[REC]3: Genesis: Wedding Planning Ain't Easy

I'll go on record right now and say that the Spanish horror franchise of [REC] films is one of the best series of horror films, in my humble, little opinion.  I'm sure there are differing opinions, but this is mine.  I love [REC] and [REC2] like I love cake. They're both heaping helpings of visceral tension with a claustrophobic, scared-of-the-dark atmosphere as the icing on top.  While the franchise is essentially going to be a trilogy, it has a sort of "middle episode" that strays from the usual formula of darkened hallways, scarce lighting, and outright terror.  [REC3]:  Genesis is definitely a departure from the other two films, especially in tone.  While it is a little jarring, that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Paco Plaza, who co-directed the first two films with Jaume Balagueró, takes the solo helm for this film which, unlike the first two, takes place over a longer period of time.  We begin in the afternoon and end the following morning, whereas the others were in real time.  There are two huge differences that will either be applauded or derided:  one, the use of the first-person camera is not all the way through the entire film, and two, the tone strays from the franchise in that it employs much more humor.  Don't get me wrong:  it's still full of gore, frights, and outright creepiness.  But it's also funny in many parts.

The movie begins with a wedding, and we're introduced to many of the characters, mostly family and close friends of the bride, Clara (Leticia Dolera) and Koldo (Diego Martín).  They're a beautiful couple (who look a little like a young Shelley Duvall and Jason Segal), getting married in a beautiful church in a beautiful part of Spain.  You just know this idyllic event is going to be ruined by bitey demon-things at some point, and you would not be wrong.  In fact, there's a clue early on that tells you who is going to be the first to be all bitey.  It's just a sweet wedding and reception (and I love the touch of a DVD menu of the wedding starting the film - trust me, you have to see it, it's quite funny). But when a dear uncle exhibits strange behavior - which gets really strange - all hell breaks loose.  The infection that spreads in the [REC] films is fast-acting and truly evil, in every sense of the word.   The survivors have to scramble and in the chaos, Clara and Koldo are separated.  The driving force of the film kicks in here:  Clara and Koldo's love and desire to be together versus the evil demonic infection.  What happens after that is all-out grindhouse-y fun with some really clever moments (that I can't really spoil), even if it does stray from the already-successful formula.

It's a change of pace from the first two films, to which, as a sequel, this film will always be compared.  There's a wackiness that threads its way through the horror, involving things like ancient armor, a Spongebob knock-off, and a badass, chainsaw-toting bride.  Seriously, when Clara has had enough and grabs that chainsaw, you know it's on like Donkey Kong, baby.  [REC]3:  Genesis is like a quick breather in between more intense episodes, and the franchise is set to finish off soon with [REC] 4: Apocalypse which tells you right there where the infection is heading.

A fun, strange, and still-terrifying film from a country that produces some great horror films, [REC]3:  Genesis isn't the same animal as its predecessors, but it's still good and still has that sense of hopeless doom...with one small glimmer of hope, but I'll let you figure that one out for yourselves.

Until next time, chopper passengers, here's the trailer:

Zombieland (2009) Lively, Drooling, Angry-Eyed Fun

Why have I taken this long to review one of my favorite horror-comedies?  Why ask why?

2009's stellar Zombieland, written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and directed by Ruben Fleischer, is a slam-bang, energetic romp (always wanted to use that word in a review) through a world devastated by zombies of the "caught a nasty virus and really got messed up with a taste for human flesh" variety.  There's been a long-standing debate as to whether or not this is truly a horror film.  Many maintain it's a comedy instead of horror.  I tend to believe that it is indeed a comedy with horror elements; therefore, I'm comfortable with the genre label of "horror-comedy."

The world has ended and all neurotic Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) wants to do is head home to his family.  A nervous but careful young man, Columbus (not his real name, but where he's from) has survived the zombie apocalypse through his meticulous rules, which include shooting a zombie twice to ensure it's dead (Rule #2), not being a hero (Rule #17), and the all-important keeping up of the cardio (Rule #1). 

Yeah, Rule #3 is pretty important, I'd say.

On his way out of town, he meets tough-guy Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), an expert in zombie-killing who is searching for the last stash of Twinkies, as they represent a simpler, happier time in his life.  The two complete opposites soon run afoul of two grifting sisters, Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), who steal their guns and their ride.  Soon the tables are turned, and despite their differences, the four team up at least to get where they're going:  Pacific Playland, which is supposed to be devoid of zombies.

They stop for an overnight in Los Angeles and stay at Bill Murray's mansion, which leads to some hilarity, in-jokes, and one big misunderstanding.  Tallahassee lets his guard down and we discover just why he hates zombies so much, a truly heartbreaking reveal.  Columbus and Wichita grow a little closer, leading the nervous young man to think he's finally found the family he always wanted with these strangers.  But Wichita and Little Rock bug out, trying to convince themselves they don't need anyone else, and head for Pacific Playland.  Columbus refuses to let them go and gets Tallahassee to join him in tracking the girls down.

At the amusement park, the sisters' night of fun is rudely interrupted by hordes of zombies attracted by the bright lights and now, fresh meat.  They find refuge on the drop tower ride but their time is running short.  Columbus and Tallahassee ride to the rescue, with Columbus overcoming his paralyzing fear of clowns - yes, that means clown zombie - and Tallahassee making a last stand inside a concession booth.  Somehow, through sheer bravery and quite a bit of luck, the four manage to survive.  And yes, Columbus finds the family he so longed for.

Zombieland is just pure fun from beginning to end.  It pops on the screen with four likable characters fueled by excellent performances by Eisenberg, Harrelson, Stone, and Breslin.  So many memorable lines, so many memorable scenes, as well as the funniest cameo put on film in ages.  It's not a long movie, clocking in at around 88 minutes, but it moves along very quickly, never pausing too long on overly serious scenes yet still bringing about depth in each character.  If you're squeamish, the opening scene will be enough to let you know you may be averting your eyes a few times during the movie, but really, it's entirely worth watching.  If the planned sequel is anywhere near as much fun, I'll be happy.

So Zombieland is definitely a comedy with roots in horror, and it not only walks the fine line between the two genres, it puts on a lampshade and boogies down on each side of the line.  So much fun, and definitely belongs in my high pantheon of horror-comedies along with Shaun of the Dead, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, and Evil Dead II:  Dead by Dawn.

Now "nut up or shut up" and see it!

The Horde (2009) If They Don't Kill Each Other First

You remember those trailers from movies that featured two unlikely allies who must accomplish some goal "if they don't kill each other first"?  My friends and I used to riff on it quite often - "Hey, they're heading down to the bar...if they don't kill each other first."  Pure hilarity, I'm tellin' you.

Well, that whole notion is the basis of the French zombie action film, 2009's The Horde.  Directed by Yannick Dahan and Benjamin Rocher in their feature film debut, the basic plot is pretty straightforward.  In France, a group of cops who refer to themselves as a family unit, decide to take revenge on a Nigerian drug lord who has killed one colleague, and kidnapped another.  They're on an unsanctioned mission of vengeance, quietly storming the high-rise tenement building where the drug lord is based.  The raid doesn't go well, and the police are quickly held at the mercy of the bad guys.  Within minutes, the building is under siege by the titular horde of undead.  It's happening inside, too, as the kidnapped cop revives and attacks after being shot multiple times.  The zombies themselves have the origin characteristics of early Romero undead (don't have to be bitten, just be dead to revive) and the physical attributes of the mad runners of 28 Days Later (they're hungry and fast).  What brought on this undead virus is never revealed.  The important thing is you have two groups of people who couldn't be more different throwing those differences out the window to feed their instinct for survival.  Their goal is to get out of the building and escape the horde, but you know as well as I do, that ain't happening as easy as they think.  The rest of the film is their attempt at escape, with the building, the zombies, and each other as enemies.

While as a whole, the movie rates as "pretty good" in my opinion, it's the parts that make up the sum that stand out to me.  The action drives the relationships, and so the focus is there, unlike most zombie films where characterization is ranked higher.  I would daresay that this is more of an action movie than a horror movie, the way I see it.  There are stretches where scenes drag on a little too long, but the action is fast and furious.  And no, Vin Diesel is not in it.  Getting back to the "parts that make up the sum" thing I mentioned, I wanted to note that there were are scenes and moments that really made those parts enjoyable.

There were a lot of hand-to-hand combat scenes between uninfected and infected.  No martial arts goodness, but some brutal "fighting for my life" kind of fisticuffs.  One hood, Greco (Jo Prestia), finds and completely destroys two zombies using his fists and a small knife.  Completely badass, but only an appetizer for a scene towards the end of the film when heroic cop Ouessem (Jean-Pierre Martins) faces off with a giant-size horde using at first two pistols, then a machete, then his fists in an increasingly-futile battle.  It's riveting and sad and insane at the same time, and really a highlight of the film.

While Ouessem is a great character, for me, the most intriguing character was Adewale, the drug lord.  Eriq Ebouany portrays him with a full spectrum of emotion, from cold killer to protective brother to respectful ally.  He's smart and tough and will do anything to survive, even help his enemies.  His strength is seen on display when his hotheaded brother Bola (Doudou Masta), Greco, and a crazy old soldier they meet named Rene (Yves Pignot) - all hopped up on cocaine - contemplate sexually assaulting a wounded zombie.  While the zombie writhes on the floor and the drugged-up guys stand over her, Adewale's expression is one of horror and anger.  He shoots the zombie in the head, then angrily reminds Bola of their past in Nigeria and hints at something similar that may have happened in their younger lives.

All parts considered, I liked the movie.  The action sequences were very kinetic, the acting was quite good, and I'm going to give points to zombie movies that show a glimpse of the infection's scale in the world.  In this case, it was a dark, panoramic shot of the city burning and it's the punch in the gut to the characters that lets them know, things just got serious.

Until later, my dear readers, remember:  in a zombie apocalypse, we're all in it together.  Except for Fred Phelps and his Westboro nutjobs. I don't want them anywhere near my shelter.

Here, enjoy the trailer:

End Of The Line (2007) Maybe They Should Put Up Billboards

Look at me, being all timely.  Well, sort of.  I mean, that piece of work, the bubbly Harold Camping did recently give another one of his spot-on predictions for the end of the world (two weeks ago as of this writing), and he's got another apocalyptic prediction scheduled for October.  Among the first things I thought of, other than the usual disdain that I feel towards money-grubbing, victim-creating crackpots, was the low-budget horror film End Of The Line, an interesting little apocalyptic flick that I saw a couple years ago.  The hamster wheel began turning in my head, and I thought it would be fun to look at it again in the light of all the Family Radio hullabaloo.

Hullabaloo.  Man, how old am I?

Anyway, End Of The Line was a small 2007 film written and directed by Maurice Devereaux, and it was a darling at several film festivals, including the Toronto Film Festival.  Touching on the subject of religious zeal, mob mentality, and fear of the dark and closed-in spaces, the film has its fans (and detractors) in the horror community.  Regardless, it offers a unique take on survival horror.

Karen (Ilona Elkin) heads home from her job at a psychiatric hospital, taking the local subway.  After meeting Mike (Nicholas Wright), who saves her from a seriously creepy guy named Patrick (Robin Wilcock), she boards a train for the ride home.  The train suddenly stops and several passengers, seemingly religious types from the Voice of Hope Church who wear similar clothes and acting generally nice, all get messages on their beepers.  They produce various sharp objects and begin stabbing other passengers, saying things like "God loves you" and "This is for your own good."  The train turns into an abattoir, with only a few - Karen and Mike included - making it off the train in mostly one piece.  But help isn't coming.  The land and cell phone lines are down, and the TV is showing nothing but bizarre images coming from the enigmatic preacher who heads this bizarre cult.  Apparently, they all believe that the Earth is being besieged by demons, and it is the End Times.  They show their "love" by killing others so that they're "spared" the coming apocalypse.  Karen and the survivors head into the tunnels, but getting away isn't so easy.

Man, the Backstreet Boys got DARK.

 The tunnels are crawling with Voice of Hope members, including kids, creepy guy Patrick, and even a member of the survivor's party, although she wants to rebel and go with the dude who took her virginity on the train.  One of the guys who helps them get out of a break room deep in the tunnels is even a member, despite being new and "not really a believer."  The growing paranoia adds to the tension, and Karen's occasional hallucinations don't help.  When they hole up in a control room, where they tie up Patrick, they get their first glimpse of the reverend on a TV, and the murderous chaos is widespread.  He's calling for Armageddon and a "holy rapture"...hm, sound familiar?  Hopefully, Harold Camping hasn't seen this movie.

The survivors, with the exception of the conflicted member and the boy she now loves, move on after hearing the subway workers come under attack.  The scene in which the Hope members descend upon the workers is harrowing and disturbing.  The lengths these people will go to "save" people is horrifying.  Patrick gets loose, and as the pursuing Hope members arrive, the boy and girl are killed.  In the meantime, the survivors have a bloody battle with some more Voice of Hope nutjobs and get away mostly OK, but Mike is hurt badly.  With multiple stab wounds right from the start, this movie just hates poor Mike.

 I LOVE this door!

The survivors split up, but not all of them make it.  Another page beeps for the Voice of Hope members, and they immediately cease their onslaught and take suicide pills.  Still, resident perv Patrick pursues Karen, completely off his rocker.  Karen dispatches Patrick in a most brutal way, and then the movie takes a turn for the weird...or does it?  The ambiguous ending isn't really that ambiguous if you've been paying attention. 

Look and listen during the first few minutes of the movie to pick up on the fact that the movie is not being told in a linear fashion.  While much of the ending is left open for interpretation, there are some helpful hints along the way.  The hallucinations are not coincidental or a throwaway device; they're pretty central to what's happening.  Think muffins.  Yeah, muffins possibly laced with some kind of hallucinogen run throughout the movie, and since we're seeing a lot through Karen's eyes - and she casually eats one early on - we can't always trust what she's seeing.  Are the demons real?  Did Reverend Hope have it right?  Or was he an insane but gifted strategist who plotted the horrible acts of terror?

The performances are quite good, especially from Ilona Elkin as Karen, showing strength and fragility, and Robin Wilcock as Patrick, smarmy and evil, wanting to rape his way to the end of the world.  There is a great deal of gore and scares, mixed with good amounts of tension.  Obviously the budget wasn't very large, but that doesn't matter.  Devereaux works well with what he has, and it's a nice little take on the "end of the world cult lays the nutbar smackdown on the world" subgenre.

It also bears watching since the whole Harold "You Gotta Believe Me This Time" Camping debacle.  A charismatic religious leader creating a following of human lemmings so desperate for spiritual absolution that they're willing to kill because someone tells them to commit murder is comparable to what happens out there in the real world.  How many people base their religion or politics on what someone on TV tells them?  Yeah, a frightening amount.  People who don't think for themselves and blindly follow someone with obvious agendas might be easy targets for jokes, but there's the potential for very dangerous behavior.  End Of The Line shows an extreme, fictional account.  Read the headlines if you want the real chills - or worse yet, the comments sections of any political article.  The looney-tunes in the movie might seem tame compared to what crosses some peoples' minds.

In the meantime, my dear zombie survivors, remember to steer clear of the subways if you see a lot of smiling people all dressed the same.

In The Mouth Of Madness (1994) Getting Lovecrafty

When John Carpenter wants to end the world, he does it in such interesting ways.

In The Thing, he hinted that a parasitic, all-consuming alien life form would spread to the rest of the world unless it was stopped at that lonely Antarctic outpost.  The son of the Anti-God would usher in its unholy father in Prince of Darkness unless several desperate people ended the threat in a run down old church.  However, with In The Mouth of Madness, it's reality itself under assault from the Old Ones made famous in the literary world by H. P. Lovecraft.  And what can one man played by Sam Neill do?

In short:  nothing.

Lovecraft was known for penning tales of unseen horrors, monsters so vile and so primed to crack reality at its seams that to glimpse them would cause instant madness.  The whole Cthulhu mythos?  That was him.  Casting shadows over Innsmouth?  Lovecraft.  The fish people who worship the mad god Dagon?  Yep.  He even had a story called "At The Mountains Of Madness," so it's a pretty fair bet that In The Mouth of Madness is a tip of the cap to his writing genius.

But Lovecraft isn't the only prolific, talented writer showcased in the film.  There are several obvious nods to my own longtime favorite, Stephen King:  the northeast region, the small town, the name of the antagonist author (Sutter Cane = Stephen King).  In truth, the entire film is about fiction, about the written word and its power over reality.  Words guiding us to believe anything, then using that power to fuel...well, in this case, the return of the Old Ones.  And that's not a good thing, dear readers.

See, Sam Neill plays John Trent, insurance investigator extraordinaire. When we first meet him, he's a little on the...nutty side.  He's locked up in an asylum when he's visited by Dr. Wrenn (David Warner), who wants the lowdown on what brought him there.  So John tells him the whole, horrifying story...which begins when he's called in by a publisher (Charlton Heston) to find their missing cash cow, the eccentric mega-superstar writer, Sutter Cane (Jurgen Prochnow), who has a final, blockbuster novel to get into the stores. The name of the book? "In The Mouth of Madness."  After reading some of Cane's horrific novels, John has bad dreams, weird feelings, and a sudden revelation:  the covers of Cane's books can be manipulated into a map of New Hampshire, revealing the location of a fictional town called Hobb's End.  Accompanied by editor Linda Styles (Julie Carmen), John sets out to find Hobb's End.  After a very trippy...er...trip, he finds it.

Hobb's End is like a ghost town with some eerie little residents, like the strange old lady up at the hotel bearing the name of a real Lovecraft character (Pickman from "Pickman's Model").  Discovering a menacing-looking church on the outskirts of town, John and Linda investigate and find Sutter Cane, that's for sure.

From there, things get really freaky in the little hamlet of Hobb's End.  Linda goes after Cane, but she's helpless against the new, vast power that the Old Ones have granted the author.  Then it's down to John, and his role in what is essentially the end of all that is.  John slowly discovers the truth about Hobb's End, its residents, and Sutter Cane, and give the man credit, he stands up to it the best he can.  But despite his obvious strength, Cane is far, far too powerful.  John is meant to deliver the end of the world, typed just as Cane envisioned it, and there's nothing he can do.

The ending doesn't present any in-your-face world destruction scenes.  In that Carpenter never shows you out-and-out chaos, he's making it even more frightening.  John Trent may be the last sane person on Earth, and we're hanging on to that final unraveling thread with him.  We know something's going on in the world, but just like Lovecraft did in his stories, we don't see it.  The knowing is terrifying enough.

In The Mouth of Madness isn't linear in its storytelling.  Much of the story is a flashback controlled by John's memories.  But there's a bit of meta-storytelling going on here as well.  Sutter Cane goes on and on about controlling reality, and he may be controlling what we see in the movie as well.  During a fun little scene on a bus late in the movie, he proclaims that he "is God now" and asks John, "Did I ever tell you my favorite color is blue?"  When John snaps awake, everything is indeed blue.  But throughout the movie, the color blue shows up, especially in peoples' eyes.  Has Cane not only been controlling what John sees, but what we see as well?  Possibly.  Something to think about.  I love when movies play outside the sandbox, and Carpenter has never been afraid to do that.

What a fun movie In The Mouth of Madness turns out to be.  It's the third in Carpenter's loose Apocalypse Trilogy and it can be argued that it's the most dire of circumstances - certainly it's the most bleak in terms of ultimate endings.  The little nods to Lovecraft and King are a kick to uncover.  Sam Neill does a fantastic job as a true "omega man," part detective, part skeptic, all victim.  Definitely a great closing to the Apocalypse Trilogy, and a great way to spend a movie-watching evening.

In fact, get a hold of all three movies and watch them back-to-back.  It'll put a little sunshine in your day.

Now here, enjoy the trailer:

The Walking Dead Premiere - Some Things Are Worth The Wait

"Anticipation...it's makin' me wait!" - Old Heinz ketchup commercial

I've been disappointed by hype before, or at best, just a little let down. Way in the back of my mind, I feared the same would happen with AMC's new original series, The Walking Dead. It finally - after months of waiting - premiered appropriately on October 31 to the well-oiled hype machine that is AMC. That station, I tell you, is riding a serious wave of successful original series like Mad Men and Breaking Bad. They, like HBO, seem to set the bar very high in terms of quality, so I knew the series was in good hands. But that nagging fear remained in the back of my head: "What if it's just so-so...or worse, what if it sucks?"

I'm happy to say that not only did the premiere live up to my expectations, it exceeded them.

Now, I may or may not review each episode. I haven't decided yet. More likely, I'll bookend the season with reviews starting with this one. Needless to say, if was borrowing a page from Roger Ebert's book, I'd be giving this a huge thumbs-up.

I love infection horror, and that's evident in my blog. Hell, I prefaced watching this premiere with my annual Halloween viewing of 1978's Dawn of the Dead. More than that, I'm a huge fan of the comic book from Image Comics, created and written by Robert Kirkman, who also co-produced the series (Kirkman also writes a superhero series called Invincible that I hope makes it to the screen as well). Knowing he had a huge say in what went down, and knowing director/screenwriter extraordinaire Frank Darabont was in charge, put me more and more at ease.

Many of you have already seen it, and I'm not going to spoil things for the rest of you. Basically, the plot follows the book for the most part: Deputy Rick Grimes wakes up after a gunshot puts him in a coma to find that the world has really changed. There aren't any living people that he sees right away, but there are plenty of dead bodies...and some of them move. Rick leaves the hospital and returns home to find his wife and son gone. He meets Morgan and Duane, a father and son living in a house once occupied by Rick's neighbors, and they get him up to speed about the disease that has reanimated the dead. In a brilliant but tragic addition to the mythos, Morgan and Duane agonize over the sight of Morgan's wife, Duane's mother, returning day after day as a zombie. Rick intends to move on to Atlanta to find his family, hoping Morgan and Duane will join him later. He finds a horse and rides into the city, but finds nothing but hungry ex-people. Trapped in a tank, Rick hears someone calling him "dumbass" on the radio (if you read the book, you know who it is) as the episode comes to a close.

I skimmed over quite a bit of it, but really, if you're able to watch it, you need to see and hear the experience. The flies buzzing? Nice touch. There are scenes that are perfectly silent, and the confusion and disorientation is enough to drive you crazy because you have no music cues to warn you, or tell you how to feel. The disease spares no one. Yes, a little girl zombie falls in the first few minutes. I know the "politically correct" will be up in arms: "what kind of image is that to show our precious children?" Please. It's horror. What would you do, give it Twizzlers and positively reinforce it not to bite you? Same with the horse. That's in the comic as well. It's hard to see, but it portrays how a zombified world would be. The living dead don't care about cuteness. They're just hungry forces of nature. Another gory, but great, touch was the completely masticated woman lying in the hospital hallway. Darabont told so much story in Rick's post-awakening scene with hardly a word. The half-woman bicycle zombie is straight from the book, but Darabont adds so much pathos and emotion to each scene, it's like an enhanced version of an already-great work. I really hope the rest of the season holds up to this fantastic premiere.

I can't enough good things about it. I've seen overwhelmingly positive reviews, and mine stands as my own. I'm sure there are some who didn't like it, but that's life. Or undead life. So many puns, so little time.

Until later, my friends, try to be awake when the zombie apocalypse comes. And be sure to catch The Walking Dead on AMC, Sundays at 10 p.m.

Legion (2010) Yeah, But Is It Horror?

Everyone knows I dig the apocalyptic horror movie, especially by taking something that most likely wouldn't happen and throwing it out there in a way that makes it look like it could happen. It speaks to a part of me that is both fascinated and terrified by the end of the world, whether it be by natural causes or by the living dead or by a mad demigod or by sickness (The Stand). It hits home, but is just on the outskirts of reason enough to be intriguing.

I tossed around the idea that while apocalyptic fiction can be horrifying, it doesn't always classify as horror. In fact, a great deal of it falls under science fiction. When I finished watching Legion, I had my doubts that it could be called horror or science fiction. Speculative fiction, yes, but that's a very broad term. In the end (no pun intended), I decided to jot down my thoughts on it for two reasons. One, the very name of this blog is derived from a classic apocalyptic movie (Dawn of the Dead), and two, it's my blog and I can write about the sandwich I ate earlier today if I felt like it.

Legion had a very promising premise: God has become disappointed with His children and decides to send another world-cleansing event to reboot Earth, much like the flood that Noah and his crew rode out. Only this time, he sends his vast army of powerful angels to lay waste to the human race through outright destruction and possession of bodies. That right there is scary. Not to mention the heavy religious undertones, which speak to the very core of nearly every person - you throw religion in the mix and you're treading on literally sacred ground and the very thought of blending it with thrills and chills is enough to excite, scare, and, in some cases, anger. Legion doesn't go all that deep, but just enough to give you a decent look into what the spiritual beings are thinking.

Basically, Michael (Paul Bettany) - a general-angel in Heaven's army - descends to Earth, cuts off his own wings, and gathers a butt-load of weapons. Not long after he arrives, he is forced to battle a possessed policeman, signaling that the end is indeed nigh. As he drives out of Los Angeles (the City of Angels, get it?), the lights go out block by block.

At the desolate Paradise Falls Diner, we meet a cast of various characters. There's good kid Jeep (Lucas Black), who has horrible nightmares about a coming disaster that involves the love of his life, Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), the pregnant (not by Jeep) waitress at the diner. Jeep's disillusioned dad Bob (Dennis Quaid) owns the diner and has as his cook, Percy Walker (Charles S. Dutton), a very devout Christian. Also present are the well-to-do but dysfunctional Anderson family: tired Howard (Jon Tenney), stressed Sandra (Kate Walsh), and tarty Audrey (Willa Holland), who are waiting for Jeep to fix their car. Joining them on his way to see his child is Kyle Williams (Tyrese Gibson), who may or may not be a shady character. With all the pieces in place, things begin to get a little weird. The diner's lone TV loses its weak signal for a while before blasting color bars and emergency tones. The phones go down. They're in the middle of the desert, so cell phones aren't exactly working.

Into all this confusion and doubt walks sweet Gladys Foster (Jeanette Miller):

She orders a steak extra bloody, makes friendly small talk with everyone, attracts flies, and ultimately tells Charlie that her "baby's gonna burn." Taking her for a religious fanatic, Charlie ignores her, but Gladys goes right on gleefully predicting everyone's grisly fate. When Howard objects, she gnaws a chunk out of his neck before climbing to the ceiling. She manhandles everyone who tries to restrain her before mocking Jeep and advancing on him before Kyle guns her down.

In trying to get Howard to the nearest town, the party is attacked by an enormous swarm of flies, forcing them to turn around and take refuge in the diner. About this time, Michael arrives and arms everyone, saying that "more like her" are on their way. They barricade the diner and prepare for an onslaught. Night falls and in the distance, gentle ice cream truck bells are heard, and a creepy, spider-like ice cream man with an monstrous unhinged jaw emerges...featured heavily in the trailer, if you recall.

This spidery fella attacks, and is soon joined by scores of possessed people. In the chaos, Howard is extracted from the diner, his screams echoing into the night. The seemingly last people on Earth count their blessings and their losses: Howard's gone and Sandra's mind is going fast.

In the downtime, Michael reveals why the world is ending. He also informs Charlie that her child is mankind's final hope. Mincing no words, Michael says that he is the one who was supposed to kill the child, but refused, trying to convince God that humanity was still good and that He still loved them. He tells Jeep that it's because of his unwavering faith in others, such as his father and Charlie, that inspired Michael to make a stand. The first wave of attackers, he says, was to "test our strength." The next will be to "test our weakness."

The next morning, Sandra awakes to the sound of agonized crying. Outside the diner is Howard, pinned horribly to an upside-down makeshift crucifix, boils covering his body. As she runs to him, he explodes with acid, but she is saved by Percy, who takes the brunt of it. Howard's obviously dead now, and Percy dies after making sure Sandra is back inside. Sandra's mind goes bye-bye right about then. That night, it appears that an innocent family is trying to fill their gas tank. When they're killed by the possessed, Kyle goes nuts when he sees a child falling victim to them. It's a trick, and Kyle is killed by the child and other possessed despite Audrey trying to play hero.

Charlie goes into labor and delivers this child she really doesn't want. At the instant of birth, celestial trumpets sound. Michael's friend and fellow general Gabriel (Kevin Durand) has arrived to do the job Michael refused. Sandra suddenly turns heel and tries to take the baby to Gabriel, only to be gunned down by Michael. Humans can't do much against Gabriel when he makes his entrance, and Bob is gravely wounded. Michael insists that the others take the baby and leave while he battles his friend. They do, untouched by the possessed, who now seem afraid and reverent of the baby.

The angel fight is pretty wicked. Michael's at a serious disadvantage since cutting off his wings and becoming more human, and it ends up being his downfall as Gabriel kills Michael. In a nice touch, Gabriel weeps for Michael - they are angels of God, after all, not evil beings - before preparing to carry out his orders. Bob has a last laugh by igniting the gas feed to his stove, leveling the diner and those outside.

Michael's tattoos show up on Jeep, signaling the once-angel's death. Gabriel attacks the getaway car, momentarily derailed by Audrey's painful sacrifice. In attempting to escape, Jeep tries to defend Charlie and the baby, but Gabriel nearly kills him before Michael suddenly returns, angelic powers restored. According to him, he "gave God what He needed, not what He wanted," which bodes well for humanity. Michael easily trounces Gabriel, but spares his life. The heroic rebel angel then appoints Jeep the baby's true protector and tells him to seek out prophets and learn to read the tattoos that have appeared on his body. Sequel, anyone?

I was a bit disappointed that we weren't treated to more scenes of worldwide destruction, but at the same time, letting your mind fill in the blanks is somewhat satisfying. The cast was quite good and the movie held my interest, even if it was just to see how the story played out.

Legion wasn't "fright-scary" or "jump-outta-your-seat-scary." The idea of God wiping out humanity like he did in Noah's time is pretty frightening. The helplessness of the human race before the sliver of hope that might remain. And there's your reason for good apocalyptic fiction: that somehow, some way, someone's going to find a way to survive and battle back, maybe even win.

There you have it. Legion is a good movie to pop in, watch maybe once, and settle back to think about the effects of apocalyptic fiction. Or it's good as background noise, which for me, is a sign that I at least liked it a little. I did like Legion, but I'm afraid it won't be joining my collection.

Until next time, my fellow survivors, be wary of overly sweet old ladies ordering steak cooked rare in desert diners.

P.S. The sandwich I had today was peanut butter and jelly, and it was tasty.