal and straightforward, it allowed for little emotion and too much deadpanning of language. People should be freaking out, but there was an abundance of macho posturing. It wasn't intense, it wasn't scary, and I wasn't convinced I should care.

That said, I didn't hate this movie. Really, I didn't. It was just very easy to pull a Mystery Science Theater 3000 with this one, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Maybe next time I expect one to be not quite as good as others, I'll live-Tweet it. Could be fun if people want to read that.

Thanks for reading, and to those voting my blog up and following this blog on Google, I'm glad you're along for the ride and a big thanks for the support. You make it fun.

OK, back to the shelter - remember, that hungry, gnawing thing outside your door isn't who you think it is anymore.